Monday, May 26, 2008

I love this picture of Rex. This is a picture of him taken on his last outing with us, July 15, 2007. We got to spend an afternoon on a pontoon boat with Rex' brother and family. It was one of those days toward the end of my pregnancy when I didn't want to do anything because everything was hard. Boy, am I glad that I didn't let my weariness keep us from doing this.

It has been over nine months, and our daily life has adjusted. We still struggle with having some routines in place, particularly our bed time routine; bed time was very much Rex' forte. It is still hit and miss for me.

John 16-17 spoke to me in a fresh way recently. This is a passage of scripture where Jesus is talking about his death and resurrection. He is speaking of the grief and sorrow that will come. I know that grief and sorrow that He speaks of. He talks about the necessity of his death and the life that comes after.

John 16 7 Nevertheless I tell you the truth. It is to your advantage that I go away; for if I do not go away, the Helper will not come to you; but if I depart, I will send Him to you. 8 And when He has come, He will convict the world of sin, and of righteousness, and of judgment: 9 of sin, because they do not believe in Me; 10 of righteousness, because I go to My Father and you see Me no more; 11 of judgment, because the ruler of this world is judged. 12 I still have many things to say to you, but you cannot bear them now. 13 However, when He, the Spirit of truth, has come, He will guide you into all truth; for He will not speak on His own authority, but whatever He hears He will speak; and He will tell you things to come. 14 He will glorify Me, for He will take of what is Mine and declare it to you. 15 All things that the Father has are Mine. Therefore I said that He will take of Mine and declare it to you. 16 "A little while, and you will not see Me; and again a little while, and you will see Me, because I go to the Father." 17 Then some of His disciples said among themselves, "What is this that He says to us, 'A little while, and you will not see Me; and again a little while, and you will see Me'; and, 'because I go to the Father'?" 18 They said therefore, "What is this that He says, 'A little while'? We do not know what He is saying." 19 Now Jesus knew that they desired to ask Him, and He said to them, "Are you inquiring among yourselves about what I said, 'A little while, and you will not see Me; and again a little while, and you will see Me'? 20 Most assuredly, I say to you that you will weep and lament, but the world will rejoice; and you will be sorrowful, but your sorrow will be turned into joy. 21 A woman, when she is in labor, has sorrow because her hour has come; but as soon as she has given birth to the child, she no longer remembers the anguish, for joy that a human being has been born into the world. 22 Therefore you now have sorrow; but I will see you again and your heart will rejoice, and your joy no one will take from you.

This passage spoke to me in a duel way. I know that Jesus is talking to the disciples about his death being necessary and that they will not understand it at first, but then, their hearts will rejoice because they will have a joy that can't be taken. This passage spoke to me personally because I now know what it means for sorrow to fill my heart and what it means to "weep and lament." I don't understand my anguish and why I am going through this, but I know that God is going to use it for good.

In John 17, the time has come. Jesus has walked this earth and done what was needed, and now the time has come to finish it. Talk about a purpose of life. This was Jesus' purpose:

