Sunday, February 3, 2008

Today would have been Rex' 40th birthday if he were here.

It has been an emotional day for me. The girls wanted to spend this day with Rex' family, so that is what we did. I can't say that it was a blast for me because it was something to get through.

Rex' favorite cake was a lemon pound cake. At the last minute, I decided to make one this afternoon in honor of him. I got so mad at myself because I never made them for him when he was alive. Why in the world didn't I make him this cake? He let me know on more than one occasion that he loved this cake, and yet I didn't take the time to do this for him. Today, when I decided to bake this cake, I was standing in my kitchen by myself, and I sobbed -- why didn't I do this for him when he was living? Why was I always taking and demanding from him instead of loving him?

I remember all these moments we had together, and I am really sad that I wasn't a better wife to him. He was a much better husband than I was a wife. I struggle with regret in this way. I can never bake a cake for him and see him enjoy it; I can never buy him another birthday present and see him smile. It's these moments that are so hard to let go of.

Rex used to love to watch sports, but after he got saved, he rarely sat down to watch them. He used to tell me that if he couldn't spend two hours with God reading his Bible and praying, then he didn't feel comfortable sitting down to watch a 2 hour game. So, he didn't spend a lot of time watching sports. One game he did watch every year was the Super Bowl, so I thought it was ironic that his 40th birthday, his first birthday in heaven was on Super Bowl Sunday.

I don't really have much to say; I only wanted to mark Rex' birthday. I really miss him.

God bless,