Sunday, January 25, 2009

I’M ALIVE! I AM ALIVE! I AM ALIVE! I AM ALIVE! Yes, I can breathe again. I can enjoy living in this life. In recent days, my mourning has turned to rejoicing.

In the midst of my lamenting, I wanted to die. I wanted Jesus to take me and the girls, too, not just Rex. Take us; I don’t want to be here anymore. This life is full of disappointments, hurts, and pain. Who needs it? Who wants it? There’s sin lurking all around us that does nothing but put us in bondage to evil. I couldn’t see anything worth being here for. What happiness I’ve had here didn’t last. I was created to worship God, and I wanted to do it in Heaven, not here. I remember several times groaning to God to take me, and asking Him to please take all of us because I couldn't bear the thought of my children being left without a parent. It was certainly the groanings of a woman in mourning: a woman mourning her loss, a woman mourning her children’s loss, a woman mourning a death to a dream, a woman mourning a change of her plans, a woman mourning her state of confusion, a woman mourning her lack of control in life.

I purposed in my heart several things after Rex died. I purposed that I would not change any of our activities or traditions for at least a year. I purposed that I would not date or have any date type relationships for a year. I purposed that I would deliberately talk about Rex often, and I would do this without crying, for the girls’ sake. I purposed that I would not let my kids feel as if they had lost two parents – one to death and one to incapacitation from depression/sadness. I purposed that I would face my hurt by acknowledging it, talking about it, and thus allowing it to heal. I purposed that my life was totally in God’s Hands, and I surrendered my life to His plan. I purposed to trust God’s sovereignty even though I didn’t understand.

You see, I finally see a silver lining in mourning. For, it was in the mourning that I felt God’s special grace and love as never before. It was in my darkness that I KNEW that God had not forsaken me or forgotten me. It was in my loss, that I realized what is truly important in my life. It was in my solitude that I could be ME and open my heart completely to God’s caring hands. It was in my despair that I could sense His loving presence holding me, caring for me, listening to me, and meeting me in my time of need. Unless you experience a great loss, you will never understand His AMAZING LOVE in this way.

And, if I were you, I would also exclaim that I would NOT want to go through this pain just to experience this level of God’s love. The pain is severe, but His gentle hands are indescribable. The closest thing I can think of to this feeling is that of a mother’s love caring for her children when they are sick. I grew up with a great mother who was a servant in every way; as I was growing up, I saw it best whenever I was sick. She would care for me quietly; she would touch me tenderly; she would feed me foods that would help me to recover. She would clean my wounds and cover them with bandages; she would stay by my bed if she felt I needed it; she would make sure I had any medicine that I needed. She would be there for my every need whether I needed her around the clock or just intermittently. I could rest because I knew that mom was there. Each time, there would come a point in time when the recovery was almost complete; I didn’t need my mom’s care, but I didn’t want to let go of this pampering. It was nice. I kinda liked being waited on this way. But, inevitably, mom knew that it was time to withdraw that care and allow me to get up and do for myself. Did she forget me? Did she quit caring about me? Did she stop loving me? No, none of these things were true. Her caretaker role had shifted; I didn’t need her the same way I did when I was sick. It made me want to stay sick. Well, not really, but I wanted the perks to being sick.

I remember one time when I was a freshman in college in Virginia, I got bed-ridden sick. I was really sick for several days. She drove to Virginia, got a hotel room, took me there with her and cared for me around the clock for what seemed like a week. I will never forget that because in my opinion, it was a mom’s truly selfless act of love for her daughter. Could I have managed without her? Sure. Did I whine and ask her to come? No, I was totally surprised that she did that. I relayed my illness to her and next thing I know, she was picking me up at my dorm. Did she lavish me with this type of attention every time I was ill? Not really, but if I needed her, she was definitely there.

