Wednesday, September 1, 2010

This post is long overdue. I thought I had blogged more recently than I had.

It's been 3 years since Rex has been gone. It's hard to believe that in some ways. I miss Rex and all that he offered to our lives. When you lose someone, you have to choose to remain in pain or choose to continue to live. I know Rex wanted me to continue to live, so I have done that. It means that I have to essentially lay down that pain and purposefully, walk away from it. Still, there are those stabs of pain that will always be there to grip you once again when you are least prepared for it. I suspect that there will always be those times but that they will come fewer and far between as time goes on.

The girls have had a fabulous summer where they have gotten to do lots of fun things that were graciously given to them. It was a total delight to see them enjoy their summer, to see them enjoying life like I hadn't seen since losing their dad. It was significant for them to realize that while life is different, while life is a bit harder on them, they can still enjoy their childhood. I believe that this summer will go down as one of their best memories of childhood. I am very grateful for that.

I have been pretty intense and vigilant in trying to surround my children with an environment and home where they can grieve and ultimately, heal. I have tried to be very observant to behaviour that signals that the healing process is suffering. I have been concerned for each of my girls for different reasons. As I observe how they tend to deal with things, I want to reach for their weaknesses and help them. I have learned a lot about myself through this process as well.

My biggest recent discovery was how much I internalized as I was growing up. Any problem, any hurt, any confusion was internalized; if I couldn't figure it out, then it was left unresolved. Watching Lindsey do the same thing opened my eyes to my own temperament. I also understood that this changed without my intentions when Rex' illness was diagnosed. Suddenly, I wanted prayer more than anything, and it became important to me to verbalize it all. It was this openness that helped me deal with my grief and put me on a path to healing. So, when I started seeing Lindsey keep everything inside, I knew that I needed to work on her being able to talk about her thoughts and feelings. It's a work in progress.

I expect Erin and Amber to revisit their grief at different stages or milestones of life such as becoming a teenager, turning 16, graduation, etc. For the most part, I believe that they have come to accept that God is in control, and He has a plan for them through this, a special plan that God has just for them. They have both had times where they have openly discussed the loss of their dad through speeches that they have given at school. This has been a huge part of their own healing. I know that because this blog has done that for me.

I never really expected Rachael to grieve what she did not know. I knew she would probably have a sadness about having never known her dad, but didn't really expect her to grieve him. I also have thought that she was so young at the time he died, that there was still plenty of time for her to have someone someday to look to as "dad." With that, she has seen many pictures of him and watched videos of him. She recognizes her dad in pictures, and understands as best as she can for her age that he is with Jesus in heaven now. He doesn't live with us anymore, but he wanted to live with us. God had a different plan for daddy.

Early this summer, we had a chance to go to the beach for a few days unexpectedly while Erin was at camp. We were traveling to our destination and about 15 minutes before we arrived at our room, we went by this particular restaurant that has a vivid memory for me. It was a restaurant that we had patronized on one of our beach trips when Lindsey was a baby. As we passed it, I asked Amber if she remembered eating there with daddy. She said yes. I looked in the rearview mirror and saw Lindsey's brow furrowed. I instantly knew that she was trying to think deeply in her memory and recall that occasion. I quickly said to Lindsey that she wouldn't remember that because she was just a baby. Relief flooded Lindsey's face as she was released from a memory she didn't have. At about that time, Rachael spoke up and said, "I want to eat there with daddy." Of course, I was not expecting this at all. I instantly went into thought about that statement thinking that I wish she could eat there with her daddy, but I said nothing. Again, she said, "I want to eat there with daddy." My thoughts were, I know baby, I know. But, still I said nothing. A third time, "I want to eat there with daddy." I knew that I was going to have to respond to her. I was so entrenched in my thoughts of shock that I didn't realize that I had not answered her. All of a sudden, Lindsey spoke up very harshly and said, "You CAN'T go eat there with daddy!" This was not the voice of someone trying to be mean, she was venting her own frustration with that very same thought. As soon as Lindsey said that, Rachael started bawling. She wasn't just crying about Lindsey speaking harshly to her. It was very apparent that she was lamenting that she couldn't eat there with her daddy. She kept saying in between sobs, "I want my daddy. I want my daddy." I told her that I was sorry her daddy wasn't here for her. She wept hard. I felt so bad for her. There wasn't anything I could do except tell her that I was sorry and cry too. She sobbed the rest of the trip to our room. It was a very sobering end to our drive to the beach.

It opened my eyes to the reality that Rachael will grieve her dad too. It will be a different kind of grief, but she will grieve nevertheless. I am not sure what I can do to help her through this. The rest of us can't relate to the pain she will have because we did have him for a time in our lives. All she has is a few pictures of him holding her and the memories that are ours, not hers.

Rachael came to me a couple of weeks ago, and showed me this picture she had decorated with stickers. She had put it up for display on the doorway of her room. She said that she made it for her daddy. I showed excitement for her and told her that it was a great picture. Then, I asked her if she wanted to ask Jesus to show it to daddy since he couldn't be here. She nodded her head. So, we prayed right then for Jesus to take her picture and show it to her daddy and tell him that Rachael made it for him. When we got done, Rachael jumped down and ran off to play. I am hoping that in her little mind that this was a step in the process of her own healing.

Overall, I've seen the girls grow in depth as a result of their loss. We talk frequently about specific memories we have of Rex to keep them alive and close to our hearts. And, as they make new memories, they sometimes struggle with feeling a false sense of guilt for enjoying life. I have to remind them that their dad wants them to live life to the fullest.

Proverbs 19:21 Many are the plans in a man's heart, but it is the LORD's purpose that prevails.

It is easy to look at life and feel sad at the seemingly injustices that life has to offer. We must remember that regardless of our plans, regardless of our wants and desires, God's plan prevails. He created us for a purpose, and within the realm of His purpose is where we find our comfort, our contentment and our confidence to face difficulties and disappointments in life.

Have a blessed day.

Donna

Tuesday, January 5, 2010

I can't believe that Rex has been gone since August 2007. It's hard to believe that we are starting 2010 already. 2009 was a year that really marked my life with some intense personal pruning. I focused on some of those ugly habits or parts of my life that didn't honor God. Selfishness, gluttony, self-control, and lack of discipline are just a few. Having some victory with some of these areas was very satisfying and made me long for more victory in my life. It motivated me to continue tackling these ugly areas, setting goals to carry me on. More than that, it filled me with a happiness I haven't felt in several years. I was definitely looking forward to 2010 to see what God had in store for me and my family.

One thing I have learned is that whenever you are doing great, the evil one is lurking to bring you down. I didn't expect my setback to be in the form of a movie. I decided to watch a particular movie on New Year's Eve and thought I knew what it was about. It didn't seem to be a tear jerker to me from the description. As I watched it, it was a rendering that brought very real emotions to the surface: emotions that I thought that I was immune to now, emotions that I was sure were over and dealt with, the emotions of losing Rex. Had I known, I would have never watched this movie, at least, not on New Year's Eve. I sobbed and felt just as I did days after he left this world.

New Year's Eve is a time when you are saying goodbye to one year and embracing a new year. It's a time when you can close the unwanted and start fresh with the wanted. It's a time when you make resolutions to do even more or be even better than before. So, no, New Year's Eve was not the time to plunge myself in something that was sure to torment me.

These last five days, the first five days of this new year have been quite sorrowful for me. I have sobbed and cried again over the hurt of losing Rex. I know that God does not want this hurt to perpetuate throughout my life. I've already grieved; I accept that God has a plan. I relish how He is molding me to fit His plan. So, it's not that I don't want to move beyond that part of my life. Yet, once in a while, it grips my heart and holds me hostage.

That sorrow spilled over into other areas. The evil one was whispering thoughts of failure and disappointment to me. Memories of offenses and personal failures were brought to the surface. It has been a real shock to me to be going through this. First, I am not a person who lives my life based on my feelings. Secondly, most of these offenses were things that I haven't thought of in a long, long time so it wasn't anything that I was harboring in my heart. Being bombarded with memory after memory was wearing me down. Suddenly, my light-hearted anticipation for a new year was looking bleak to me.

Whenever I feel oppressed, I want to curl up and block out everyone and retreat into myself. Sometimes, I start out that way, but then something will happen to turn things around for me. God will give me a glimpse of Him that will jar me to reality. There are times that it might be something subtle and then sometimes it's pretty outstanding. Either way, I am brought to tears as I am reminded once again that the Father loves me.

Then, I try to immerse myself deeper into God's arms of safety. I surround myself with encouraging music, pray often, read the Bible and anything else that defies evil. I repeat His truth over and over to dispel the lies and lift the cloud around me. It's an amazing thing really to feel that darkness lift from my soul.

I wanted to share the glimpse that God gave me this time to help bring my eyes in focus to truth. I was wallowing in all these negative thoughts about my life and current circumstances. Out of the blue, Rachael, my 2 year old, started singing loud and with much emotion a song that I had never heard her sing, "Jesus Jesus at your feet, Oh, to dwell and never leave; there is no where else for me." It stunned me really. These are lyrics from a Casting Crowns song on their newest CD. The name of the song is At Your Feet:

Here at Your feet, I lay my past down
My wanderings, all my mistakes down
And I am free

Here at Your feet, I lay this day down
Not in my strength, but in Yours I’ve found
All I need, You’re all I need

Jesus, Jesus, at Your feet
Oh, to dwell and never leave
Jesus, Jesus, at Your feet
There is nowhere else for me
There is nowhere else for me

Here at Your feet, I lay my future down
All of my dreams, I give to You now
And I find peace, I find peace

Here at Your feet, I lay my life down
For You my King, You’re all I want now
And my soul sings...

