Rex was able to go through the entire week last week getting his chemo each day. As the week wore on, he got weaker and weaker. Again, same as last time, he started vomiting on Friday. We braced ourselves for the days sure to follow. Rex attempted valliantly to not get dehydrated this time - sipping, drinking at every possible moment. He spent most of the weekend in the bed trying to lay still to avoid more vomiting and to ward off nausea.
Rex thought he would be ok Sunday while we were at church. He ended up calling me toward the end of Sunday School needing me to come home. This time I prepared the right way for our trip to the hospital. I called the on-call number for Rex' doctor and decided to let them take care of getting Rex some fluids. It was a huge change from the week before. We were able to go in and get Rex started on fluids pretty quick. He stayed two nights getting fluids and medicine for nausea. He has also developed a nasty case of thrush which doesn't encourage eating. He started to come home Monday afternoon, but ended up vomiting more; so, he stayed the second night. On Tuesday morning, he did come home. He spent most of the day in bed; he managed to get up from time to time attempting to look alive only to find his energy and stamina to be pitiful putting him back in the bed.
I have had several times that I wanted to send an update and share, but I think that I bottomed out myself. These last seven weeks of physical and emotional strain finally wiped me out. I was just too weary. I had to take some time to rest.
There have been many who have shared with us that they really feel that God is going to use this trial in our lives to strengthen our walk and our testimony, and that they really believe that Rex will be healed of this disease. In the last seven weeks, as different people would share that with me, I would respond either verbally or in my heart that I did not have that same assurance or promise. I carried in my heart the promise that God was going to give us the strength to go through this trial day by day. I also had the security that God is in control and that He is allowing this trial because He knows the future and He knows what is absolute best for us - that's part of that complete trust that I have in God and His love for us. But, God had not given me any promise that Rex would be healed.
I have shed many, many tears asking God for healing. I even went through a time in the beginning trying to "earn" Rex' healing, essentially trying to bargain with God for Rex' health to be given back to him. I realized that if I "earned" his health, in my heart God would not get the glory. I realized that if I "earned" his health, then my life would probably not be changed. The changes would be temporary. I don't want to be changed temporarily. I want my life to surge to a new level of devotion for Him. I can't "earn" anything from God. I can't "earn" grace, love, mercy or salvation. It is His gift to me, and He gets the glory when I accept it. My devotion to God is not even of myself; if it weren't for Him living in me, I couldn't be faithful or dedicated. He makes it possible.
Not only have I asked for healing, but I have specifically asked God to heal Rex before the surgery. I am a strong believer in the Master Design of the human body. Every part of our bodies have purpose and function. If God put it there, then there is purpose for it. The thoughts of removing part of that design doesn't thrill me at all. I do realize that there are times when these bodies have to be adjusted to keep them functioning, but I don't take it lightly.
This morning I experienced something unique. I was sitting at the table eating breakfast. I was casually flipping through the latest Focus on the Family mag; I was reading bits and pieces here and there when I felt this quiet voice in my heart simply say, "He's not going to have surgery; he's fine." It was a strange and chilling moment. I kinda got lost in that thought trying to determine what in the world brought it on. I re-read the article I was reading to see if maybe that had triggered it. No, it really had nothing in it to ellicit this thought. Then, I thought to myself maybe it was God giving me a promise for Rex' health. I also thought that it could be explained as wishful thinking. The strange thing about that is that I was thinking nothing about Rex and cancer when this happened. It was if my thoughts had been interrupted, very similar to the experience of having a conversation with someone and being interrupted abruptly by a third person.
I have hesitated, pondered, and prayed all day whether I should even share this because of it's prophetic impression. Do I doubt that the Holy Spirit speaks to us? No. I just want to be very careful about making such strong statements. I tried to think of every perspective that I could on this. If I tell people about this and Rex' scan on March 7th shows no change, then what do I say. How do I explain it? I can't. If I don't tell people about this, and his scan shows that he is healed, is that a missed opportunity to show God's power and grace? Believe me, I have thought of this quite a bit today. If I share this and there is no change or Rex still has the surgery or even worse, he gets sicker, then does that diminish God's power at all in the minds of all of you that have prayed for us and kept up with these updates? I believe that God answers prayer; would this make it seem as if He doesn't? I don't want to do anything that is going to be a stumbling block or plant seeds of doubt in your minds about our testimony which ultimately reflects Jesus Christ in our lives.
Further, when I attempt to pray for Rex' healing now, it's as if it is a mute point. It feels like I am attempting to utter empty words, kinda like praying for safety for a trip that you took last month. I can't explain it any better than that. I feel in my heart that God has taken care of it. My heart feels lighter, almost fluttery. My mind says to pray; my heart says it's done.
I will leave it like that. You do what God leads you to do for us. If he burdens you to pray a certain way, then do it. Whatever you do, don't worry -- I am not going looney. I will accept the truth of Rex' health whatever it may be. I have tried to be very honest about what we have experienced through this, how we have felt, what we have thought. I realized that I could not send much of an update today without expressing the truth in my heart.
Isaiah 58:8-12
8 Then your light shall break forth like the morning, Your healing shall spring forth speedily, And your righteousness shall go before you; The glory of the Lord shall be your rear guard. 9 Then you shall call, and the Lord will answer; You shall cry, and He will say, 'Here I am.' "If you take away the yoke from your midst, The pointing of the finger, and speaking wickedness, 10 If you extend your soul to the hungry And satisfy the afflicted soul, Then your light shall dawn in the darkness, And your darkness shall be as the noonday. 11 The Lord will guide you continually, And satisfy your soul in drought, And strengthen your bones; You shall be like a watered garden, And like a spring of water, whose waters do not fail. 12 Those from among you Shall build the old waste places; You shall raise up the foundations of many generations; And you shall be called the Repairer of the Breach, The Restorer of Streets to Dwell In.
I have shared this Scripture before; it has added meaning to me today.
To God be the Glory for everything,
Donna Meadows
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