I originally penned this update in mid December. I didn't have the freedom in my heart to send it then. I was crying so much, experiencing so much sorrow, I had to keep this to myself for a bit. I decided that I was finally ready to share it with you.
It is very late and yet, my heart is so heavy right now(Dec 12th). These past three weeks have been especially hard for us. Going through The Promise was hard on us physically and emotionally. Last year will always reign in our minds because Rex was with us through it.
We agreed as a family that our favorite part this year of The Promise was during the song, Arise, My Love. Hearing the lyrics, The grave no longer has a hold on you. No more death sting. No more suffering... I can't help but think that Rex is not suffering anymore. He is there with Jesus experiencing something more powerful than we will ever experience on this earth. Lindsey loved that scene; she wanted to stop and watch it every time that she could. She would sing the song over and over. She has told me more than once that if Jesus hadn't come back alive that we couldn't go to heaven.
Lindsey had her first crying meltdown about her daddy; it was Sunday evening after the first weekend of The Promise. Last year, Rex held her quite a bit during practices, rehearsals, and performances. This year, I couldn't compensate for that because I had Rachael to hold. There were times when I handed Rachael off to someone else, but I tried not to overdo that because I didn't want Rachael to be over stimulated to the point of us simply having to go home. It was hard enough on her being away from home and her bed for many hours.
I believe that Lindsey's meltdown was a culmination of several things: her daddy wasn't here to hold her this year in The Promise; she was remembering him being here with us last year during all of this; she was very, very tired physically, and she just learned days before that her grandmother (she is very close to her "Ninny") has cancer.
I had tried to spare my kids of the cancer news with "Ninny", but she had lost her hair, and I knew that they would have to know that before they saw her again. I felt that the sight of her being bald would be harder on them than knowing she was taking medicine to help her get better.
On Sunday evening, December 3rd, Lindsey had already gone to bed when she popped her head out of her room and stood there looking at me not saying anything. She hesitated and then came over to me. Once she got in front of me, she started sobbing and said that she missed her daddy. I started crying too. I held her and rocked her and cried with her. I asked her if she wanted to talk about it, and she shook her head no. She didn't say anything else that night; she cried for 20 minutes or so, and then quieted down as I rocked her and held her. Once she calmed down, she got up and went to bed.
The next morning, she got up and was quieter than normal. She looked at me a few times, but didn't say anything. Finally, she walked over to me and said, "I still miss my daddy." I scooped her up and said, "I know. I do too." It was precious. I think she was thinking: I'm not crying like I was last night, but I still miss him. I sat down with her; after a few minutes, she spoke up and said, "It was partly your fault that daddy died. If you hadn't taken him to the doctor that last night, he would still be here with us." I wasn't really shocked with this. She wouldn't look at me while she said it; she was waiting to see my reaction.
Ever since Rex learned of his illness, Lindsey has shown an extreme dislike for doctors. She would do everything to avoid going to the doctor when she became ill; there were three occasions when I had to take her to the dr. while Rex was sick, and it was a real battle to get her to cooperate and an even harder one to get her take the medicine they prescribed. She really believed that doctors would make her sick. I can remember two conversations with her where we talked about sometimes needing to go to the dr. so that they could help her get better. She would listen, but I could tell she wasn't convinced.
Logically, that is what she saw. Rex went to the doctor; we learn he has cancer. Rex went to the doctor and he took medicine that made him sick (chemo); Rex went to the doctor; his pain was worse and worse; Rex went to the doctor; he was weaker. She has the cause and effect backwards. She thinks that going to the doctor caused the effect of Rex' illness. So...her statement was not really surprising.
I gently told her that the doctors were trying to make daddy better; I told her that her daddy would have died here at home if I hadn't taken him to the doctor that night. I told her that his organs quit working. I told her that God created us, and he put organs in our bodies that have jobs to do to make our bodies work right and that sometimes, they don't work right; so the doctors try to fix them with medicines. I asked her if she had ever had a toy break. She nodded. I asked her if she had remembered times when daddy or I would try to fix her broken toys; sometimes, we could and sometimes, we couldn't. She nodded again. I said to her that our bodies don't always work right and the doctors are there to try to fix them. Sometimes, they can fix our bodies; sometimes, they can't. The doctors were trying to get your daddy's organs to work right that last night, but nothing they did helped. Daddy couldn't live if they didn't work right. She said she understood, but I think it is going to take time for it to sink in. Her head knows this truth, but her heart thinks differently.