‘Cause I am free (here at Your feet)
All I need (is at Your feet)
I find peace
We’re at Your feet
We’re at Your feet

And I am free (here at Your feet)
All I need (is at Your feet)
I find peace
We’re at Your feet
We’re at Your feet
We’re at Your feet
We’re at Your feet

Here at Your feet
I lay my life down

I would love to say that I was instantly brought out of my despair, but it was my pivotal moment. Another thing I have found helpful when I am struggling is to reveal the truth of my despair to people that will pray for me. I tend to try to "handle" it all on my own. I know these trials and struggles are temporary. Because of that, I usually try to ride the storm and wait for it to run its course. I don't think that is what God wants from us, especially me. When I share, I immediately feel relief start to blanket my heart. God is able to come in and comfort me and give me His wisdom. The evil one tries to tell me that it shows weakness and instability in my life. The truth of it is that it makes me stronger and keeps me from living a life full of pride.

Where does God find you here at the beginning of 2010? Are you living in despair? Are you focused on great things? Lay your life down at His feet and God will shower you with His peace. There is no where else to be.

Exodus 15:2 The Lord is my strength and song, And He has become my salvation; He is my God, and I will praise Him; My father's God, and I will exalt Him.

Friday, October 2, 2009

I Hope You Dance. Rex came to me a few weeks before he died and asked me to listen to this song by Lee Ann Womack. I sat down and listened to it. I wasn't focusing at all on the words of the song. Instead, I was very aware of him looking at me intently throughout the entire song. I remember thinking, "Why is he looking at me so hard; it's an ok song, nothing outrageous." But, you see, I missed his message.

I didn't think another thing about the song for at least a year after Rex died. Then, all of a sudden, I remembered that song and went searching for it in my brain, trying to remember the name of the song and who the artist was. I had this urgency to hear this song again for some reason. I finally remembered what it was from knowing some of the words in the song. Yet, still I missed the message. I was grieving too much to really "hear" it.

Now, here I am two years later, and I got the message. Rex was not having me listen to a song because it was the best song ever; he was telling me his desires for me once he was no longer here. That is WHY he stared at me so passionately while I was listening. Rex wanted me to choose life and dance after he was gone. When I finally understood, I sobbed. I sobbed at the impact of the words; I sobbed at the beauty of his tender care for me; I sobbed at the unselfishness he showed me. I sobbed at my acceptance of his desire for me.

I am so humbled by the many subtle ways he gave me or the girls a piece of his heart to carry with us as we continue to live on without him by our side. It moves me to know that he was a much deeper man than I ever knew or gave him credit for. It shames me that I didn't realize how extremely precious he was while I had him here.

I hope you never lose your sense of wonder
You get your fill to eat
But always keep that hunger
May you never take one single breath for granted
God forbid love ever leave you empty handed
I hope you still feel small
When you stand beside the ocean
Whenever one door closes, I hope one more opens
Promise me you'll give faith a fighting chance

And when you get the choice to sit it out or dance
I hope you dance
I hope you dance

I hope you never fear those mountains in the distance
Never settle for the path of least resistance
Living might mean taking chances
But they're worth taking
Lovin' might be a mistake
But it's worth making
Don't let some hell bent heart
Leave you bitter
When you come close to selling out
Reconsider
Give the heavens above
More than just a passing glance

And when you get the choice to sit it out or dance
I hope you dance
(Time is a real and constant motion always)
I hope you dance
(Rolling us along)
I hope you dance
(Tell me who)
I hope you dance
(Wants to look back on their youth and wonder)
(Where those years have gone)

I hope you still feel small
When you stand by the ocean
Whenever one door closes, I hope one more opens
Promise me you'll give faith a fighting chance

And when you get the choice to sit it out or dance
Dance
I hope you dance
I hope you dance
(Time is a real and constant motion always)
I hope you dance
(Rolling us along)
I hope you dance
(Tell me who)
(Wants to look back on their youth and wonder)
I hope you dance
(Where those years have gone)

(Tell me who)
I hope you dance
(Wants to look back on their youth and wonder)
(Where those years have gone)


Looking back, I don't understand why I didn't recognize what Rex was saying when he had me listening to this song. I remember him wanting me to tell him what I thought, and I recall telling him that I liked the song; at the same time, I could tell that my short and sweet response was disappointing to him. I think back and wonder if he wanted to use that song to talk about our life after his departure from us. And, maybe I missed an opportunity. Yet, how comforting it is to have a sweet moment two years later where he is still speaking to us. To know that I recently had a fresh encounter with what was in Rex' heart is so meaningful to me. Beyond that, Rex' life still holds significance for us.

For the last three years, from Rex' diagnosis of cancer through his death and our grieving, I have wanted more than anything for the pain of these last few years not to be wasted. I wanted them to count. I wanted them to make a huge difference in our lives, as well as, others. If we were going to have to endure this trial and pain, then I wanted to see GREAT things come out of it.

That's not an uncommon desire. The loss of a loved one does those kind of things in your heart. You are looking for a reason to explain the pain. You are looking for something to replace the hurt and loss.

Many passions are born out of illness and death. Some people start foundations or ministries; some people build buildings in their honor; some people make large donations for a cause; some people organize rallies or benefits. Whatever your situation, these things seem to help ease the pain and anguish.

I was really no different. I had BIG dreams. I do not want to live a mediocre life, humming along with no sense of direction or purpose. So, like many others, I started desperately trying to determine what my passion was to be. What great thing do I need to do out of this hurt? Where can I focus my energy and help the world? So many things came to mind that I found myself feeling scattered in all kinds of directions. "God, USE me!" I'm willing, I'm ready.

I wasn't sure if I didn't have specific direction or if I was focusing my energy in the wrong direction because I still did not believe that I was where I needed to be. Then, in August, our church had a "Times of Refreshing" with Tom Elliff. The very first night was a message on the "Inevitable Intruder." It was a great message, but there was one specific part that spoke volumes to me more than any other thing said. Tom was talking about a time in his life when he was praying for the next step in his life and what God would have him do. And, as he lay in a hospital bed thinking about this, he felt God speak to him. As best as I can recall Tom said, "You can serve me, you can worship me, you can praise me, but you can't USE me." It was a slap in the face for me as I suddenly realized that all of this passion in me was directed with the wrong intensity for the wrong motive. In all my efforts to do Great and wonderful things, I was attempting to USE God for my own comfort, for my own fulfillment.

I was broken. God is an Almighty God. He deserves my praise, my worship, my service, but I must not take my pain, my loss, and try to alleviate it in His name. Rather, I must give Him my praise, my worship, my service, my life simply because He is my Creator, my Savior, my God. What I do with my life, I must do because of Him.

I've taken a new breath. I have a grand opportunity to grow as a person and work on those parts of my life that stink. I have come up with my personal definition of success, a definition that includes living deliberately each and every day. My greatest personal desires include having the heart of God by knowing Him intimately and living a deliberate and disciplined life carved in wisdom and character. I have lots of room to grow in both of these areas. And, as I work on these really difficult parts of my life that have been ignored and hardened, I am reminded to not sit it out, but to dance.

Isaiah 43:18-19
18 Do not remember the past events, pay no attention to things of old.
19 Look, I am about to do something new; even now it is coming. Do you not see it? Indeed, I will make a way in the wilderness, rivers in the desert.

I Hope You Dance,

Donna Meadows

Monday, June 22, 2009

A lot has transpired in the past 6 months. Life has been very busy and tiring with a toddler. Beyond that, I have gone through some more "refining" in my life. In the past almost 2 years now, I have accepted my widowhood, but I have never been content or happy with it. While I wasn't openly angry about it, nor did I "feel" angry, I manifested my anger by not giving in to the change in our family.

For starters, all the things that Rex did, I refused to do for at least 6 months. I didn't care that they didn't get done; it wasn't my job, and I wasn't doing them. Then, finally, I couldn't ignore it any longer; I wanted some of these things done, but I still was unwilling to do them myself. So, I recruited family members to do them for me. For a while, I also paid for outside help with these things. Then, again, I expected family to help me get them done. "After all, I had enough on my plate to do. I couldn't be expected to do everything. That's why God made husband and wife because the jobs were shared." Whether I admitted it or not, this was definitely my thinking.

My dad is still living and so when Rex died, I transferred some of my needs for security and protection back to him just like I did before I was married. For my dad, he didn't mind because he gets great fulfillment in being needed. So, we were peachy; I needed him and he liked being needed. I think in my mind, I thought that this was a temporary thing because I would eventually maybe re-marry, and then I would have someone to give me that security, stability, and protection. The girls would have a father figure in the home to look up to again. Without a doubt, my dad had become my crutch in transition. My prayer had even become, "Lord, please allow me to be re-married before you take my daddy." I couldn't bear the thought of losing him and being left alone.

God has a way of taking these crutches and kind of kicking them out from under us because He is a jealous God. He wants our dependence to be on Him. Exodus 34:14 For thou shalt worship no other god: for the Lord, whose name is Jealous, is a jealous God.

On May 16th, my dad quickly developed severe stomach pain and vomiting. He went to the emergency room. After tests, he learned that he had a bowel blockage. There was no warning signs that led up to this. I had seen him less than 12 hours earlier the night before, and he was fine. He slept fine. That morning, it all began after his morning coffee.

To say the least, my apple cart had been turned over. My grandmother on my father's side had gone through the same symptoms. When they performed surgery on her, she was eaten up with cancer in her intestines. She died a week later. Naturally, I was concerned that history was repeating with my dad.

I felt totally helpless with this new turn of events. What would I do? I had already been devastated with losing Rex. Being surrounded with people who loved me, particularly my dad, made it easier for me to bear.

