Wednesday, April 2, 2008

This picture was taken by Rex on our last family trip that we took in March 2007 to Cocoa Beach, FL.




Each month, I mentally mark off those special days that I go through for the first time without Rex. It's almost like a countdown in my mind. So far, in 8 months, we have been through all of our birthdays except Rachael's. We have been through Thanksgiving, Christmas, Valentine's Day, Easter, and our wedding anniversary (the ones that matter to me). The notches for March were Easter and our wedding anniversary. As I go through each of these significant days, I think to myself, "Well, I got through that one." And, then I count what I have left to go through for the year.

I guess because I do this, when I actually get to these special days and holidays, they really aren't that bad. I approach them with great awareness. Then, later, when I let my guard down after I get through them, sometimes a week later, I am engulfed with sadness and the tears flow.

I haven't been able to pinpoint what triggers a good day from a bad one. The bad days come like a thief in the night. They are really hard. They are marked with incredible sadness, lots of tears, and a "I can't believe he's gone" stunned feeling. When I think back over the last two years, I absolutely can't believe that I have been through all of this. I can't believe that we have been through all of this. It still astounds me.

Sure, I am stronger; I have definitely been handed some credentials to help others. I have certainly gotten a better handle on grace and compassion. I have gained an understanding of what it means to be in the pit of suffering, emotional suffering. I know what it is to grieve and mourn.

In my last update I talked about being able to experience joy and sadness at the same time. However, I don't think that it is possible to be suffering and be happy at the same time. I have joy; it is the knowledge that a better day is coming; it is the understanding that through the ups and downs of life, I have hope; I have eternal life with God. Happiness is not the same as joy. Happiness is what you have in the good times of life. It permeates your entire being and makes everything good. It has been a long time since I felt genuinely happy. I have happy moments, but they last only as long as the moment. It doesn't penetrate and doesn't make everything good. When you are happy, you overlook shortcomings and failures -- all is good. Happiness is a very gratifying feeling.

God did not promise us a happy life. Life is full of ups and downs. It would be very foolish to believe that I could always be happy. That is not realistic at all. I had a dream a few weeks ago, and in that dream, I was very happy. It was such a euphoric feeling. It was great. I woke up and still felt the effects of it; I had forgotten what it felt like. As I pondered my dream and my delight in it, I realized that it has been a long time since I felt that gratifying, satisfying, healthy cheerfulness. It has been a long time since I have felt light-hearted. I long for that feeling again. I think about that dream often and really crave a season of genuine-to-the-core happiness. At the core, I am not content with my life. I don't quite know how to turn my grief into true contentment.

One thing that I think has helped me often in my suffering is to be able to constantly look around and see someone else who is suffering, someone who is going through something harder or more difficult. There are many, many situations that are far worse than what we are experiencing. As I approached this Easter, I specifically thought about Jesus' suffering.

When Jesus lived on this earth, He was a perfect, sinless man who suffered probably all of His life on this earth. I think about how life was as a little boy knowing absolute truth, being absolutely perfect and surrounded with imperfect parents, imperfect siblings, imperfect peers. The resentment and ridicule that was extended toward him had to be endless. It surely followed Him everywhere He went. He was probably constantly revered in a love/hate way, loved because he had all the qualities that we like in others and hated because He was a reminder of our failures. You look at any family that has a favored child and you can sense the unfairness that exists and/or the resentment and bitterness by the others. If one of my children were perfect, sinless, I have to say that it would be really difficult not to favor that child, the child who is ALWAYS obedient and respectful. As a sibling, I know there would be strife in my heart if I grew up in Jesus' shadow never measuring up, and I probably wouldn't have been very nice to Him at times.

Then, as Jesus became a young adult, he was ridiculed and plotted against simply for giving people hope and life. He was tempted with food when he was very hungry; Jesus hadn't eaten in 40 days. He was tempted with peace when Satan offered to give up enmity with Jesus; He was tempted with reclaiming His throne when God Almighty lowered himself to live as a man.

Jesus was beaten beyond recognition and mocked for doing absolutely nothing wrong. Jesus endured all of this because He was the perfect sacrifice to pay for our sins. He was beaten and crucified because of MY sin. He suffered for me, for you.

Jesus suffered emotional pain; Jesus suffered physical pain; Jesus suffered mental pain. I know that there are people around me who are suffering more than I am, but no one is suffering or has ever suffered more than Jesus did on this earth. When you wrap your mind around that reality, then you can begin to understand that God loves in the midst of great personal suffering. God became suffering to save us from a hopeless eternity. God became suffering so that we can have life and have it generously. God suffered to give us an example.

