Saturday, August 11, 2007

Much of the last 30 hours have been both a whirlwind and surreal. Even though we knew that this day was most likely coming and could have prepared better for these next couple of days, it was something that I couldn't face until forced to do so. I guess for me preparing for a funeral before death is synonymous with giving up. And, I couldn't give up until the very end.

I hadn't planned on sending an email out. I originally started these emails to be entirely informative in nature, but they have turned into so much more, at least for me they have. I have always known that writing is very therapeutic for me. When I am anxious or frustrated or confused or mad, I deal with it by writing. I have done that for years; the difference is that with Rex' illness, my writings have been seen by others' eyes. All my prior writings were for my eyes only, and most of the time, were thrown away once written. So you may have to bear with me a little while longer as I share my heart.

When I have not been occupied with talking with someone or taking care of funeral arrangements, my thoughts have been consumed with Rex' last days here with us. As I look back on his last hours and ponder what his thoughts were, I think I have realized that he knew he was going to die.

I remember talking with him probably six months ago and telling him that he scared me a little being so strong. I told him that he had such a high tolerance for pain and illness that he would probably be almost dead before I even knew he needed medical care. And, of course, he showed that to be true. I shared in my last email some of his lab readings, but I didn't tell you that his liver and kidneys were already in failure when we got to the hospital.

It wasn't until the hospital had put Rex in ICU that I learned how close he was to death. Up until then, I was just aware that he was very ill and really only knew that his potassium levels were very high and that his blood pressure was very low. Once he was in ICU, the dr. sat down with me and talked about Rex' health. He asked me what my understanding of Rex' health was. I basically said that I knew he was dying, but I didn't know how close to death he was. The dr. then asked me if I wanted him to be totally honest with me. I said yes; he then told me that Rex' liver and kidneys had failed and that they would do everything they could for him, but he could die in the night, the next day or in a week. It really depended on whether the medicines and treatments they would give would do any good, but that the treatment they could give was really just a bandaid. It would not reverse his illness or fix his health.

Shortly, after being admitted to ICU, I had my friend who was keeping the girls bring them back to the hospital to say goodbye. I talked with them and explained to them that their daddy was very very ill and very close to death. Erin and Amber immediately started crying; Lindsey just watched them cry; she mainly listened and observed me, Erin, and Amber. I explained to them that I didn't know why God was allowing their daddy to die, but that he wouldn't be sick anymore once he was in heaven with Jesus. I told them that he had fought this illness with everything that he had because he wanted to be here with us. I held them and hugged them as they cried and told them that I was sorry that they had to experience this hurt in their life, that I hurt for them. I told them that I wanted them to go hug their daddy and tell them that they loved him and say goodbye. So, we went to see him; each one of the girls hugged their daddy and told them that they loved him -- Erin and Amber cried through this; Lindsey was a little confused and hesitant. Rex was able to say a few words to them that I hope they will be able to carry with them. He told them that he loved them, that he was proud of them, that God was still in control, and to love their momma. They didn't want to stay in there with him; it was really hard for them to see his very gaunt and sick body. That is not how they wanted to see or remember their daddy. I am glad that they had those few moments with him. Rachael, being two weeks old, will never know or have any memory of her daddy; but one thing she will know is that her daddy loved her and named her completely by himself.

The nurses and doctors were giving Rex stuff to draw the potassium out of his body; they had given him cortisol to get his adrenals to function; they were giving him fluids to hydrate his body, hoping to jumpstart his kidneys. They were giving him Dopamine to bring his blood pressure up. They were giving him some strong antibiotics to fight infection in his body. They were hoping that by offsetting the adrenal insufficiency with cortisol and giving the fluids for dehydration they could flush the toxins in his body. After several hours, it became apparent that it was not going to help. He was receiving a lot of fluids. In several hours time, Rex had just drops of urine output. His kidneys were not responding. The potassium and ammonia levels were not lowering. At this point, I really didn't think he would live through the night.

By the early hours of the morning, we (Terry - Rex' brother, Robin - Rex' sister, and I) had reached a point where we didn't want to see Rex suffer and gave him permission to let go. As hours went by, Rex continued to breathe and his heart continued to beat. The nurses began to discontinue corrective treatment and instead focused on palliative care to make him comfortable in the time he had left.