Monday, Dec. 10th marked 4 months since Rex' death. That evening, Erin had another meltdown about her daddy. It led to Amber having a meltdown and Lindsey just watched and listened. Erin sobbed for a good 30 minutes. She said that she felt like we were losing our family. She said that she knew that God had a good reason for taking her daddy, but she didn't know why. She wanted to know why God would want to take her daddy from her. She said that it was hard to see others with their daddies when she couldn't be with hers.
Amber started sobbing at this point. She brought up the song from Casting Crowns titled Every Man. Through her sobs, she said, "That song says there is hope for every man; why didn't daddy get that hope? I don't understand." I couldn't answer her. The premise of the song is Jesus is our only hope. It had never dawned on me that the girls might pull this thought process from that song.
We cried and sat together for almost two hours on my bed. I told them that I couldn't tell them why God took their daddy to heaven. I don't have those answers. I told them that God understood our hurt. I communicated to them that it was good for us to cry and talk about our feelings, that it will help us heal. Erin expressed that her biggest fear is that she will forget her daddy. I told her that we must talk of him often, remember him and he will live in on in our memories.
I told them that it was ok to write a letter to their daddy in their journals telling him how they missed him. Amber and Lindsey took off to get theirs. Erin hesitated. She told me that she hadn't written in hers yet because she didn't know what to say. I told her that it didn't have to perfect. If she just wanted to write "Daddy, I miss you." That was fine. So, she went off to write something too.
Lindsey brought me her journal because she wanted to dictate her letters to me to write. She dictated three pages to me. She repeatedly said that she missed her daddy. She repeatedly said that she loved her daddy. She said several times (her words) that "God choosed to take you from us because this was the best choice."
I don't know what Amber and Erin wrote in their journals. If they want to share it with me, they will.
On December 12th, we shared another crying time. As were listening to some Christmas music on the radio in the car, the song Christmas Shoes came on. We've heard this poignant song a few times this season, but I guess it hit the girls a little harder this evening. I looked over and saw Amber silently sobbing. I reached out to her and touched her arm. She started openly sobbing; Erin was crying too. I lost it, as well. We didn't exchange any words; we just cried for a while. Later, after I got done praying with them, Amber said she would like to have that song. That was all that was ever spoken about our grieving that night. There was something special about being able to cry together with understanding and leave words unspoken.
I was able to find that CD and give it to her before Christmas. She has listened to that song over and over. Why do we do that? We have a song that brings us to tears, and we opt to listen to it over and over knowing full well that it is going to cause us to cry every time.
I have cried so much in the past several weeks. This is so hard. Each morning, I ask God for strength to get through the day; each evening, I sigh in relief that the day is over; we made it through another day.
Matthew 6:34 has become so real to me these last few weeks. I have to take one day at a time; today is hard enough without adding the troubles of tomorrow to it.
Matthew 6:34 Therefore do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about its own things. Sufficient for the day is its own trouble.
I have never seen worry be productive. I believe it is rooted in unbelief/distrust. Unbelief that God is Sovreign. Distrust that He is faithful.
What is occupying your thoughts today? Are you worried? Anxious? If it will help you, get a piece of gum to chew, and as you chew on it, let it be a reminder that you need to chew today only.
Donna Meadows
Showing posts with label Promise. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Promise. Show all posts
Sunday, January 20, 2008
Monday, October 08, 2007
Sunday, October 7, 2007
This email has been developing for a few weeks. I have periodically written more, but haven't been able to send it. Before, it was easy for me to tell you about Rex and our family as a whole. Now, it is about me and our family. I have a much harder time telling you about me. I don't really like to be the center of attention. That is why I never mentioned my pregnancy in any of my updates. It brought attention to me, and I didn't want to do that.
I have struggled with whether to send more updates, especially when I am down. I don't want to send an email that brings pity. I don't mind compassion and love, but I don't ever want you to read an email from me and declare it to be "so pitiful."
I had my first dream about Rex a couple of weeks ago. I woke up with my heart pounding and in a state of panic. There was no logic to the dream, but the emotions were very real. In the last couple of months, if I left Rex, I would always make sure he had the phone nearby so he could call me if he needed me. As he got closer to death, I didn't want to leave him or go very far if I did leave. In my dream, I had left him at an amusement park (I told you it had no logic) and told him to call me if he needed me, but that I would be back soon. Well...as I was gone, I was away longer than I had anticipated, and I was surprised that he hadn't called me. So, I called his cell phone and it went straight to voicemail. I knew instantly that his battery was dead, and that was why he hadn't called. I immediately panicked as I tried to rush back to the amusement park to get him. When I got there, I had no clue where to look for him. I was running through the park looking for him everywhere, and I couldn't find him. I could sense that he was in a lot of pain and wanted very much to go home, but I couldn't find him. In my mind, I could see him sitting on a bench hunched over just waiting for me to come. My heart was racing; Rex needed me and I wasn't there. He needed me, and I couldn't find him. I couldn't help him because I couldn't find him. There was so much desperation in my heart as I ran and looked everywhere for him. I just kept saying to myself that, "He needed me and I wasn't there for him. I had failed him because when he needed me I wasn't there." I was so distraught when I woke up; my heart was pounding. I finally had to read to get my mind distracted so that I could calm down.