Going back to the temptations that you find in Matthew 4, Mark 1 and Luke 4, I have to say that I have never put myself in Jesus' shoes regarding His temptations before this year. I dismissed it in the past on the grounds that Jesus was God, so He couldn't sin so how hard were the temptations really. It is difficult to understand how Jesus was 100% man and 100% God. This year, I think my eyes were opened. I have much more respect for this passage of Scripture; it has personal meaning to me now.

If you have a hard time with the 100% God and 100% man doctrine, let's look at the temptation of Christ from the 100% God standpoint. So, Jesus couldn't sin because He was God. Think about the temptations, these clearly show that He is not like us.

Can you refrain from eating food for an entire day? A few days? How about 40 days?

Satan offered peace to Jesus if Jesus would bow down and worship him. You and I know that the peace would have been short-lived. Satan would have wreaked havoc anyway. When you have those times that instant peace is offered, do you take it when you know that chaos is sure to follow. A practical example of this is seen many times in our parenting. You have a child who is whining and wanting something and making a big scene in the store. You have a choice. You can either give the child what they want and have instant peace only to realize that you have opened the door for this behavior to continue the next time the child wants something. Or, you can deal with the unruliness, discipline the child, assert your authority and teach the child that this is not acceptable behavior. Then, peace is realized later because the unruly behavior is corrected, not perpetuated.

Satan tempted Jesus to reclaim his throne. Jesus didn't deserve to live as a lowly man. He is the Son of God! How many times have you been treated unfairly at work or in the family or with friends? You haven't gotten the treatment you have earned, the treatment you deserve. Do you attempt to claim your glory? Or, do you hand that right over to God and give God the glory for the abilities that He has given you?

The point is that this clearly shows that God is mighty and powerful and nothing like us. He is 100% God. It distinctly shows our failures as mere humans.

Likewise, God is 100% man. What a man to look up to. He was faced with great temptation, and He overcame it; He had victory. There have been many times when I have given in to temptation. I have struggled with giving up just sugar, let alone food altogether and certainly never for 40 days. While I usually don't choose instant peace, there have been times that I have given in for that moment of peace. I have also gotten mad before when I didn't think I got the recognition that I deserved. How 'bout you?

No matter what you are going through, Jesus suffered more than we ever have or ever will. If you are suffering, try to understand the suffering Jesus endured for you. It was real. It was intense.

Knowing all of this makes Jesus more precious to me. He suffered for me. He died for me. He did it so that He could give me a future in a glorious Heaven, a Heaven that has no suffering, none, zilch, nada!

If you are in that happy season of life. Enjoy it. Know that you are being blessed. You are probably going through a mountain top time in your life. Take a deep breath and savor the moment.

Everything has its time.

Ecclesiastes 3:1-8
1 To everything there is a season,
A time for every purpose under heaven:
2 A time to be born,
And a time to die;
A time to plant,
And a time to pluck what is planted;
3 A time to kill,
And a time to heal;
A time to break down,
And a time to build up;
4 A time to weep,
And a time to laugh;
A time to mourn,
And a time to dance;
5 A time to cast away stones,
And a time to gather stones;
A time to embrace,
And a time to refrain from embracing;
6 A time to gain,
And a time to lose;
A time to keep,
And a time to throw away;
7 A time to tear,
And a time to sew;
A time to keep silence,
And a time to speak;
8 A time to love,
And a time to hate;
A time of war,
And a time of peace.

God is still on the throne no matter what season you are in.

Donna Meadows

Friday, March 14, 2008

We passed the six month mark on Sunday, February 10th. I wasn't sure how that day would affect me. I am glad to say that it was the most "normal" that I have felt on a Sunday since Rex passed. I had such a good day, in fact, that I thought I was having a turning point in my mourning. The next few days were even good days, but I was ambushed again. I can't predict when I will have those sudden moments of intense sorrow. I can't really prepare for them. They come when I least expect them. It's not the birthdays or special days that hit the hardest for me. It's the days I least expect it, the regular days.