Shortly, before his death, as many family and friends were gathered in Rex' ICU room, I had this sudden sense of Rex' presence in the room, as if he were outside his body looking over the room. He was physically there in his bed unresponsive and taking one breath after another while his pulse was very weak and his blood pressure very low, but his presence was suddenly very strong to me. I felt that Rex was very aware of who was in the room and in that moment, I knew he wanted everyone to leave. Almost immediately, I asked to be left alone. Once we were alone, I climbed up into his bed as best as I could. I held him and gave him my goodbye talk. I had already told him that I would miss him and that he could let go -- that was me giving him my tearful, agonizing, dont-want-you-to-suffer-anymore release. This talk was a little different. It was a very calm conversation that I had with him where I told him how I felt about him. I told him how glad I was to have known and been married to him. I told him that God had blessed my life tremendously by bringing us together. I told him that he had been a wonderful husband and father; I told him that I would miss him terribly, and I hated to see him go. I told Rex that I loved him, and I kissed him. As soon as I kissed him, he gasped this big deep breath; moments later his heart stopped beating.

It became apparent to me during the night, that the 5 stones were his 5 girls -- me, Erin, Amber, Lindsey, and Rachael. I don't know what this means because I was looking for stones that would heal Rex in this physical life. It will be interesting to come to understand God's purpose through this.

I sat in his room near his body for the next hour. I mainly sat there numb. When I finally worked up the ability to leave, I went to touch his body one more time. I held his hand, rubbed his leg, touched his chest and hugged his body; I was so broken because I knew that this was the last time I would feel the warmth of his body. This inevitable end had pervaded my thoughts over Rex' last hours. There would be no more smiles, no more memories made together, no more conversations. There would be no more hugs and kisses. There would be no more tender touches of affection. I would not feel his arms around me nor would I hold his hand. It hurt so much to know that I was touching his warm body for the last time. I can't even describe the pounding anguish I felt deep in my heart. It drained me to experience it, and it drains me to express it.

I know that there will be some really difficult days ahead. We have begun a different chapter in our family. I must admit: I have some fears about raising my girls alone. I also know that I have to live one day at a time.

I know that God's grace is sufficient,

Donna Meadows

Tuesday, August 7, 2007

Rex took a distinct turn for the worse on July 17, 2007. He had a fairly good weekend before that, and a pretty good Monday on the 16th; he had even commented about feeling pretty good on that Monday. On Tuesday, he spent the better part of the day in bed. By Friday, July 20th, he had developed jaundice in his face, so we knew that something was up with his liver. On Monday, July 23rd, he had blood work done that showed his liver functions and bilirubin were really high. His dr. sent him to the hospital to have another CT scan done; we still don't have the full report, but the preliminary report showed quite a bit of activity in his lymph nodes in his abdominal area, particularly around his liver. His liver showed spots, as well. The swollen lymph nodes around his liver appear to be clogging off his biliary ducts which is causing the bile to back up. The back up of bile is causing Rex his extreme nausea. The extreme nausea is keeping him from eating. He currently eats about 6-7 bites of food a day, and he does this by sheer will; he dry heaves several times a day from the nausea. He sleeps a great deal of the day. He has also developed peripheal swelling in the lower part of his body, starting with his lower abdominal area down to his feet. You can't even tell he has ankles because of the swelling.

He is literally starving to death right now because he doesn't eat much. I do get him to drink more than I can get him to eat, so I can juice for him and make him smoothies. He seems to be able to tolerate that. I take capsules of supplements and open them up and pour them into his drinks to try to get his body nourished to offset the lack of eating. It is a daily struggle.

Because he feels so bad, he really has no concept of time. If I ask him if he wants something, he always answers me with "in just a minute", then his minute turns into hours as he sleeps. I hate to wake him, so I end up waiting until he opens his eyes again. Doing something as simple as taking a shower totally wears him out to where he has to follow it with a few hours of sleep.

It is so hard to watch his body slowly dying. I know that his health can still be restored, it doesn't have that appearance now nor does it seem that it will happen. We talk about it sometimes when Rex is awake, whether God is going to allow him to live or not. Regardless of his terminal prognosis, we know God is the giver of life and He alone numbers our days. With that being said, there is hope until the last breath.

Sunday night, I broke down to a level I haven't ever been to before. I held Rex and sobbed for his life. I cried out to God for over an hour asking for God's favor, mercy, and healing, declaring God's victory over evil, quoting promises from the Bible, asking for His presence in our home and asking God to bind any evil influence from our lives and our home. There were a few times that I couldn't speak at all because I was overcome with emotion, and Rex would fill in those gaps with praise to God and pleas for his protection. As I sit here and try to describe those moments, it is difficult to put into words. I have never felt so helpless or desperate as I was totally broken before God. I laid there and told God everything that I felt, everything that I wanted, everything that I needed; I have cried out to God before, but this was with deep emotions that I didn't know existed or could be felt; I can't even really explain it. And, while it was painful to acknowledge and declare my insecurities to Him, I know that this is exactly what God wants from us. I know that when we are humbled before Him, then He can use us and work in our lives. At some point, I drifted off to sleep in total exhaustion. I slept peacefully. And, I woke up feeling refreshed and filled with hope.