So often, when I think about Rex' last days, I do feel like I failed him. I couldn't help him. I couldn't take away his pain; I couldn't make him better. No matter how much research I did, no matter how much I read, no matter how much I tried to nourish his body, in the end it didn't help. I tried to take care of him, but it wasn't good enough. It's really difficult to let that feeling of failure go when you try so hard to make it all better. I knew throughout his illness that I didn't want to ever look back at this and say that I didn't give it my all for him. I never wanted to look back at Rex' illness and say that I didn't do everything possible in my power to eradicate this disease from his body. I know that life is ultimately in God's hands, however, I wanted to fulfill my responsibility to his health and well being.
We are coming up on The Promise (the visual portrayal of the life of Christ that our church does each year) again. The girls wanted to participate again. I wasn't opposed to it, but I did talk to the girls about the differences this year; I wanted them to realize that it would be harder this year because of the memories from last year. I wanted them to understand there would be unique emotions that they might experience as a result of daddy not being in it with us. They said that they knew there would be some sadness as we participated, but that they still wanted to be involved. So, we went to the auditions. They thoroughly enjoyed it as they remembered how much they enjoyed it last year. It was awkward for me. I was more like, "Let's get through this." That night as I got the kids in the bed, I felt lonelier than I have felt since Rex has been gone. I cried myself to sleep. I wish he were here. I miss him so much.
Rex and I were married for 12 years, but my most vivid memories right now are all from his sick days. I think that his sick days were so intense for us that it is hard for me to remember the times pre-sick. I expect this to last for a time, and then the good memories will come back to me more.
I remember when my mom was dying, she tried to prepare us for the grief. I specifically remember two things that she shared with me. One, was that, "For a while you will only remember me being sick, but there will come a day when you will remember the real me." And, she was right. The second thing she shared was about her own mother's death: "When my mother died, I wanted a new baby so desperately. I wanted new life to make the one I lost easier to bear." She actually shared these thoughts on more than occasion. After my mom died, I was pregnant (unplanned by us) with Amber within a month. I believe that my mother asked God to give me a child to help me through my loss of her. And, even now, God gave me new life to help with the loss of Rex through Rachael.
Evening times are the hardest around here. Rachael has her fussy time in the evenings, and it usually extends past the older girls' bedtimes. This is when I think the older girls' need my attention the most, and it is hard for me to give it to them as I am tending to Rachael. Rex almost always did bedtime with the girls; he would use this time to read to them, talk with them, disciple them, and pray with them. It was a really sweet, precious time for them with their daddy. Now, he is not here to do that. That's hard enough, but then, I haven't been able to fill that gap because I am taking care of Rachael. They really feel the loss of daddy the most at bedtime. They haven't complained about it, but I can see it in their eyes as they try adjust to our nights being different. I am really looking forward to Rachael getting past those early days of fussy nights. We are starting to get to that point. I have had a chance to actually give each of the girls some individual attention at bedtime the past few nights. Up until now, I was barely able to sit down and pray with them before they went to bed.
You may remember the family that I mentioned in June 2006 that Rex and I had met in Tulsa when we were at the Cancer Treatment Centers of America. Josh, Kristin, and their daughter Patience. Josh had a sarcoma cancer that had started in the muscles between his ribs. Anyway, we have periodically kept in touch with them over this past year. Josh passed away in April just one month shy of being 27. He left behind Kristin (25 years old) and two daughters, Patience and Grace. Grace was born weeks before Josh passed away. He, like Rex, held on to see their baby before his death. Thankfully, he was a believer, and I am sure that he and Rex have met again. When their 2nd daughter was born, he spent several weeks in the hospital during those last days; anytime someone would come in to care for Josh or visit, they would always ask about their little girl, and Josh would always respond, "Her name is Grace; God's grace is sufficient for thee." I don't think that I will ever forget Kristin telling me that. By this time, Josh' remaining lung was barely functioning (Josh had one of his lungs removed after diagnosis). Kristin said that no matter how much he struggled to breathe, he would always pipe up and say this about little Grace before Kristin could get a word in.