After 3 days of lying in the hospital bed, the blockage had gotten worse. Surgery was going to have to be done. The surgeon removed about 2 feet of his intestines and sent pieces off to pathology, but he didn't feel that there was any cancer. It was an old fashioned surgery so he has a scar about 18 inches long. This invasive surgery also meant that the healing was going to be slower and longer.

I was very thankful that the pathology came back clean and that we were looking at recovery of abdominal surgery instead of embarking on a battle of cancer. At the same time, I realized more than ever that I didn't need to depend on him as much as I always had. I was going to have to make some changes in my life.

There have been times here and there over the past year when I would ask for instructions or directions on completing tasks that I had never done, and my dad's response was that he would take care of it. He was trying to take care of his daughter not trying to make her dependent. Through his surgery, he realized that he was getting older and that he needed to help me be more independent with things around the house. Quite frankly, he came face to face with his aging and mortality.

I don't like feeling helpless, but I also had not dealt with this silent anger of being left to manage everything that goes with a household and parenting. To put it bluntly, I had RIGHTS, and I shouldn't have to do it all by myself.

With my dad's surgery and weakened body, he wasn't going to be able to do most of the things he was accustomed to doing. I had not lost my dad, but I did lose my crutch. I was being forced to deal with my anger and rebellious heart.

This silent anger started raging inside of me and started to emerge. I was in the midst of softball season with 3 daughters playing on three different teams. I couldn't manage it by myself. My dad had been my primary help. We've been blessed with rain this season, which means more yard work. My dad had been doing that for me. I had mowed before, but I had never touched a weed eater. The garden was starting to grow. My dad and I shared the work, and he usually did much more than me. If something heavy needed to be lifted or moved, he was the brawn for it. Any time I needed something fixed, he was the fix-it guy. He has always fixed almost everything that ever broke for my entire life. He couldn't physically do that now. Now, all of a sudden, the central vacuum motor flew to pieces; the 35 year old dishwasher was majorly leaking and needs to be replaced. My lawnmower which I hadn't needed before wouldn't crank. Rex' truck won't crank. The home projects we had planned couldn't be done as scheduled.

With my anger emerging, I started venting, pouting, sulking, and having a pity party for myself. More than anything, I realized that Rex and my dad are/were true gentlemen to me. I expected there to be people to offer help without me asking for every little thing. I expected to be able to present a need and for someone to see that it was done without begging.

I began to try to take control and fend for myself out of anger. I gave several family members an ear full for not helping when I wanted or needed. I didn't want to manage it all by myself. I couldn't manage it all. Why couldn't they help me? If their yard needed mowing, couldn't they see that mine did too?

The final straw came last week with an incident that happened where I felt that I had been wronged. I was really angry about it. I tried to let it go, and I couldn't. I tried to confront it, and the conversation went in circles with no resolve. I tried to forget it, and I laid awake at night. I tried to force myself to let it go as one of those unfixable things, and I stayed angry. Honestly, this incident was not anything major; why did it affect me so sorely?

Then, I began to try to figure out what had bothered me so much about it. What was my anger rooted in? Why did I take such offense? I had no answers. I wanted to get to the bottom of it. I wanted a clear conscience. I would pick it up and think about it and then because I didn't have answers, I would again try to forget it.

This last Saturday, as I was studying for my Sunday School lesson, God gave me some answers. It had absolutely nothing to do with the lesson. I believe that God sometimes reveals truth in matters on our heart when we are seeking Him, even if it has nothing to do with what we are studying.

The reason I was so angry about this incident was ingrained in what I deemed as MY RIGHTS. For almost 2 years, I had been allowing this silent anger to reside in my heart because I had RIGHTS. I refused to do the things that Rex once did because it was my right to not have to do them. The reason I didn't ask for help is because I shouldn't have to. We should be able to live just like before because I didn't ask to be a widow; my kids didn't ask to be fatherless. We shouldn't have to change our ways to accomodate the change in our family. If my kids want to play ball, then they should get to play. Being a single parent shouldn't stand in the way. RIGHTS, RIGHTS, RIGHTS!!!

I have known for some time that anger is burrowed in claiming rights which is indicative of an ungrateful heart and a lack of contentment. I deserve this; I should have that. I shouldn't have to endure this. In the past year, I have tried to search my heart for rights that I had claimed; I even confessed in prayer that I wanted to give up my rights to the life that I thought I needed and wanted, but I still didn't see specific rights that I had claimed. It tooks my dad's hospitalization and surgery to bring this wound out in the open for me to see it clearly and deal with it. 1 Thessalonians 5:18 In everything give thanks; for this is the will of God in Christ Jesus for you.

Once I was able to identify the specifics, I was able to pointedly confess my sin, my selfishness, my ungratefulness and thank God for where He has put me in this time in my life.

Now, and only now, can I fulfill my responsibilities, balance my expectations, live with contentment, and recognize my privileges. If I truly believe that my life is not my own, if I genuinely think that my purpose in this life is to worship God and God alone, then I must be thankful for the suffering and pain, as well as, the blessing.

II Corinthians 1:5-7 5 You can be sure that the more we suffer for Christ, the more God will shower us with his comfort through Christ. 6 So when we are weighed down with troubles, it is for your benefit and salvation! For when God comforts us, it is so that we, in turn, can be an encouragement to you. Then you can patiently endure the same things we suffer. 7 We are confident that as you share in suffering, you will also share God's comfort.

God is good all the time.

Donna Meadows

Sunday, January 25, 2009

I’M ALIVE! I AM ALIVE! I AM ALIVE! I AM ALIVE! Yes, I can breathe again. I can enjoy living in this life. In recent days, my mourning has turned to rejoicing.

In the midst of my lamenting, I wanted to die. I wanted Jesus to take me and the girls, too, not just Rex. Take us; I don’t want to be here anymore. This life is full of disappointments, hurts, and pain. Who needs it? Who wants it? There’s sin lurking all around us that does nothing but put us in bondage to evil. I couldn’t see anything worth being here for. What happiness I’ve had here didn’t last. I was created to worship God, and I wanted to do it in Heaven, not here. I remember several times groaning to God to take me, and asking Him to please take all of us because I couldn't bear the thought of my children being left without a parent. It was certainly the groanings of a woman in mourning: a woman mourning her loss, a woman mourning her children’s loss, a woman mourning a death to a dream, a woman mourning a change of her plans, a woman mourning her state of confusion, a woman mourning her lack of control in life.

I purposed in my heart several things after Rex died. I purposed that I would not change any of our activities or traditions for at least a year. I purposed that I would not date or have any date type relationships for a year. I purposed that I would deliberately talk about Rex often, and I would do this without crying, for the girls’ sake. I purposed that I would not let my kids feel as if they had lost two parents – one to death and one to incapacitation from depression/sadness. I purposed that I would face my hurt by acknowledging it, talking about it, and thus allowing it to heal. I purposed that my life was totally in God’s Hands, and I surrendered my life to His plan. I purposed to trust God’s sovereignty even though I didn’t understand.

You see, I finally see a silver lining in mourning. For, it was in the mourning that I felt God’s special grace and love as never before. It was in my darkness that I KNEW that God had not forsaken me or forgotten me. It was in my loss, that I realized what is truly important in my life. It was in my solitude that I could be ME and open my heart completely to God’s caring hands. It was in my despair that I could sense His loving presence holding me, caring for me, listening to me, and meeting me in my time of need. Unless you experience a great loss, you will never understand His AMAZING LOVE in this way.

And, if I were you, I would also exclaim that I would NOT want to go through this pain just to experience this level of God’s love. The pain is severe, but His gentle hands are indescribable. The closest thing I can think of to this feeling is that of a mother’s love caring for her children when they are sick. I grew up with a great mother who was a servant in every way; as I was growing up, I saw it best whenever I was sick. She would care for me quietly; she would touch me tenderly; she would feed me foods that would help me to recover. She would clean my wounds and cover them with bandages; she would stay by my bed if she felt I needed it; she would make sure I had any medicine that I needed. She would be there for my every need whether I needed her around the clock or just intermittently. I could rest because I knew that mom was there. Each time, there would come a point in time when the recovery was almost complete; I didn’t need my mom’s care, but I didn’t want to let go of this pampering. It was nice. I kinda liked being waited on this way. But, inevitably, mom knew that it was time to withdraw that care and allow me to get up and do for myself. Did she forget me? Did she quit caring about me? Did she stop loving me? No, none of these things were true. Her caretaker role had shifted; I didn’t need her the same way I did when I was sick. It made me want to stay sick. Well, not really, but I wanted the perks to being sick.

I remember one time when I was a freshman in college in Virginia, I got bed-ridden sick. I was really sick for several days. She drove to Virginia, got a hotel room, took me there with her and cared for me around the clock for what seemed like a week. I will never forget that because in my opinion, it was a mom’s truly selfless act of love for her daughter. Could I have managed without her? Sure. Did I whine and ask her to come? No, I was totally surprised that she did that. I relayed my illness to her and next thing I know, she was picking me up at my dorm. Did she lavish me with this type of attention every time I was ill? Not really, but if I needed her, she was definitely there.

For the past year and a half, I have been sick with mourning, and God has cared for me around the clock. He has brought people in my life to care for me. He gave many of you a burden to feed us, clothe us, clean our house, pray for us, befriend us, and listen to us. He was there for me in the wilderness at night crying out for comfort. He listened as I uttered all of my thoughts about this injustice and then covered me in peace as I fell asleep exhausted from the sobs. He awakened me each day with a sense of hope and promise. He gave me a voice and an outlet for my pain through writing. I felt more than ever that God was living through me, and I was simply a weak but willing puppet of His. In the midst of losing Rex, I liked this pampering, so to speak. I like being cared for, watched over, and loved on. I loved the feel of God’s grace; it’s so nice and soft and warm and cozy.