Rex has such a countenance of grace. His attitude is remarkable. He is not angry, nor does he seem fearful. He has peace. He has not given up. He just knows that his life fully rests in God's hands, and Rex trusts that. I almost think that God has removed any fretfulness from Rex as Rex sees me take care of him and pray for him and cry over him. He does not complain at all. I am not really sure how much pain he is in because he doesn't mention it. The bigger issue is his nausea these days. When I do things for him, he always gives me a smile and thanks me. He used to not ask anything of me because he felt I had too much on my plate; I think that he has finally realized that it is a privilege for me to care for him, and so he will ask me to massage his legs and rub his back and get things for him.

As I mentioned before, we haven't gotten the full report from Rex' CT scan done on July 23rd. We missed his appt. last Monday; I thought it was this week; instead it was last week. Neither he nor I really care to hear the full report; the only reason we even had the scan done was to see if there was anything emergency related that needed to be done for Rex. Once we learned that the scan showed a progression of his disease, I didn't want to hear anymore. Rex doesn't want to know what it says either. We know what it means -- he is already a terminal case in man's eyes and this is just a reminder that he has reached the next notch toward death in this nasty disease. Because of this, I haven't called to reschedule his appt. yet.

Throughout this past year and a half, there have been many times when we would start to get discouraged or feel defeated and God would give us a promise or some tidbit of hope to hold onto. I received one of these moments on July 19th. I was originally going to wait until I could tell "the rest of the story" before I shared it, but I think instead I will share what I can with you now.

It actually began that Thursday morning as I sat down to have my quiet time. I asked God to really speak to me and give me something that would not be easily forgotten; I was asking for one of those precious nuggets that you never forget because of its power and impact. As I read my Bible that morning, I didn't get that nugget I was seeking; I had a good quiet time, it just didn't speak that power that I was asking for. I wasn't upset about it; I actually thought that maybe I wasn't still enough and missed it.

That afternoon, I went to the grocery store and on the way home, the song "Voice of Truth" came on -- I have heard this song thousands of times, and while I have always liked this song, it has never been a song that evokes strong emotions for me. As I listened to it, I really thought about what it was saying. When it got to the part that says "Oh what I would do to have the kind of strength it takes to stand before a giant with just a sling and a stone," I didn't hear the rest of the song because my thoughts were in David's shoes that day as he stood before the giant. I tried to imagine what he was feeling and thinking as he dared to do what no one else had the courage to do. Then, I thought about the 5 stones that David had in his sling. I could see David in the brook gathering 5 stones as he prepared to face the giant. He gathered 5 stones; David only needed one. I thought about our situation and how we were facing our giant, and how we have prepared to face our giant. Should we gather 5 stones to face our giant? What would the 5 stones be? God was speaking to me and giving me the morsel that I had asked for that morning. I believe that God was telling me to prepare to face our giant by gathering 5 stones. I got so excited about this as I drove home; when I got home I shared it with Rex; he felt equally encouraged by it.

I didn't have a clue what our 5 stones were going to be, but I knew that God was going to reveal them to me. I knew that I was going to be seeking and listening for the interpretation of our 5 stones. I didn't know if it was going to be 5 verses, 5 promises, or 5 things to do. A day or so later, I came across something as I was reading that I thought could be our 5 stones; I decided to proceed with it until or unless God showed me something differently. I have also had two other possibilities for our 5 stones that have been revealed to me. It is not without-a-doubt apparent to me what our 5 stones are -- pray that God will clearly show us what our 5 stones are to be.

For over a year, I prayed for specific direction regarding Rex' health. I gave up on that prayer in recent weeks as I adjusted my prayer to asking for God to heal Rex instead of asking what "I" could do to bring healing for Rex. I had to reach the end of myself and realize that it wasn't about me or what I could do or what any man could do. It had to be what God could do because He alone is worthy; He alone can heal Rex' body; He alone deserves the praise and glory in our lives.

When I least expected it, God answered my prayer of so many months and has given us some direction in this battle. I had to get to a point of brokenness and total reliance on Him before He could do so.

I don't know what the future holds for our family. I know that Rex is at his weakest physically than he has ever been. I know that his body is in a fight for his life. I know that God is on the throne and in control; God is not surprised by any of this. I know that I want Rex to live.

Please pray for us to know exactly what our role is in the days ahead. Pray for protection from any evil influence. Pray for God's healing touch on Rex' body. Pray for continued strength for me -- he has blessed me tremendously with energy and strength these last two weeks. Pray for us to gather our 5 stones to face this giant.

Have a blessed day!

Donna Meadows