Monday, August 27, 2007

"A head hung in despair cannot scan the horizon for God's provision." That is what I started my update with exactly a year before Rex died. He died on Aug. 10, 2007 and I sent an update on Aug. 10, 2006. I have been reading some of my old entries on the blog; out of curiosity, I wanted to see where we were a year before he died. I was a little shocked to see that my one and only entry in August 2006 was exactly one year before Rex died. As I re-read this update, I remember it being one of my most vivid updates. In this particular entry, I added Psalm 40. As I read this scripture again, it is just as comforting to me today as it was a year ago. I am glad that I have journaled and done these updates throughout these many months. It is something that I think is going to help me grieve and heal. It is going to help me remember.

Remembering is something that has become very important to me recently. When you think that no new memories will be made, remembering becomes crucial. With that, I am struggling with not being able to remember specific things. I don't want to get caught up in things that I can't change or add to, and I typically don't allow myself to have this unproductive thought pattern. I find myself trying to remember the last real conversation that Rex and I had; I want to remember the last kiss; I want to remember the last hug. I want to remember the last thing we did together as a family. I can't specifically remember them, and it bothers me. One thing I do remember is our last real prayer time together. I want to remember more. He slept so much those last few days; I spent a great deal of my time with Rachael and others that most of it is a blur. I don't know why the "last time" holds so much significance. I don't know what is typical or not typical through grief.

Right in line with that are the "one more time" thoughts. I wish I could just have one more conversation, one more kiss, one more hug, one more outing together, one more meal together. Just one more...

I have been thinking about how much I was going to reveal about my thoughts and struggles. I have shared them pretty openly in the past; the battle is over for Rex now, but I am still in this race. I don't want my struggles to turn into the devil's playing ground trying to keep me from living a victorious life. So, I actually thought that I would keep my thought struggles to myself. Then, as I started typing this email. I let it out anyway.

God is so faithful. Just as soon as I got done typing my struggle with remembering, a memory of that last week came flooding back into my mind. I remember the last time we went outside as a family. We went for a golf cart ride. The kids took their bikes with us; we went to the church next door and we rode around on the golf cart while the kids rode their bikes. We were trying to get Rex outside to get some Vitamin D. It was a happy time; the girls were so happy to be outside all together. Thank you, Lord, you are so gracious.

Rex was our creepy crawlie hero. I grew up playing with creepy crawlies; somewhere along the way, I developed an aversion to creepy crawlies. I don't like to see them nor do I want them in the house. In the past, whenever a creepy crawlie was discovered, especially if I saw it first, there would typically be a scream followed with a plea for Rex to save me. I have known that this is not productive for our girls because they are probably going to respond to creepy crawlies the same way I do. But, I still would find myself screaming and having fits. Rex took it in stride. It became a humorous thing as he would come to save the day. When the girls were around, he would make a big deal of it and proclaim that he was "Super daddy" and here he came to save the day. The girls loved it; then, he would take care of the creepy crawlie. He was our hero.

We had a creepy crawlie moment today and Rex wasn't here to save the day. A lizard was in the house; when I first saw it, I screamed in typical fashion as it startled me. Of course, the girls came running to see what was wrong. I was still screaming, "Lizard, lizard, there's a lizard in the house." Naturally, they started screaming and jumping up and down too. What were we going to do? Suddenly, I realized that Rex wasn't here. I had to just walk out of the room to get my composure. When I came back in, the girls had gone and gotten the brooms and had pushed the furniture all over the room trying to find that lizard so they could save us. They were running to and fro thinking that would help them, that maybe it would keep the lizard from getting them. I had to come back in and calmly explain that the lizard was not going to hurt us; it would be ok. That lizard is still in this house somewhere! Ugh!

Those of you that came to the receiving and funeral probably saw the pictures that we had of our family taken just a week before Rex died. We didn't plan this at all. God laid it on Sheri Allison's heart to come take some pictures of us in our home. She did an absolutely wonderful job. I will forever be grateful to her for doing this for us as it became the last time we were able to capture moments of Rex with us, especially moments including Rachael. You can look at these pictures on her website. http://www.sheriallison.com/ go to "Recent Sessions" and then "RexDonna." I think you will be delighted with them like we are. I've looked at them hundreds of times. Just to keep the confusion at a minimum, the last five pics have an extra in them -- my niece's little girl, Tori.

I would like to end this email with Psalm 40, the same scripture I put in my email exactly a year before Rex left us to spend eternity with Jesus.

Psalm 40 1 I waited patiently for the Lord; And He inclined to me, And heard my cry. 2 He also brought me up out of a horrible pit, Out of the miry clay, And set my feet upon a rock, And established my steps. 3 He has put a new song in my mouth-- Praise to our God; Many will see it and fear, And will trust in the Lord. 4 Blessed is that man who makes the Lord his trust, And does not respect the proud, nor such as turn aside to lies. 5 Many, O Lord my God, are Your wonderful works Which You have done; And Your thoughts toward us Cannot be recounted to You in order; If I would declare and speak of them, They are more than can be numbered. 6 Sacrifice and offering You did not desire; My ears You have opened. Burnt offering and sin offering You did not require. 7 Then I said, "Behold, I come; In the scroll of the book it is written of me. 8 I delight to do Your will, O my God, And Your law is within my heart." 9 I have proclaimed the good news of righteousness In the great assembly; Indeed, I do not restrain my lips, O Lord, You Yourself know. 10 I have not hidden Your righteousness within my heart; I have declared Your faithfulness and Your salvation; I have not concealed Your lovingkindness and Your truth From the great assembly. 11 Do not withhold Your tender mercies from me, O Lord; Let Your lovingkindness and Your truth continually preserve me. 12 For innumerable evils have surrounded me; My iniquities have overtaken me, so that I am not able to look up; They are more than the hairs of my head; Therefore my heart fails me. 13 Be pleased, O Lord, to deliver me; O Lord, make haste to help me! 14 Let them be ashamed and brought to mutual confusion Who seek to destroy my life; Let them be driven backward and brought to dishonor Who wish me evil. 15 Let them be confounded because of their shame, Who say to me, "Aha, aha!" 16 Let all those who seek You rejoice and be glad in You; Let such as love Your salvation say continually, "The Lord be magnified!" 17 But I am poor and needy; Yet the Lord thinks upon me. You are my help and my deliverer; Do not delay, O my God.

I hope that my life will always declare God's faithfulness, salvation, and lovingkindness as Rex' life did until the very end.