1 Jesus spoke these words, lifted up His eyes to heaven, and said: "Father, the hour has come. Glorify Your Son, that Your Son also may glorify You, 2 as You have given Him authority over all flesh, that He should give eternal life to as many as You have given Him. 3 And this is eternal life, that they may know You, the only true God, and Jesus Christ whom You have sent. 4 I have glorified You on the earth. I have finished the work which You have given Me to do. 5 And now, O Father, glorify Me together with Yourself, with the glory which I had with You before the world was.
6 "I have manifested Your name to the men whom You have given Me out of the world. They were Yours, You gave them to Me, and they have kept Your word. 7 Now they have known that all things which You have given Me are from You. 8 For I have given to them the words which You have given Me; and they have received them, and have known surely that I came forth from You; and they have believed that You sent Me. 9 I pray for them. I do not pray for the world but for those whom You have given Me, for they are Yours. 10 And all Mine are Yours, and Yours are Mine, and I am glorified in them. 11 Now I am no longer in the world, but these are in the world, and I come to You. Holy Father, keep through Your name those whom You have given Me, that they may be one as We are. 12 While I was with them in the world, I kept them in Your name. Those whom You gave Me I have kept; and none of them is lost except the son of perdition, that the Scripture might be fulfilled. 13 But now I come to You, and these things I speak in the world, that they may have My joy fulfilled in themselves. 14 I have given them Your word; and the world has hated them because they are not of the world, just as I am not of the world. 15 I do not pray that You should take them out of the world, but that You should keep them from the evil one. 16 They are not of the world, just as I am not of the world. 17 Sanctify them by Your truth. Your word is truth. 18 As You sent Me into the world, I also have sent them into the world. 19 And for their sakes I sanctify Myself, that they also may be sanctified by the truth. 20 "I do not pray for these alone, but also for those who will believe in Me through their word; 21 that they all may be one, as You, Father, are in Me, and I in You; that they also may be one in Us, that the world may believe that You sent Me. 22 And the glory which You gave Me I have given them, that they may be one just as We are one: 23 I in them, and You in Me; that they may be made perfect in one, and that the world may know that You have sent Me, and have loved them as You have loved Me. 24 Father, I desire that they also whom You gave Me may be with Me where I am, that they may behold My glory which You have given Me; for You loved Me before the foundation of the world. 25 O righteous Father! The world has not known You, but I have known You; and these have known that You sent Me. 26 And I have declared to them Your name, and will declare it, that the love with which You loved Me may be in them, and I in them."

This entire chapter is filled with the purpose of Jesus coming to this earth, so that we might have life, so that we can have a right relationship with God. We all have a purpose. While I lament and weep over Rex leaving me, I have come to understand that Rex fulfilled his purpose in this life. Through my nostalgic moments, when I wish that life could be as it was before, I know deep in my heart, that Rex' purpose was satisfied, and I must accept it, let go of "our" purpose and move on with "my" purpose.

I encountered many challenges this past month, mostly things that Rex would have taken care of had he been here. As I have dealt with the lawnmower not working, Rex' truck not working, a plumbing leak that flooded the basement, the gas grill not working and losing an expensive hearing aid, to name a few, I realized that I CAN'T do this. I had to accept that I am limited, and I can't do all of this. I have been approaching my life with the mindset that this is the hand that I have been dealt, so I need to deal with it and handle it. I simply can't handle it. I had to let it all go - the anxiety, the pressure, the worry, the if only Rex were here.

With this being said, there has been a turning point in my life. I have entered a stage of serenity. I have been living in turbulent waters for a while now; that turbulence transcended into my spirit as I dealt with Rex' terminal illness, the loss of him, the change in our family identity, the change in my personal identity, the loss of shared responsibility, a new baby. This turning point consisted of me coming to the end of myself. While the waters may rage around me, I can be calm. I don't have to reflect my circumstances.

In my last entry, I talked about not knowing how to turn my grief into contentment. I feel that that is starting to occur now. There is a settled, quiet spirit within me, one that is starting to accept that this is my life now. It is still wrapped in sadness, but tied with a ribbon of expectant hope, a hope of what God is going to do.

You've heard the foolish adage, It's all about me. None of this is about me. I was created to give God glory. I live to give God glory. Everything in my life is there to give God glory. My relationships, my marriage, my family doesn't and didn't exist for me to claim ownership; they exist to give God glory. Rex was not mine. Erin is not mine. Amber is not mine, Lindsey is not mine. Rachael is not mine. They are in my life for however long God appoints, so that God is glorified. It is not about me. It is not about satisfying myself. The relationships we have, the things we possess are not given to us for us to hold onto and possess. They are mere blessings sprinkled in our lives to fulfill our created purpose: to glorify God.

Whether we realize it or not, we often claim ownership and possession of our relationships, our things, and our activities. I am married to Rex, so that I am not lonely. I have children, so that I can fulfill that maternal instinct. I have friends so that I have that comraderie. I want things because it makes life easier. I participate in this activity because it's my right. We often revere all of these as trophies in our lives. They are important to us, and they are important because they fill a gap inside. It is very difficult to relinquish our insecurities and with certainty, release our trophies from satisfying our own needs and wants to giving God glory.

What trophies are you holding in your hand and claiming as yours?

Donna