A few months back, I came to a point where I knew that it was time to shed my clothes of mourning and get back to life. At first, I embraced this in my mind, but then as I started to realize that things were going to change, I resisted. Just like when my mom would withdraw her constant care for me and allow me to carry on with my life, God started letting me resume my role in this life. But, that meant that I didn’t need God’s grace the same way to get through each day. When that happened, I decided that I didn’t want to get better. I liked the care that I had been receiving. Without understanding it, I had a temper tantrum. “Don’t leave me God? Where are you? Why aren’t you staying with me ALL the time? Please, I’m not completely better. I still cry and have sadness in my heart. I want to stay in mourning. Well, not really, but I want to keep receiving
God's abundant grace that I have been receiving through all of this.”

Has God left me? Does He not love me now? No. His role for my needs has shifted. He is exactly what we need when we need it. When this first started happening, I got scared. I was scared that I was losing Him when, in fact, He was telling me, “It’s time to get up and rejoin the living.” I was unsure of how I was to continue?

I was struggling with claiming a verse for 2009; after all, I didn't have a clue what lay ahead in 2009. I never thought for a minute that I would be wearing these shoes a few years ago.

I thought I had lost my voice in my writing. As I contemplated updating my blog, I couldn’t think of anything to say. I tried to force my writing, and it was all wrong. Was I ever going to post again? Does this mean I won’t ever write a book? Have I waited too long? What am I supposed to do now? I don’t want to drift through life living a mediocre life. I want this life of mine to have meaning, real life-changing meaning for God.

I recognized that as I was questioning this change, I had also begun to live again. I had reclaimed a humor to life that I hadn’t shown or felt in several years. Does living mean I don’t need God anymore? A part of me felt that I had traded my total dependence on God for a part dependence on God and part self-sufficiency. Was I turning my back on God? What in the world is going on with me? Had I disobeyed Him anywhere recently? All of these questions clouded my mind. I wanted answers because I didn't like what this was beginning to look like.

There is a danger in living again. The world has appeal again. Sin is very pleasurable and enticing. Selfishness emerges, and we think it will make us happy, when it really enslaves us and leaves us miserable and alone in the end. While I was grieving, I was safe from the lust of this world. Now that I am no longer carrying my anguish, I can see pleasure and happiness within reach again. This is a dangerous place to be. I must guard my heart and mind lest I fall. I had a dream the other night that showed me this very clearly. The nature of it haunted me throughout the day and into the next evening. I had thought I was dead to worldliness and selfishness. Through this dream, I realized that I am very vulnerable to these feelings. My emotions, my desires, my wants did not die with Rex. They were in a state of shock, and now they have recovered.

I sat down tonight to study my Sunday School lesson, and I felt God’s amazing presence again as I studied; I felt him showing me truth and guiding me in what to share to these young girls I have been given to teach. It was like I sat down with someone I hadn't talked to in a while and spent time together over coffee and just talked. It was nice, and I had a good time discovering God. And, just like when I do have those precious times with close friends or family, I didn’t want it to end. I stayed up late thinking about my pleasant time. I tried to go to bed, but I couldn’t quit thinking. I could still feel God’s presence with me, and I knew it was time to write. God hadn’t taken my voice away. As I sat down to start writing, He gave me an understanding of these past few months, and He gave me the words to share with you.

He also gave me my verse for 2009.

Isaiah 43:18-19
18 Do not remember the past events, pay no attention to things of old.
19 Look, I am about to do something new; even now it is coming. Do you not see it? Indeed, I will make a way in the wilderness, rivers in the desert.

I bear the scar of a wounded heart, but I must look ahead at the path before me if I am to forge ahead.

Donna Meadows

Friday, November 14, 2008

Erin, Amber,
Lindsey, Rachael Meadows
taken on August 10, 2008






There have been several things that I have thought about sharing in a blog post. I am behind, and I felt the need to backtrack. So, I thought I would go back and talk about the 1 yr anniversary of Rex' death on August 10, 2008.

We planned a trip to the beach to commemorate the anniversary time. As we planned our trip, I thought about what I could do to honor him on that day. Rex loved to go to the beach. His favorite thing to do at the beach was to get up and watch the sunrise and read his Bible. It was very peaceful and fulfilling for Rex.

With that in mind, we decided that we would get up and watch the sunrise in honor of Rex. That morning came, and we set out to the beach early in the morning. We found a place on the beach and sat in silence watching the sunrise. It was so peaceful, just the sound of the ocean and the sight of the sun rising on the horizon.

Afterwards, we sat and talked a little. I asked the girls to share something that they missed about their dad. Each of them, shared from their heart something that came to mind. Then, I prayed and thanked God for His faithfulness and for His care for us.

Throughout this process, we really hadn't noticed anything unusual. I had to wake up all of the girls for this venture; we were all pretty quiet, and Rachael was subdued through the whole thing.

After our time together, the girls quietly and without words went and wrote notes in the sand to their dad. They each found a stick and wrote in the sand. It was at this time that I noticed Rachael writing in the sand too, but she had something else in her hand. I went to see what it was. It was not a stick, rather it was a TOOTHBRUSH. What???? How in the world did she manage to get Lindsey's toothbrush out of our room without anyone noticing at all? That is exactly what happened. She managed to grab Lindsey's toothbrush off of the bathroom counter and held it while we traipsed to the beach, while we sat on the beach watching the sunrise, while we sat and talked about Rex. All the while, no one even noticed that she had it.

It didn't dawn on me for at least a week and really didn't hit me until someone mentioned it. The "toothbrush" had emerged again. Rex had removed his toothbrush before he died to spare me a moment of grief. And, here on this very day, exactly one year after he had left this world, his youngest daughter is writing in the sand with none other than a toothbrush! A little detail, so subtle, yet profound in meaning.

You can barely
see Rachael
holding the
toothbrush in
this picture.







Do you believe that God cares about the little details or our lives? Why do we always look for the BIG things that God does for us? It is the little things that mean so much to me. For, it is in the little things that I feel God's love for me. It is in the everyday blessings that I see God's faithfulness to me.

How do you show love for others? Do you do it when it's expected -- Valentine's Day, birthdays, anniversaries, Christmas? Or, do you purpose in your heart to show love with the little things in everyday things?

Through God's example, I know it is the little things that make all the difference in the world. Unlike God, there are many times that I blow it with my kids, with my family and with my friends. I think at one time, I would try to compensate my failures with them by doing things for them or buying something for them. Then, one day I thought about it; I thought about the many ways we fail, and how we respond to our failures: the angry outburst followed by a loving, affectionate touch, the unfaithfulness followed by flowers, the selfishness followed by a surprise, the meanness followed by a promise. Isn't that what we do? We blow it, and then we try to make up for it with a kind word, deed, gift or touch.

Does it really make up for the unrighteousness that we unleashed on another? Well, I think it is better than not acknowledging it at all. Certainly, the best approach would include an apology and acknowledgement of our failure. Does guilt drive our acts of kindness or does love?

Because of this, I have tried to transition how I respond to my failures and hopefully minimize future defeats. Right now, I am primarily speaking of my failures with my children because that is where I see my inadequacies the most. When I fail, I go to them and acknowledge what I have done wrong and ask for their forgiveness. Then, I usually sit with them and talk with them, sometimes about my weaknesses, sometimes about trivial things, sometimes about what I want my testimony to be and how I fall short, sometimes about the good that I see in them. In any case, we usually talk and pray.

I try to save the little things, those kind deeds, those thoughtful gifts, those hugs, and praises for the every day times. I don't want my loved ones to associate my kindness and generosity solely with a response to my sin because they will never see that as an act of love.

It is so easy to get caught up in the daily demands that I never do anything more than what is required of me. It is in these times that I feel like such a martyr and turn to pity parties for myself. When I unexpectedly put a note of love in a lunchbox, or do my kids' chores for them while they are at school, or leave a mint on their pillow, or sit down and play a game with them when I have so much to do, this is when they know that I LOVE THEM. They know that I love them by the little acts of love. It is these acts of love that allow us to open the hearts of our loved ones to the things of God. It is our acts of love that give us the confidence to share Christ to those closest to us.

1 John 3:18-24
18 My little children, let us not love in word or in tongue, but in deed and in truth.
19 And by this we know that we are of the truth, and shall assure our hearts before Him.
20 For if our heart condemns us, God is greater than our heart, and knows all things.
21 Beloved, if our heart does not condemn us, we have confidence toward God.
22 And whatever we ask we receive from Him, because we keep His commandments and do those things that are pleasing in His sight.
23 And this is His commandment: that we should believe on the name of His Son Jesus Christ and love one another, as He gave us commandment.
24 Now he who keeps His commandments abides in Him, and He in him. And by this we know that He abides in us, by the Spirit whom He has given us.

I am far from a hero of the Christian faith. I am hard-won; I am rigid in my discipline of character; I am often unrelenting in my expectations. I am selfish in my heart. I am not patient when my back is against the wall. I lose my cool when I am stressed or hormonal. And, when each of these ugly traits are unleashed on my loved ones, I know that I fall short of righteousness. How will they ever know that I love them and want to listen to me? More importantly, how will they know that God loves them and cares for them? My everyday actions of love will cover my periodic fiascos. I can still teach them the goodness of God, the salvation of Christ, and the call to righteousness while I am imperfect and flawed.

Isn't God good? He can take a sinner like me and use me for His glory. And, He can use you? Will you let Him? Do something today out of the ordinary for someone you love just because you love them. Mark them with your love today.