For the past year and a half, I have been sick with mourning, and God has cared for me around the clock. He has brought people in my life to care for me. He gave many of you a burden to feed us, clothe us, clean our house, pray for us, befriend us, and listen to us. He was there for me in the wilderness at night crying out for comfort. He listened as I uttered all of my thoughts about this injustice and then covered me in peace as I fell asleep exhausted from the sobs. He awakened me each day with a sense of hope and promise. He gave me a voice and an outlet for my pain through writing. I felt more than ever that God was living through me, and I was simply a weak but willing puppet of His. In the midst of losing Rex, I liked this pampering, so to speak. I like being cared for, watched over, and loved on. I loved the feel of God’s grace; it’s so nice and soft and warm and cozy.

A few months back, I came to a point where I knew that it was time to shed my clothes of mourning and get back to life. At first, I embraced this in my mind, but then as I started to realize that things were going to change, I resisted. Just like when my mom would withdraw her constant care for me and allow me to carry on with my life, God started letting me resume my role in this life. But, that meant that I didn’t need God’s grace the same way to get through each day. When that happened, I decided that I didn’t want to get better. I liked the care that I had been receiving. Without understanding it, I had a temper tantrum. “Don’t leave me God? Where are you? Why aren’t you staying with me ALL the time? Please, I’m not completely better. I still cry and have sadness in my heart. I want to stay in mourning. Well, not really, but I want to keep receiving
God's abundant grace that I have been receiving through all of this.”

Has God left me? Does He not love me now? No. His role for my needs has shifted. He is exactly what we need when we need it. When this first started happening, I got scared. I was scared that I was losing Him when, in fact, He was telling me, “It’s time to get up and rejoin the living.” I was unsure of how I was to continue?

I was struggling with claiming a verse for 2009; after all, I didn't have a clue what lay ahead in 2009. I never thought for a minute that I would be wearing these shoes a few years ago.

I thought I had lost my voice in my writing. As I contemplated updating my blog, I couldn’t think of anything to say. I tried to force my writing, and it was all wrong. Was I ever going to post again? Does this mean I won’t ever write a book? Have I waited too long? What am I supposed to do now? I don’t want to drift through life living a mediocre life. I want this life of mine to have meaning, real life-changing meaning for God.

I recognized that as I was questioning this change, I had also begun to live again. I had reclaimed a humor to life that I hadn’t shown or felt in several years. Does living mean I don’t need God anymore? A part of me felt that I had traded my total dependence on God for a part dependence on God and part self-sufficiency. Was I turning my back on God? What in the world is going on with me? Had I disobeyed Him anywhere recently? All of these questions clouded my mind. I wanted answers because I didn't like what this was beginning to look like.

There is a danger in living again. The world has appeal again. Sin is very pleasurable and enticing. Selfishness emerges, and we think it will make us happy, when it really enslaves us and leaves us miserable and alone in the end. While I was grieving, I was safe from the lust of this world. Now that I am no longer carrying my anguish, I can see pleasure and happiness within reach again. This is a dangerous place to be. I must guard my heart and mind lest I fall. I had a dream the other night that showed me this very clearly. The nature of it haunted me throughout the day and into the next evening. I had thought I was dead to worldliness and selfishness. Through this dream, I realized that I am very vulnerable to these feelings. My emotions, my desires, my wants did not die with Rex. They were in a state of shock, and now they have recovered.

I sat down tonight to study my Sunday School lesson, and I felt God’s amazing presence again as I studied; I felt him showing me truth and guiding me in what to share to these young girls I have been given to teach. It was like I sat down with someone I hadn't talked to in a while and spent time together over coffee and just talked. It was nice, and I had a good time discovering God. And, just like when I do have those precious times with close friends or family, I didn’t want it to end. I stayed up late thinking about my pleasant time. I tried to go to bed, but I couldn’t quit thinking. I could still feel God’s presence with me, and I knew it was time to write. God hadn’t taken my voice away. As I sat down to start writing, He gave me an understanding of these past few months, and He gave me the words to share with you.

He also gave me my verse for 2009.

Isaiah 43:18-19
18 Do not remember the past events, pay no attention to things of old.
19 Look, I am about to do something new; even now it is coming. Do you not see it? Indeed, I will make a way in the wilderness, rivers in the desert.

I bear the scar of a wounded heart, but I must look ahead at the path before me if I am to forge ahead.

Donna Meadows