We have mostly adjusted in our daily life, our routines. While I/we needed the adjustment to help us cope, it saddens me because it simply means that we are going on without Rex. We are making new memories that don't include him; we are experiencing milestones that he is not a part of with us. There is an undertone of misery with each memory and milestone because we are very aware that Rex/daddy is not here to share it with us. As I see the girls adjusting, I want to keep Rex' memory alive for them. I periodically ask them to tell me some memory they have with their daddy. Already, I see Lindsey forgetting so much. Her memory she mentions every time is the very last time he played with her. I will mention something for her, and she doesn't remember it. It is heart wrenching for me, especially as I see her really try hard to remember. Here is this little girl that is going to have a hard time remembering specific memories of her daddy. She was three when he was diagnosed with cancer; all she really remembers is his life as an ill man. I agonize over the loss that Rachael will always feel in that vacant part of her heart that can only be filled by a relationship with her father. It is my prayer that her Heavenly Father will fill that vacant part. I am apprehensive as Erin and Amber head into tweenage and teenage years without the daily role model of what a gentleman and godly man looks like, acts like, talks like.

With each of my girls, I have played lullaby CD's at night to help them wind down for the night while they were babies. Lindsey and Rachael share a room. So, Lindsey is getting to listen to them, too. This past Sunday (Mar 9th), I decided to change the CD and put a different one in. I didn't think much of it, it was one of my dense moments. About 10 minutes later, I heard Lindsey sobbing hard and loud. I checked on her, and she was really upset. The CD that I had put in had the song Butterfly Kisses on it. She was still awake, listening to the CD when she heard that song come on. As she listened to the words, she realized that it was a song from a daddy to his daughter. I remember when this song first came out; I remember getting teary eyed to it many times as it touched my heart. I know it was hard for Lindsey to hear it and grasp the reality that she would not have this in her life. This was the most emotion I have seen from her since Rex' death. I wish I would have responded better; I was simply speechless. I don't think I uttered a word. Erin had also heard her crying and had gotten to her before me; she held Lindsey as she cried. I watched in a catatonic state, unable to help or soothe. I am glad that Erin was there because she was able to fill the shoes that I couldn't at that moment. I am not berating myself for playing the CD, but I wish I would have thought about it and been more discerning.

As we feel our way around to a new "normal," there are things that I am noticing and experiencing firsthand. I have joy and pain simultaneously. I can feel both at the same time. My joy comes from my relationship with my Lord; my pain comes from the loss of my relationship with Rex. The second thing I acknowledge is the feeling that I am half alive. Rex was my other half, and I feel half dead. Will I ever feel fully alive again? Who am I now? The third thing I recognize is that I am broken, and I need God's healing. My heart has been broken; my life has been broken; my dreams have been broken; our family has been broken.

When I was first widowed, I believed the old adage that time heals all wounds. Time. Does time in itself really heal? I think that time is just a scab. The real healing begins when we ask God to heal our heart. If honesty and trust are paramount for mental health, then I must openly grieve and ask God to take my broken world and "set" it. Secondly, I must trust Him, really trust Him, to do that.

I still have no answers as to why God would take Rex, a person who had lots of promise, at such a young age. I may never know or understand. While I think about it frequently, my life can't revolve around why? It doesn't help, and I am not God. I was reminded of this when I read Genesis 5 several weeks ago. Here you have a chapter giving the lineage from Adam to Noah's family. It is one of those so and so begat so and so begat so and so chapters. I usually have a tendency to speed read these chapters as I read my Bible, but this time something caught my eye.

Genesis 5:24 And Enoch walked with God: and he was not; for God took him.

Here was a man that lived 365 years, only 43% of the average life listed in this chapter. Translated into our times, Rex lived 52% of the life expectancy of a male in the United States. Enoch died a young man and he walked with God! The other men listed in Genesis 5 didn't have anything noted about them like this. Why would God take Enoch at such a young age if he was worthy of being called a man that walked with God? I found comfort in this verse because once again, I am reminded that God is sovreign, and I cannot possibly understand all of His ways. He does not answer to me. I also noted that Enoch was the father of Methusaleh, the man often coined as the oldest man who ever lived. So, did Enoch leave a footprint? I think so. Rex has left his footprint, as well.

Are you leaving a footprint for those that follow you? What kind of footprint are you leaving? Is it a footprint of faithfulness, patience, love, grace, kindness, mercy, generosity? or Is it a footprint of strife, anger, selfishness, foolishness, greed? Think about your footprint, ask God to give you a great footprint, a worthy footprint, and wear that footprint well.

I haven't gotten a tombstone for Rex' grave yet. I believe that I am going to do something a little different. I want to take his shoes and put his shoeprints on his tombstone to remind us that he has left a footprint in this world, and God is going to use it to impact this world for Him through what he has left behind.

Have a blessed day,

Donna Meadows