Have a blessed day,

Donna

Sunday, August 25, 2008

I have never been fond of the sport of boxing. Growing up between 2 brothers required me to participate in some of their boy activities if I wanted to be included. One of those activities was boxing. We would lay out a blanket for our boxing ring, don some toy boxing gloves, and have a match. I never was very good at it. I could never get the upperhand, and once the punching started, I really became a punching bag instead of a boxer. Needless to say, within minutes, I was tired of the game and ready to quit. As I grew, I have often looked at the sport with indifference; what is really fun and recreational about clobbering another person?

Then, there was Rex. He, on the other hand, liked the boxing fight. In particular, Rex always liked the Rocky movies. I had seen them, but I wasn't particularly endeared to them like he was. Rex talked to me several times about his fanatics with Rocky during his teenage years. Rex liked the underdog presence. He liked the strenuous preparation for the fight; he liked the "never give up" and "never stop believing" mentality in the fight.

In these last couple of years, I have felt like I have been in a spiritual boxing match with the evil of this world. When I serve the Lord or spend time with Him or minister to someone, I have given a good hard punch to evil. Soon after, there is a punch back. Do I dodge it? Does it stun me for a minute? Does it knock the breath out of me? Does it make me take a step back? Does it knock me down?

In 2 1/2 years of blogging our journey, I have watched a boxing match being played out. After every blog update that I have done, there has been some sort of test/trial/punch soon after. My blog post was my punch into darkness. And, then the return punch comes, and it usually lines up directly with something in my blog post. Sometimes, I have gotten discouraged and thought I was wasting my time. Who am I to write these words? Sometimes, I have cried tears thinking I couldn't bear anymore. Sometimes, I have felt so weary and wanted to quit. Sometimes, I have had to evaluate whether I really meant what I said. Am I really walking my talk? Sometimes, I have had a pity party for myself. And, sometimes, I have simply gotten mad at evil and declared that I was going to stand strong.

Whether I was knocked back a step or completely knocked down, God has always been in the corner coaching me, encouraging me and giving me strength to stay in the ring.

There have been times when I have been punched, and I have thought that wasn't so bad, and then there have been times, when I have been completely knocked down and didn't want to get up; I didn't think I could get up. In these moments, I find myself where Rocky Balboa is in the movie. He has fought long and hard, and he is seemingly down for the count. But, then he remembers why he is fighting; he knows that he is going to fight to the end. He is not giving up. And, with the crowd cheering, he manages to pull himself up to continue the fight to win.

After my last post, I took a hard punch. It knocked the breath out of me and quite frankly, knocked me down. In that post, I talked about letting go of the peripheals of my life and focusing on seeking God. Just like you, one of the peripheals of my life is money; I want to make wise decisions, and I have great dreams for God. In the last couple of months, I made a decision to take a great risk financially. I spent a great deal of time seeking God's guidance on it. It was out of my comfort zone because I am not a risk taker. The more I fought the decision, the more I felt God's leading, and so I finally made the decision to take the risk. A few weeks passed, and I posted my July blog entry. Just a week after my update, I was faced with the very real possibility that I had risked and lost. It hit me hard and threw me by surprise. I questioned whether I meant what I said. Did I really let go of the peripheals of my life? I questioned whether I knew God's voice. Did I really hear Him clearly guide me in this direction?

While I was lying there in the ring wondering if I wanted to get up again, I heard Him speak. Above all the noise around me, I heard God say to me, I am here; I am here to gird you for the battle. Take refuge in me. I will arm you with strength and make your way perfect.

He spoke to me through my quiet time in 2 Samuel.

2 Samuel 22 19 They confronted me in the day of my disaster, but the Lord was my support. 20 He brought me out into a spacious place; he rescued me because he delighted in me. 21 "The Lord has dealt with me according to my righteousness; according to the cleanness of my hands he has rewarded me. 22 For I have kept the ways of the Lord; I have not done evil by turning from my God. 23 All his laws are before me; I have not turned away from his decrees. 24 I have been blameless before him and have kept myself from sin. 25 The Lord has rewarded me according to my righteousness, according to my cleanness in his sight. 26 "To the faithful you show yourself faithful, to the blameless you show yourself blameless, 27 to the pure you show yourself pure, but to the crooked you show yourself shrewd. 28 You save the humble, but your eyes are on the haughty to bring them low. 29 You are my lamp, O Lord; the Lord turns my darkness into light. 30 With your help I can advance against a troop; with my God I can scale a wall. 31 "As for God, his way is perfect; the word of the Lord is flawless. He is a shield for all who take refuge in him. 32 For who is God besides the Lord? And who is the Rock except our God? 33 It is God who arms me with strength and makes my way perfect. 34 He makes my feet like the feet of a deer; he enables me to stand on the heights. 35 He trains my hands for battle; my arms can bend a bow of bronze. 36 You give me your shield of victory; you stoop down to make me great. 37 You broaden the path beneath me, so that my ankles do not turn. 38 "I pursued my enemies and crushed them; I did not turn back till they were destroyed. 39 I crushed them completely, and they could not rise; they fell beneath my feet. 40 You armed me with strength for battle; you made my adversaries bow at my feet. 41 You made my enemies turn their backs in flight, and I destroyed my foes. 42 They cried for help, but there was no one to save them-- to the Lord, but he did not answer. 43 I beat them as fine as the dust of the earth; I pounded and trampled them like mud in the streets

The greatest thing about this battle is that I know who wins. As long as I keep getting up and stay in the ring, I will not be defeated. And, so I get up time after time and keep going.

Where are you in your match? Are you armed with strength or are you knocked down? Take refuge in Him and let God be your shield. He will arm you with strength and make your way perfect. Get up and stay in the ring.

I still don't know whether I risked and lost with my recent decision; I do know that I am standing firm in the ring, and I will continue to fight for the cause of Christ.

Please continue to pray because the strength and power that I have is not my own; it is clearly the power of the Holy Spirit through prayer.

To God be all the glory,

Donna

Wednesday, July 23, 2008

We are quickly coming up on the 1 year anniversary of Rex' death on August 10th. This past year has been a blur, a long process, and a blink of an eye all mixed together and baked at 400 degrees.

June and July have by far been the hardest. I find myself re-living his last two months with us. We were married for 12 years, yet the last 2 months are the ones I think about when I think about Rex. They were such intense months that it overshadows all my other memories. I am sure that there will come a day when the good times will come back to my mind quicker, and I will be able to remember Rex pre-cancer.

The girls and I have adjusted to our current family physiognomy. The girls don't say a whole lot about Rex to me these days unless I bring it up. Out of all the milestones that we have had to go through on our first year, I was most concerned about Father's Day, and it was simply because I hurt for my girls.

I didn't think to try to get us out of our regular element for that day; as it turns out, I ended up taking a business trip that had us out of town on Father's Day. I am very grateful for God covering our needs and wants throughout this past year even when I didn't know what they were at the time. Not only has He covered our milestones, he has indeed given me something to focus on in the last couple of months that motivates me daily and gives me something to smile about as I see God unfolding how He is going to accomplish some dreams He has given me.

I am constantly amazed at the truth that I discover each day about the Holy God that created me. When I think about God, I am in awe that He loves me.

A big area of growth in my life the last several weeks has to do with letting go of the peripherals of my life, those seemingly important things that affect our lives. I have spent a great deal of time focusing on the details and plans in my life instead of focusing on Jesus. The details I was focusing on aren't bad things, but it certainly wasn't the BEST thing.

Matthew 6:25-34

25 Therefore I say unto you, Take no thought for your life, what ye shall eat, or what ye shall drink; nor yet for your body, what ye shall put on. Is not the life more than meat, and the body than raiment? 26 Behold the fowls of the air: for they sow not, neither do they reap, nor gather into barns; yet your heavenly Father feedeth them. Are ye not much better than they? 27 Which of you by taking thought can add one cubit unto his stature? 28 And why take ye thought for raiment? Consider the lilies of the field, how they grow; they toil not, neither do they spin: 29 And yet I say unto you, That even Solomon in all his glory was not arrayed like one of these. 30 Wherefore, if God so clothe the grass of the field, which to day is, and to morrow is cast into the oven, shall he not much more clothe you, O ye of little faith? 31 Therefore take no thought, saying, What shall we eat? or, What shall we drink? or, Wherewithal shall we be clothed? 32 (For after all these things do the Gentiles seek:) for your heavenly Father knoweth that ye have need of all these things. 33 But seek ye first the kingdom of God, and his righteousness; and all these things shall be added unto you. 34 Take therefore no thought for the morrow: for the morrow shall take thought for the things of itself. Sufficient unto the day is the evil thereof.

I always looked at this passage as a passage of scripture that was to minister to the "worrier." Worrying has never been a personal weakness of mine. I have the mentality that worrying is not going to do a bit of good, so don't worry. However, as a widow, I found myself suddenly "being in charge," and I didn't want to mess up.

I found myself fretting many times over God's perfect plan for my life and making sure that I know His will for my life. I have many times sought God earnestly asking Him to reveal His will to me and guide my footsteps. I finally realized one day that instead of always seeking His will, I need to seek God Himself.

Deuteronomy 4:29 But if from thence thou shalt seek the Lord thy God, thou shalt find Him, if thou seek Him with all thy heart and with all thy soul.

If I seek God, if I seek to know God Himself, then I will find Him and when I find Him, I will know His will for my life. I was totally liberated when I realized this. I was released from all of the heavy burdens of making decisions and knowing exactly what I should do about this situation and that opportunity. I was released from wondering how God was going to be a Father to my children. I was released from the intense pressure that I am the only remaining parent. I was released from thinking that I had to do this or do that in order for my family to survive.

All I have to do is SEEK HIM, and all the rest will be added unto me. His plan, His will, His protection, His provision -- it will all be added to me. I don't have to spend my efforts seeking His plan, His will, His protection and provision; I need to seek God.

What happens when we seek God? Draw near to God and He will draw near to you. James 4:8

If He is near, then I am protected, provided for and guided. What a relief!!!

