Tuesday, August 7, 2007

Rex took a distinct turn for the worse on July 17, 2007. He had a fairly good weekend before that, and a pretty good Monday on the 16th; he had even commented about feeling pretty good on that Monday. On Tuesday, he spent the better part of the day in bed. By Friday, July 20th, he had developed jaundice in his face, so we knew that something was up with his liver. On Monday, July 23rd, he had blood work done that showed his liver functions and bilirubin were really high. His dr. sent him to the hospital to have another CT scan done; we still don't have the full report, but the preliminary report showed quite a bit of activity in his lymph nodes in his abdominal area, particularly around his liver. His liver showed spots, as well. The swollen lymph nodes around his liver appear to be clogging off his biliary ducts which is causing the bile to back up. The back up of bile is causing Rex his extreme nausea. The extreme nausea is keeping him from eating. He currently eats about 6-7 bites of food a day, and he does this by sheer will; he dry heaves several times a day from the nausea. He sleeps a great deal of the day. He has also developed peripheal swelling in the lower part of his body, starting with his lower abdominal area down to his feet. You can't even tell he has ankles because of the swelling.

He is literally starving to death right now because he doesn't eat much. I do get him to drink more than I can get him to eat, so I can juice for him and make him smoothies. He seems to be able to tolerate that. I take capsules of supplements and open them up and pour them into his drinks to try to get his body nourished to offset the lack of eating. It is a daily struggle.

Because he feels so bad, he really has no concept of time. If I ask him if he wants something, he always answers me with "in just a minute", then his minute turns into hours as he sleeps. I hate to wake him, so I end up waiting until he opens his eyes again. Doing something as simple as taking a shower totally wears him out to where he has to follow it with a few hours of sleep.

It is so hard to watch his body slowly dying. I know that his health can still be restored, it doesn't have that appearance now nor does it seem that it will happen. We talk about it sometimes when Rex is awake, whether God is going to allow him to live or not. Regardless of his terminal prognosis, we know God is the giver of life and He alone numbers our days. With that being said, there is hope until the last breath.

Sunday night, I broke down to a level I haven't ever been to before. I held Rex and sobbed for his life. I cried out to God for over an hour asking for God's favor, mercy, and healing, declaring God's victory over evil, quoting promises from the Bible, asking for His presence in our home and asking God to bind any evil influence from our lives and our home. There were a few times that I couldn't speak at all because I was overcome with emotion, and Rex would fill in those gaps with praise to God and pleas for his protection. As I sit here and try to describe those moments, it is difficult to put into words. I have never felt so helpless or desperate as I was totally broken before God. I laid there and told God everything that I felt, everything that I wanted, everything that I needed; I have cried out to God before, but this was with deep emotions that I didn't know existed or could be felt; I can't even really explain it. And, while it was painful to acknowledge and declare my insecurities to Him, I know that this is exactly what God wants from us. I know that when we are humbled before Him, then He can use us and work in our lives. At some point, I drifted off to sleep in total exhaustion. I slept peacefully. And, I woke up feeling refreshed and filled with hope.

Rex has such a countenance of grace. His attitude is remarkable. He is not angry, nor does he seem fearful. He has peace. He has not given up. He just knows that his life fully rests in God's hands, and Rex trusts that. I almost think that God has removed any fretfulness from Rex as Rex sees me take care of him and pray for him and cry over him. He does not complain at all. I am not really sure how much pain he is in because he doesn't mention it. The bigger issue is his nausea these days. When I do things for him, he always gives me a smile and thanks me. He used to not ask anything of me because he felt I had too much on my plate; I think that he has finally realized that it is a privilege for me to care for him, and so he will ask me to massage his legs and rub his back and get things for him.

As I mentioned before, we haven't gotten the full report from Rex' CT scan done on July 23rd. We missed his appt. last Monday; I thought it was this week; instead it was last week. Neither he nor I really care to hear the full report; the only reason we even had the scan done was to see if there was anything emergency related that needed to be done for Rex. Once we learned that the scan showed a progression of his disease, I didn't want to hear anymore. Rex doesn't want to know what it says either. We know what it means -- he is already a terminal case in man's eyes and this is just a reminder that he has reached the next notch toward death in this nasty disease. Because of this, I haven't called to reschedule his appt. yet.

Throughout this past year and a half, there have been many times when we would start to get discouraged or feel defeated and God would give us a promise or some tidbit of hope to hold onto. I received one of these moments on July 19th. I was originally going to wait until I could tell "the rest of the story" before I shared it, but I think instead I will share what I can with you now.

It actually began that Thursday morning as I sat down to have my quiet time. I asked God to really speak to me and give me something that would not be easily forgotten; I was asking for one of those precious nuggets that you never forget because of its power and impact. As I read my Bible that morning, I didn't get that nugget I was seeking; I had a good quiet time, it just didn't speak that power that I was asking for. I wasn't upset about it; I actually thought that maybe I wasn't still enough and missed it.

That afternoon, I went to the grocery store and on the way home, the song "Voice of Truth" came on -- I have heard this song thousands of times, and while I have always liked this song, it has never been a song that evokes strong emotions for me. As I listened to it, I really thought about what it was saying. When it got to the part that says "Oh what I would do to have the kind of strength it takes to stand before a giant with just a sling and a stone," I didn't hear the rest of the song because my thoughts were in David's shoes that day as he stood before the giant. I tried to imagine what he was feeling and thinking as he dared to do what no one else had the courage to do. Then, I thought about the 5 stones that David had in his sling. I could see David in the brook gathering 5 stones as he prepared to face the giant. He gathered 5 stones; David only needed one. I thought about our situation and how we were facing our giant, and how we have prepared to face our giant. Should we gather 5 stones to face our giant? What would the 5 stones be? God was speaking to me and giving me the morsel that I had asked for that morning. I believe that God was telling me to prepare to face our giant by gathering 5 stones. I got so excited about this as I drove home; when I got home I shared it with Rex; he felt equally encouraged by it.

I didn't have a clue what our 5 stones were going to be, but I knew that God was going to reveal them to me. I knew that I was going to be seeking and listening for the interpretation of our 5 stones. I didn't know if it was going to be 5 verses, 5 promises, or 5 things to do. A day or so later, I came across something as I was reading that I thought could be our 5 stones; I decided to proceed with it until or unless God showed me something differently. I have also had two other possibilities for our 5 stones that have been revealed to me. It is not without-a-doubt apparent to me what our 5 stones are -- pray that God will clearly show us what our 5 stones are to be.

For over a year, I prayed for specific direction regarding Rex' health. I gave up on that prayer in recent weeks as I adjusted my prayer to asking for God to heal Rex instead of asking what "I" could do to bring healing for Rex. I had to reach the end of myself and realize that it wasn't about me or what I could do or what any man could do. It had to be what God could do because He alone is worthy; He alone can heal Rex' body; He alone deserves the praise and glory in our lives.

When I least expected it, God answered my prayer of so many months and has given us some direction in this battle. I had to get to a point of brokenness and total reliance on Him before He could do so.

I don't know what the future holds for our family. I know that Rex is at his weakest physically than he has ever been. I know that his body is in a fight for his life. I know that God is on the throne and in control; God is not surprised by any of this. I know that I want Rex to live.

Please pray for us to know exactly what our role is in the days ahead. Pray for protection from any evil influence. Pray for God's healing touch on Rex' body. Pray for continued strength for me -- he has blessed me tremendously with energy and strength these last two weeks. Pray for us to gather our 5 stones to face this giant.

Have a blessed day!

Donna Meadows