Rex is not feeling well today. He came home early from work yesterday because he wasn't feeling well. His stamina is not strong enough to allow him to work a full week. He has tried to work somewhat regular hours, and he wiped out yesterday. He came home and went straight to bed and slept several hours. His back started hurting this week. I was concerned that it was his kidneys, but it only hurts when he moves. One of the side effects of the Xeloda(chemo pill) that he is taking is joint pain -- I believe he is experiencing that because he is hurting in places where he has had injuries or pain in joints and areas before the cancer. The other thing that has flared up is his gout. He usually has a flare up maybe once a year. He woke up in excruciating pain at 2 am. His pillow was completely soaked with sweat. It finally eased off a little after he took his medicine for gout.
My heart is heavy right now. I, naturally, do better when Rex is doing well. Overall, he is doing great with all of this; and, I truly believe it is because of your prayers for him. When he is not doing so great, I do not do great either. I don't want that because I want to be able to be the caretaker that Rex needs, and I want to be able to be strong and consistent for the kids; I seem to stress out somewhat, and breakdown from time to time. It is a day by day process. It doesn't build and build, and then I need to relieve it. It is so unpredictable. I do great several days, and then, I just have a down day. My down days usually coincide with Rex' down days. Since his days are not predictable, neither are mine. When Rex is doing great I can forget briefly that he is sick, and when he is not feeling well, I am reminded of it, and then I have sadness and tears over it. They are not tears of anger. Rather, I think they are tears of just sadness and grief for Rex and the girls. My grief for Rex is because he wants to see his girls grow up and grow old with me, and I don't want him to have to endure this nasty stuff. My grief for the girls is simply because they love their daddy so much and want him to get better. He is a good husband; he is a good father. I want him to stay with us. I don't want him to be sick.
I know that days like this are to be expected. I have only had a couple days like this, so far. I don't want to just send emails when things are great because I do covet your prayers for us.
Rex is scheduled to go back into the hospital for another round of chemo drip next week (Monday Feb. 12th - Friday Feb. 17th). We thought it wouldn't be until the week after next. We have to prepare emotionally for this. All of you who have ever had to go through this chemo stuff, understand the dread of it. Just about the time he starts feeling fairly normal, he has to go through the cycle again. This round should hit his body harder than last time, so that adds to the dread of it. And, I'm sure that it adds to the heaviness in my heart. Rex is having a really hard time taking his Xeloda everyday, too. He is taking 3,600mg of Xeloda each day throughout the week (10 pills each day). He has to force himself to take them everytime. He has not been really sick since the last weekend in January right after he came home from the hospital, but he has some nausea 24/7. Sometimes, when he eats, it eases it; sometimes, it worsens - not a whole lot of rhyme and reason to it.
Rex is going to talk with Human Resources today at his work. They have started questioning his work schedule lately. They originally told us that he would have to work an average of 35 hours a week in order to keep his insurance. Obviously, he didn't work the week he was in the hospital, and he couldn't work the week after because he was sick and had no strength. This week he has gone to work, but I am not real sure that he is even going to be able to work 35 hours. He just doesn't have the stamina. Please pray that they will be compassionate and work with him. His supervisor has been great, but she can only do so much for Rex; beyond that, it's in the hands of other people, and more specifically, their personnel handbook. He has really good insurance, so we don't really want to lose it. I personally don't sweat the lack of pay we've had right now, but I do find myself sweating the lack of health insurance through this. Why is it that I trust God with Rex' health, I trust God with our bills, but I don't seem to trust God with our health insurance? That just seems so silly to me to feel that way, but I do.
I know that there have been many who have thought, "Why, Rex?" I don't know the answer to that except to say that I believe that God allowed it because He knew that it would have a positive impact on the people around Rex. He knew it would forever change our lives. I firmly believe that God wants the people around us - family, friends, even strangers - to give their lives to Christ for the first time, or to renew their relationship with Christ, or to find healing of something in their heart.
I have seen more wounded hearts around me since all of this began than ever before. Wounds manifest themselves outwardly, somehow. They never stay inside just to inflict pain on the victim. You have probably heard about the analogy of the rotten apple basket story. I heard it when I was a teenager used by my parents to talk about my choices in friends. If you have good apples next to some apples that are rotting, the rotting apples will affect the good apples to rot. Never do you see the rotting apples stop rotting and become a good apple.
But, look at even further. If you take the rotting apple and remove it from the basket of apples, it doesn't affect the good apples anymore. Further, the longer the rotting apple sits, the more rotten it gets. Now, look at wounds in your life. If you don't deal with the wound or allow healing in your life, then the wound gets worse, it spreads and starts affecting the areas around it. It spreads further until it affects others around you starting with those that are closest to you. Now, you have allowed your wound to begin to wound others.
What is the remedy? I think it first begins with acknowledging the wound in your life: what caused it, how it has festered in your life and wounded the lives of those around you. Then, I think you need to seek God's face for healing for yourself and for those around you that have been affected. God wants to give you a life that is not gripped by hurt, pain, and sin. Don't let the evil one trick you into thinking that you are doomed and that there is no hope for you. You do not have to live a wounded life.
Hosea 10:12 Sow for yourselves righteousness; Reap in mercy; Break up your fallow ground, For it is time to seek the Lord, Till He comes and rains righteousness on you.
Isaiah 58:8-12 8 Then your light shall break forth like the morning, Your healing shall spring forth speedily, And your righteousness shall go before you; The glory of the Lord shall be your rear guard. 9 Then you shall call, and the Lord will answer; You shall cry, and He will say, 'Here I am.' "If you take away the yoke from your midst, The pointing of the finger, and speaking wickedness, 10 If you extend your soul to the hungry And satisfy the afflicted soul, Then your light shall dawn in the darkness, And your darkness shall be as the noonday. 11 The Lord will guide you continually, And satisfy your soul in drought, And strengthen your bones; You shall be like a watered garden, And like a spring of water, whose waters do not fail. 12 Those from among you Shall build the old waste places; You shall raise up the foundations of many generations; And you shall be called the Repairer of the Breach, The Restorer of Streets to Dwell In.
I started this with a heavy heart, and God has already given me a refreshed spirit. God is good all the time.
Donna Meadows
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