Let me go a step further. There is a reason that I came to this understanding. I went back to my post where I talked about my theme verse for 2008.

http://donnameadows.blogspot.com/2008_02_01_archive.html

Phil 3:10 [For my determined purpose is] that I may know Him [that I may progressively become more deeply and intimately acquainted with Him, perceiving and recognizing and understanding the wonders of His Person more strongly and more clearly], and that I may in that same way come to know the power outflowing from His resurrection [which it exerts over believers], and that I may so share His sufferings as to be continually transformed [in spirit into His likeness even] to His death, [in the hope]

Here I believed that this was my verse for 2008, but I had no idea exactly how God was going to use this in my life. He has taken this verse, and He has developed in me the desire to seek Him. He has done this by releasing me from what I thought I was supposed to do - seek His will. His plan for my life will be revealed and laid before me without my agonizing over it, if only I pursue Him.

My whole perspective has changed on how I approach my quiet time. I used to tackle my Bible reading with a mindset that I was going to be spoken to or given more insight and understanding. I thought that I was going to learn how to be a better Christian. Is this wrong? No, because all of these things will happen.

I found a better approach. Now, I can sit and read His Word and say, "Lord show me YOU; show me who you are; show me your passions; tell me your desires; let me see your heartbeat; give me that heartbeat. Lord, demonstrate your power, your righteousness to me. Let me understand what your holiness means. I want to know everything about You. Don't let me miss a thing." This approach has caused the words of scripture to come alive and fill my heart with a passion to see God and know God. Once you have this passion, everything else becomes so secondary that it almost seems trivial.

Is God's plan important? Absolutely. But, when you compare it to knowing Jesus, you realize that all of the peripheral parts of our lives fall into place without our efforts if we pursue knowing Him.

What is it about Jesus that you love? You answer to this can reveal to yourself alot about the condition of your heart. It cuts through the surface.

Think about it and seek to know Jesus today.

God bless,

Donna Meadows

Monday, May 26, 2008

I love this picture of Rex. This is a picture of him taken on his last outing with us, July 15, 2007. We got to spend an afternoon on a pontoon boat with Rex' brother and family. It was one of those days toward the end of my pregnancy when I didn't want to do anything because everything was hard. Boy, am I glad that I didn't let my weariness keep us from doing this.

It has been over nine months, and our daily life has adjusted. We still struggle with having some routines in place, particularly our bed time routine; bed time was very much Rex' forte. It is still hit and miss for me.

John 16-17 spoke to me in a fresh way recently. This is a passage of scripture where Jesus is talking about his death and resurrection. He is speaking of the grief and sorrow that will come. I know that grief and sorrow that He speaks of. He talks about the necessity of his death and the life that comes after.

John 16 7 Nevertheless I tell you the truth. It is to your advantage that I go away; for if I do not go away, the Helper will not come to you; but if I depart, I will send Him to you. 8 And when He has come, He will convict the world of sin, and of righteousness, and of judgment: 9 of sin, because they do not believe in Me; 10 of righteousness, because I go to My Father and you see Me no more; 11 of judgment, because the ruler of this world is judged. 12 I still have many things to say to you, but you cannot bear them now. 13 However, when He, the Spirit of truth, has come, He will guide you into all truth; for He will not speak on His own authority, but whatever He hears He will speak; and He will tell you things to come. 14 He will glorify Me, for He will take of what is Mine and declare it to you. 15 All things that the Father has are Mine. Therefore I said that He will take of Mine and declare it to you. 16 "A little while, and you will not see Me; and again a little while, and you will see Me, because I go to the Father." 17 Then some of His disciples said among themselves, "What is this that He says to us, 'A little while, and you will not see Me; and again a little while, and you will see Me'; and, 'because I go to the Father'?" 18 They said therefore, "What is this that He says, 'A little while'? We do not know what He is saying." 19 Now Jesus knew that they desired to ask Him, and He said to them, "Are you inquiring among yourselves about what I said, 'A little while, and you will not see Me; and again a little while, and you will see Me'? 20 Most assuredly, I say to you that you will weep and lament, but the world will rejoice; and you will be sorrowful, but your sorrow will be turned into joy. 21 A woman, when she is in labor, has sorrow because her hour has come; but as soon as she has given birth to the child, she no longer remembers the anguish, for joy that a human being has been born into the world. 22 Therefore you now have sorrow; but I will see you again and your heart will rejoice, and your joy no one will take from you.

This passage spoke to me in a duel way. I know that Jesus is talking to the disciples about his death being necessary and that they will not understand it at first, but then, their hearts will rejoice because they will have a joy that can't be taken. This passage spoke to me personally because I now know what it means for sorrow to fill my heart and what it means to "weep and lament." I don't understand my anguish and why I am going through this, but I know that God is going to use it for good.

In John 17, the time has come. Jesus has walked this earth and done what was needed, and now the time has come to finish it. Talk about a purpose of life. This was Jesus' purpose:

1 Jesus spoke these words, lifted up His eyes to heaven, and said: "Father, the hour has come. Glorify Your Son, that Your Son also may glorify You, 2 as You have given Him authority over all flesh, that He should give eternal life to as many as You have given Him. 3 And this is eternal life, that they may know You, the only true God, and Jesus Christ whom You have sent. 4 I have glorified You on the earth. I have finished the work which You have given Me to do. 5 And now, O Father, glorify Me together with Yourself, with the glory which I had with You before the world was.
6 "I have manifested Your name to the men whom You have given Me out of the world. They were Yours, You gave them to Me, and they have kept Your word. 7 Now they have known that all things which You have given Me are from You. 8 For I have given to them the words which You have given Me; and they have received them, and have known surely that I came forth from You; and they have believed that You sent Me. 9 I pray for them. I do not pray for the world but for those whom You have given Me, for they are Yours. 10 And all Mine are Yours, and Yours are Mine, and I am glorified in them. 11 Now I am no longer in the world, but these are in the world, and I come to You. Holy Father, keep through Your name those whom You have given Me, that they may be one as We are. 12 While I was with them in the world, I kept them in Your name. Those whom You gave Me I have kept; and none of them is lost except the son of perdition, that the Scripture might be fulfilled. 13 But now I come to You, and these things I speak in the world, that they may have My joy fulfilled in themselves. 14 I have given them Your word; and the world has hated them because they are not of the world, just as I am not of the world. 15 I do not pray that You should take them out of the world, but that You should keep them from the evil one. 16 They are not of the world, just as I am not of the world. 17 Sanctify them by Your truth. Your word is truth. 18 As You sent Me into the world, I also have sent them into the world. 19 And for their sakes I sanctify Myself, that they also may be sanctified by the truth. 20 "I do not pray for these alone, but also for those who will believe in Me through their word; 21 that they all may be one, as You, Father, are in Me, and I in You; that they also may be one in Us, that the world may believe that You sent Me. 22 And the glory which You gave Me I have given them, that they may be one just as We are one: 23 I in them, and You in Me; that they may be made perfect in one, and that the world may know that You have sent Me, and have loved them as You have loved Me. 24 Father, I desire that they also whom You gave Me may be with Me where I am, that they may behold My glory which You have given Me; for You loved Me before the foundation of the world. 25 O righteous Father! The world has not known You, but I have known You; and these have known that You sent Me. 26 And I have declared to them Your name, and will declare it, that the love with which You loved Me may be in them, and I in them."

This entire chapter is filled with the purpose of Jesus coming to this earth, so that we might have life, so that we can have a right relationship with God. We all have a purpose. While I lament and weep over Rex leaving me, I have come to understand that Rex fulfilled his purpose in this life. Through my nostalgic moments, when I wish that life could be as it was before, I know deep in my heart, that Rex' purpose was satisfied, and I must accept it, let go of "our" purpose and move on with "my" purpose.

I encountered many challenges this past month, mostly things that Rex would have taken care of had he been here. As I have dealt with the lawnmower not working, Rex' truck not working, a plumbing leak that flooded the basement, the gas grill not working and losing an expensive hearing aid, to name a few, I realized that I CAN'T do this. I had to accept that I am limited, and I can't do all of this. I have been approaching my life with the mindset that this is the hand that I have been dealt, so I need to deal with it and handle it. I simply can't handle it. I had to let it all go - the anxiety, the pressure, the worry, the if only Rex were here.

With this being said, there has been a turning point in my life. I have entered a stage of serenity. I have been living in turbulent waters for a while now; that turbulence transcended into my spirit as I dealt with Rex' terminal illness, the loss of him, the change in our family identity, the change in my personal identity, the loss of shared responsibility, a new baby. This turning point consisted of me coming to the end of myself. While the waters may rage around me, I can be calm. I don't have to reflect my circumstances.

In my last entry, I talked about not knowing how to turn my grief into contentment. I feel that that is starting to occur now. There is a settled, quiet spirit within me, one that is starting to accept that this is my life now. It is still wrapped in sadness, but tied with a ribbon of expectant hope, a hope of what God is going to do.

You've heard the foolish adage, It's all about me. None of this is about me. I was created to give God glory. I live to give God glory. Everything in my life is there to give God glory. My relationships, my marriage, my family doesn't and didn't exist for me to claim ownership; they exist to give God glory. Rex was not mine. Erin is not mine. Amber is not mine, Lindsey is not mine. Rachael is not mine. They are in my life for however long God appoints, so that God is glorified. It is not about me. It is not about satisfying myself. The relationships we have, the things we possess are not given to us for us to hold onto and possess. They are mere blessings sprinkled in our lives to fulfill our created purpose: to glorify God.

Whether we realize it or not, we often claim ownership and possession of our relationships, our things, and our activities. I am married to Rex, so that I am not lonely. I have children, so that I can fulfill that maternal instinct. I have friends so that I have that comraderie. I want things because it makes life easier. I participate in this activity because it's my right. We often revere all of these as trophies in our lives. They are important to us, and they are important because they fill a gap inside. It is very difficult to relinquish our insecurities and with certainty, release our trophies from satisfying our own needs and wants to giving God glory.

What trophies are you holding in your hand and claiming as yours?

Donna

Wednesday, April 2, 2008

This picture was taken by Rex on our last family trip that we took in March 2007 to Cocoa Beach, FL.




Each month, I mentally mark off those special days that I go through for the first time without Rex. It's almost like a countdown in my mind. So far, in 8 months, we have been through all of our birthdays except Rachael's. We have been through Thanksgiving, Christmas, Valentine's Day, Easter, and our wedding anniversary (the ones that matter to me). The notches for March were Easter and our wedding anniversary. As I go through each of these significant days, I think to myself, "Well, I got through that one." And, then I count what I have left to go through for the year.

I guess because I do this, when I actually get to these special days and holidays, they really aren't that bad. I approach them with great awareness. Then, later, when I let my guard down after I get through them, sometimes a week later, I am engulfed with sadness and the tears flow.

I haven't been able to pinpoint what triggers a good day from a bad one. The bad days come like a thief in the night. They are really hard. They are marked with incredible sadness, lots of tears, and a "I can't believe he's gone" stunned feeling. When I think back over the last two years, I absolutely can't believe that I have been through all of this. I can't believe that we have been through all of this. It still astounds me.

Sure, I am stronger; I have definitely been handed some credentials to help others. I have certainly gotten a better handle on grace and compassion. I have gained an understanding of what it means to be in the pit of suffering, emotional suffering. I know what it is to grieve and mourn.

In my last update I talked about being able to experience joy and sadness at the same time. However, I don't think that it is possible to be suffering and be happy at the same time. I have joy; it is the knowledge that a better day is coming; it is the understanding that through the ups and downs of life, I have hope; I have eternal life with God. Happiness is not the same as joy. Happiness is what you have in the good times of life. It permeates your entire being and makes everything good. It has been a long time since I felt genuinely happy. I have happy moments, but they last only as long as the moment. It doesn't penetrate and doesn't make everything good. When you are happy, you overlook shortcomings and failures -- all is good. Happiness is a very gratifying feeling.

God did not promise us a happy life. Life is full of ups and downs. It would be very foolish to believe that I could always be happy. That is not realistic at all. I had a dream a few weeks ago, and in that dream, I was very happy. It was such a euphoric feeling. It was great. I woke up and still felt the effects of it; I had forgotten what it felt like. As I pondered my dream and my delight in it, I realized that it has been a long time since I felt that gratifying, satisfying, healthy cheerfulness. It has been a long time since I have felt light-hearted. I long for that feeling again. I think about that dream often and really crave a season of genuine-to-the-core happiness. At the core, I am not content with my life. I don't quite know how to turn my grief into true contentment.

One thing that I think has helped me often in my suffering is to be able to constantly look around and see someone else who is suffering, someone who is going through something harder or more difficult. There are many, many situations that are far worse than what we are experiencing. As I approached this Easter, I specifically thought about Jesus' suffering.

When Jesus lived on this earth, He was a perfect, sinless man who suffered probably all of His life on this earth. I think about how life was as a little boy knowing absolute truth, being absolutely perfect and surrounded with imperfect parents, imperfect siblings, imperfect peers. The resentment and ridicule that was extended toward him had to be endless. It surely followed Him everywhere He went. He was probably constantly revered in a love/hate way, loved because he had all the qualities that we like in others and hated because He was a reminder of our failures. You look at any family that has a favored child and you can sense the unfairness that exists and/or the resentment and bitterness by the others. If one of my children were perfect, sinless, I have to say that it would be really difficult not to favor that child, the child who is ALWAYS obedient and respectful. As a sibling, I know there would be strife in my heart if I grew up in Jesus' shadow never measuring up, and I probably wouldn't have been very nice to Him at times.

Then, as Jesus became a young adult, he was ridiculed and plotted against simply for giving people hope and life. He was tempted with food when he was very hungry; Jesus hadn't eaten in 40 days. He was tempted with peace when Satan offered to give up enmity with Jesus; He was tempted with reclaiming His throne when God Almighty lowered himself to live as a man.

Jesus was beaten beyond recognition and mocked for doing absolutely nothing wrong. Jesus endured all of this because He was the perfect sacrifice to pay for our sins. He was beaten and crucified because of MY sin. He suffered for me, for you.

Jesus suffered emotional pain; Jesus suffered physical pain; Jesus suffered mental pain. I know that there are people around me who are suffering more than I am, but no one is suffering or has ever suffered more than Jesus did on this earth. When you wrap your mind around that reality, then you can begin to understand that God loves in the midst of great personal suffering. God became suffering to save us from a hopeless eternity. God became suffering so that we can have life and have it generously. God suffered to give us an example.

Going back to the temptations that you find in Matthew 4, Mark 1 and Luke 4, I have to say that I have never put myself in Jesus' shoes regarding His temptations before this year. I dismissed it in the past on the grounds that Jesus was God, so He couldn't sin so how hard were the temptations really. It is difficult to understand how Jesus was 100% man and 100% God. This year, I think my eyes were opened. I have much more respect for this passage of Scripture; it has personal meaning to me now.

If you have a hard time with the 100% God and 100% man doctrine, let's look at the temptation of Christ from the 100% God standpoint. So, Jesus couldn't sin because He was God. Think about the temptations, these clearly show that He is not like us.

Can you refrain from eating food for an entire day? A few days? How about 40 days?

Satan offered peace to Jesus if Jesus would bow down and worship him. You and I know that the peace would have been short-lived. Satan would have wreaked havoc anyway. When you have those times that instant peace is offered, do you take it when you know that chaos is sure to follow. A practical example of this is seen many times in our parenting. You have a child who is whining and wanting something and making a big scene in the store. You have a choice. You can either give the child what they want and have instant peace only to realize that you have opened the door for this behavior to continue the next time the child wants something. Or, you can deal with the unruliness, discipline the child, assert your authority and teach the child that this is not acceptable behavior. Then, peace is realized later because the unruly behavior is corrected, not perpetuated.

Satan tempted Jesus to reclaim his throne. Jesus didn't deserve to live as a lowly man. He is the Son of God! How many times have you been treated unfairly at work or in the family or with friends? You haven't gotten the treatment you have earned, the treatment you deserve. Do you attempt to claim your glory? Or, do you hand that right over to God and give God the glory for the abilities that He has given you?

The point is that this clearly shows that God is mighty and powerful and nothing like us. He is 100% God. It distinctly shows our failures as mere humans.

Likewise, God is 100% man. What a man to look up to. He was faced with great temptation, and He overcame it; He had victory. There have been many times when I have given in to temptation. I have struggled with giving up just sugar, let alone food altogether and certainly never for 40 days. While I usually don't choose instant peace, there have been times that I have given in for that moment of peace. I have also gotten mad before when I didn't think I got the recognition that I deserved. How 'bout you?

No matter what you are going through, Jesus suffered more than we ever have or ever will. If you are suffering, try to understand the suffering Jesus endured for you. It was real. It was intense.

Knowing all of this makes Jesus more precious to me. He suffered for me. He died for me. He did it so that He could give me a future in a glorious Heaven, a Heaven that has no suffering, none, zilch, nada!

If you are in that happy season of life. Enjoy it. Know that you are being blessed. You are probably going through a mountain top time in your life. Take a deep breath and savor the moment.

Everything has its time.

Ecclesiastes 3:1-8
1 To everything there is a season,
A time for every purpose under heaven:
2 A time to be born,
And a time to die;
A time to plant,
And a time to pluck what is planted;
3 A time to kill,
And a time to heal;
A time to break down,
And a time to build up;
4 A time to weep,
And a time to laugh;
A time to mourn,
And a time to dance;
5 A time to cast away stones,
And a time to gather stones;
A time to embrace,
And a time to refrain from embracing;
6 A time to gain,
And a time to lose;
A time to keep,
And a time to throw away;
7 A time to tear,
And a time to sew;
A time to keep silence,
And a time to speak;
8 A time to love,
And a time to hate;
A time of war,
And a time of peace.

God is still on the throne no matter what season you are in.

Donna Meadows

Friday, March 14, 2008

We passed the six month mark on Sunday, February 10th. I wasn't sure how that day would affect me. I am glad to say that it was the most "normal" that I have felt on a Sunday since Rex passed. I had such a good day, in fact, that I thought I was having a turning point in my mourning. The next few days were even good days, but I was ambushed again. I can't predict when I will have those sudden moments of intense sorrow. I can't really prepare for them. They come when I least expect them. It's not the birthdays or special days that hit the hardest for me. It's the days I least expect it, the regular days.

We have mostly adjusted in our daily life, our routines. While I/we needed the adjustment to help us cope, it saddens me because it simply means that we are going on without Rex. We are making new memories that don't include him; we are experiencing milestones that he is not a part of with us. There is an undertone of misery with each memory and milestone because we are very aware that Rex/daddy is not here to share it with us. As I see the girls adjusting, I want to keep Rex' memory alive for them. I periodically ask them to tell me some memory they have with their daddy. Already, I see Lindsey forgetting so much. Her memory she mentions every time is the very last time he played with her. I will mention something for her, and she doesn't remember it. It is heart wrenching for me, especially as I see her really try hard to remember. Here is this little girl that is going to have a hard time remembering specific memories of her daddy. She was three when he was diagnosed with cancer; all she really remembers is his life as an ill man. I agonize over the loss that Rachael will always feel in that vacant part of her heart that can only be filled by a relationship with her father. It is my prayer that her Heavenly Father will fill that vacant part. I am apprehensive as Erin and Amber head into tweenage and teenage years without the daily role model of what a gentleman and godly man looks like, acts like, talks like.

With each of my girls, I have played lullaby CD's at night to help them wind down for the night while they were babies. Lindsey and Rachael share a room. So, Lindsey is getting to listen to them, too. This past Sunday (Mar 9th), I decided to change the CD and put a different one in. I didn't think much of it, it was one of my dense moments. About 10 minutes later, I heard Lindsey sobbing hard and loud. I checked on her, and she was really upset. The CD that I had put in had the song Butterfly Kisses on it. She was still awake, listening to the CD when she heard that song come on. As she listened to the words, she realized that it was a song from a daddy to his daughter. I remember when this song first came out; I remember getting teary eyed to it many times as it touched my heart. I know it was hard for Lindsey to hear it and grasp the reality that she would not have this in her life. This was the most emotion I have seen from her since Rex' death. I wish I would have responded better; I was simply speechless. I don't think I uttered a word. Erin had also heard her crying and had gotten to her before me; she held Lindsey as she cried. I watched in a catatonic state, unable to help or soothe. I am glad that Erin was there because she was able to fill the shoes that I couldn't at that moment. I am not berating myself for playing the CD, but I wish I would have thought about it and been more discerning.

As we feel our way around to a new "normal," there are things that I am noticing and experiencing firsthand. I have joy and pain simultaneously. I can feel both at the same time. My joy comes from my relationship with my Lord; my pain comes from the loss of my relationship with Rex. The second thing I acknowledge is the feeling that I am half alive. Rex was my other half, and I feel half dead. Will I ever feel fully alive again? Who am I now? The third thing I recognize is that I am broken, and I need God's healing. My heart has been broken; my life has been broken; my dreams have been broken; our family has been broken.

When I was first widowed, I believed the old adage that time heals all wounds. Time. Does time in itself really heal? I think that time is just a scab. The real healing begins when we ask God to heal our heart. If honesty and trust are paramount for mental health, then I must openly grieve and ask God to take my broken world and "set" it. Secondly, I must trust Him, really trust Him, to do that.

I still have no answers as to why God would take Rex, a person who had lots of promise, at such a young age. I may never know or understand. While I think about it frequently, my life can't revolve around why? It doesn't help, and I am not God. I was reminded of this when I read Genesis 5 several weeks ago. Here you have a chapter giving the lineage from Adam to Noah's family. It is one of those so and so begat so and so begat so and so chapters. I usually have a tendency to speed read these chapters as I read my Bible, but this time something caught my eye.

Genesis 5:24 And Enoch walked with God: and he was not; for God took him.

Here was a man that lived 365 years, only 43% of the average life listed in this chapter. Translated into our times, Rex lived 52% of the life expectancy of a male in the United States. Enoch died a young man and he walked with God! The other men listed in Genesis 5 didn't have anything noted about them like this. Why would God take Enoch at such a young age if he was worthy of being called a man that walked with God? I found comfort in this verse because once again, I am reminded that God is sovreign, and I cannot possibly understand all of His ways. He does not answer to me. I also noted that Enoch was the father of Methusaleh, the man often coined as the oldest man who ever lived. So, did Enoch leave a footprint? I think so. Rex has left his footprint, as well.

Are you leaving a footprint for those that follow you? What kind of footprint are you leaving? Is it a footprint of faithfulness, patience, love, grace, kindness, mercy, generosity? or Is it a footprint of strife, anger, selfishness, foolishness, greed? Think about your footprint, ask God to give you a great footprint, a worthy footprint, and wear that footprint well.

I haven't gotten a tombstone for Rex' grave yet. I believe that I am going to do something a little different. I want to take his shoes and put his shoeprints on his tombstone to remind us that he has left a footprint in this world, and God is going to use it to impact this world for Him through what he has left behind.

Have a blessed day,

Donna Meadows

Monday, January 21, 2008

I have many nights where deep sorrow reigns in my heart, and I can't stop the tears. I have never experienced anything this hard in life. I am somewhat fumbling in my efforts to develop good coping habits. I am trying not to let these days be a blur of time, but I find myself simply surviving each day waiting for a better tomorrow.

The first four months were marked in my heart as, "He's gone. Rex is gone. He is gone." Then, in December, it changed; instead of him just being gone, it became, "He is not coming back; Rex is never coming back! He's really gone, and he's not coming back." The first four months, I braced myself to become a single parent. I fell into bed exhausted and woke up to clenched fists, a clenched jaw, and an aching body every morning. I finally started to let go of this "holding myself together" routine in December.

As I started to really rest at night and wake up actually feeling rested, the deep sorrow set in. It's certainly not a sorrow for Rex; he is where I want to be. It's not a hopeless sorrow because there will come a day when I will see him again. Nevertheless, it is a sorrow. Rex' physical death was a death to my dream to grow old with Rex, to be able to share our lives together, to rear our children together. For twelve years, these dreams developed, and suddenly they were crushed in a moment.

I think it is fair to say that I got the breath knocked out of me. I don't think that it is ever easy not to get your way. We would be spoiled and unthankful if we got everything that we ever wanted. Wanting Rex to be healed was not an unreasonable request. I don't see the BIG picture of why God didn't grant that request. As a parent, I can understand and appreciate Christ's authority in my life, though.

Psalm 23 1 The LORD is my shepherd; I shall not want. 2 He maketh me to lie down in green pastures: he leadeth me beside the still waters. 3 He restoreth my soul: he leadeth me in the paths of righteousness for his name's sake. 4 Yea, though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I will fear no evil: for thou art with me; thy rod and thy staff they comfort me. 5 Thou preparest a table before me in the presence of mine enemies: thou anointest my head with oil; my cup runneth over. 6 Surely goodness and mercy shall follow me all the days of my life: and I will dwell in the house of the LORD for ever

As I read it, this is what I heard:

The Lord takes care of me and my needs. I can rest in His provision. I can walk through each day with a peaceful heart. He restores me from sorrow, grief, and pain. He is guiding and protecting me each day. Though my sorrow is so strong and it feels like death, this too shall pass. Even in my sadness, you have not forgotten or forsaken me. You comfort me every time I look in Your Word and sense Your presence in my heart. You give me what I need and so much more; Your faithfulness never wavers. I belong to you and will one day live in Your Kingdom forever.

Hope, even in the dark times, there is hope.

Over the last several years toward the end of the year, Rex and I would pray for God to give us an anchor verse or a "theme verse" for the next year. We found it to be rewarding spiritually in our relationship to Christ and in our marriage. As I asked God to give me a verse for 2008, I believe that He guided me to Philippians 3:10.

Phil 3:10 [For my determined purpose is] that I may know Him [that I may progressively become more deeply and intimately acquainted with Him, perceiving and recognizing and understanding the wonders of His Person more strongly and more clearly], and that I may in that same way come to know the power outflowing from His resurrection [which it exerts over believers], and that I may so share His sufferings as to be continually transformed [in spirit into His likeness even] to His death, [in the hope]

There's no doubt that 2007 marks the hardest year of my life so far. I firmly believe in living a purpose driven life, one that drives me closer in my relationship with Jesus Christ. I want my determined purpose to be to know God, see like God, be like God.

What is your determined purpose for 2008?

From time to time, I will latch on to a song that resonates with my heartbeat. It will have special meaning to me and express what I am thinking and feeling. As I start 2008, there is a song that articulates what is deep within me. It is a song that has been out for a while, and I have always liked it. Lord, I Believe in You by Crystal Lewis -- as I endure the pain of loss, there is nothing that makes me feel better than knowing that I have a Holy Lord who cares and gives me a deep and unspeakable joy.

No matter how much I hurt or want to say "WHY", I always come back to this truth: Jesus was born from above; He is the one and only true way to the Father's heart. He died for ME!!! He suffered and died for MY sin! He conquered death and the grave so that I can live eternally! Jesus suffered for me. How can I wallow in my own suffering knowing this? To do this, would be selfish and unappreciative of the price that Christ paid for my sin.

Read the lyrics of this song:

Though I can't see Your holy face
And Your throne in heaven above
It seems so far away
Though I can't touch your nail scarred hands
I have a deep and unspeakable joy
That makes my faith to stand

Lord, I believe in You
I'll always believe in You
Though I can't see you with my eyes
Deep in my heart
Your presence I find
Lord, I believe in You
And I'll keep my trust in You
Let the whole world say what they may
No one can take this joy away
Lord, I believe

Born from above
You are Gods only chosen one
You're the one and only true way
To the Fathers heart
You died for all sin
Then you rose and now live again
Conquering death and the grave
So that I might live

Lord, I believe in You
I'll always believe in You
Though I can't see you with my eyes
Deep in my heart
Your presence I find
Lord, I believe in You
And I'll keep my trust in You
Let the whole world say what they may
No one can take this joy away
Lord, I believe

You can hear it in this you tube video: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=HabUwQIcgPw

I am going through my season of grief. It is not easy. There are a lot of tears involved. There are a lot of questions to ask. There is a lot of re-evaluating of self to do. There are a lot of feelings to face: anger, blame, regret, loneliness, self-pity, guilt, insecurity, depression, forgiveness, fear -- there really seems to be no end to it. At the end of the day, when all is said and done, I am so very thankful that regardless of the feelings that grip my heart at any given moment, I can run to Jesus and He will give me rest. I can call on His name, whether aloud or in my heart, and I know that He hears my cry because I feel His presence deep in my heart. It simply says, "I am here, Donna, I am here. Don't fret. I have not forgotten or turned my back on you. I am here, my child, to carry you through this."

If you are His child, He carries you, too. Call on Him for comfort.

Donna Meadows