I remember when I found out that Josh had passed over into eternity. It was May 21st. I hadn't talked to them in a while, and suddenly I had this urgency to check on them one evening. It was too late to call, but I couldn't get them off of my mind. So, I thought I would see if I could find an obituary on Josh since I felt so strongly about checking on them. I typed his name, and a prayer list did come up in my search. It was a prayer list for the National Day of Prayer at a church in Michigan. It had their names and it mentioned Josh' death. Then, I went looking for the obituary in OH (where they lived), and I found it. The reason I remember the date I did this all so well is because as I read the obituary, I realized that May 21st was Josh' birthday. He would have been 27. I was troubled by his death. Just like us, they did everything possible and searched every avenue looking for something that would heal his body.
I didn't tell Rex right away. I had to ruminate the news myself; Josh' death discouraged me, and I knew that it would discourage Rex. When I finally told him, it did discourage him. We both were saddened because we were heading in the same direction. I told Rex about Josh the next evening; he didn't say anything about it until the next day. He told me that Josh' death had depressed and discouraged him; I understood. It had done the same thing for me. I think that was the turning point for us to decide for Rex to utilize his disability at work. Rex would have worked until the day he died otherwise. Working til the day he died wasn't going to do a thing for us; he was weak to the point that he had NOTHING left when he got home; we wanted to have some of Rex' energy spent with us. He started his medical leave days later.
It was about a week and a half before I actually talked to Kristin after finding out about Josh' death. Kristin talked about the grief of seeing his things. Part of her wanted to get them out of the house NOW, and part of her wanted to keep them forever. She told me this story about her first meltdown. She had gone to Michigan to stay with her mom after the funeral for a few weeks; when she finally returned back home, she was in her bathroom and Kristin saw Josh' toothbrush and she lost it. She sobbed; Josh was gone, and he wasn't coming back. I relayed this story to Rex after I got off of the phone with her along with all the other things that she talked about. He didn't say much.
I know that Rex tried his best to take care of me by making everything easier on me. Even in his last days, he was thinking of me. As days go by, I find new things or discover things that he did to protect me after his death. There were a lot of times that he didn't ask me to do things for him because he thought I had my hands full. For the last couple of years, he was notorious for calling me whenever we were apart for any length of time. If I went to the grocery store, he would call to check on me. If I went to my dad's house next door, he would call me while I was there. He always said it was because he missed me when we were apart. In the last few weeks he was alive, he always had the phone nearby if I was gone, but he never called me, not once. I remember checking my phone to make sure that I hadn't missed a call from him or that my phone was not dead because I was surprised that he hadn't called. Then, I would call him. I would tell him I was surprised that he hadn't called me; he never really said anything in response to that. I think he deliberately quit calling me to prepare me for the days that he couldn't call me.
When we were preparing to go to the hospital for Rachael's birth, I packed the things I needed for me and for the baby; I asked Rex what he would like to have and he named a few items, but there were some items he packed himself. Anyway, when we were at the hospital, I noticed that he didn't have his toothbrush in the bathroom at the hospital. I thought maybe he had forgotten to pack it. He stayed at the hospital almost the whole time that I was there; he only left for a few hours one time. I still didn't think anything about his toothbrush because I thought maybe he brushed his teeth in those few hours he was at home. When we got back home, I saw that his toothbrush wasn't there. I know it sounds unusual to be so concerned about his toothbrush. I don't have an answer as to why I noticed it when I had so many other things to think about. I asked him where his toothbrush was and he said that it was still packed. I thought that odd because I never saw it in the bathroom at the hospital. Then, I thought that maybe he had forgotten to brush his teeth with him feeling so weak. I let it go. Then, when I still didn't see his toothbrush a day or so later, I asked him where it was and he told me it was still in the backpack. You wouldn't think something so little as a toothbrush would have any significance.
The only reason I remember it was because I thought it was strange; Rex was very habitual with brushing his teeth. I never saw that toothbrush again. It never made it back into our bathroom. A week after Rex died, I went to clean out his backpack that was still packed from the hospital. There was no toothbrush in there. I remember thinking that Rex was mistaken about his toothbrush being there. Then, a month after his death, it hit me one day out of the blue: he had remembered my story about Josh and his toothbrush. He didn't want me to experience that, so he threw it away. I know without a doubt he did that. It wasn't odd; he was trying to spare me a grieving moment. I am amazed that a story I relayed to him two months before he died became important to him for my sake. Even I didn't remember it. Yet, he had the clarity of mind to care enough about me to remove something that could make me feel his loss. Do you not think that is love? I do.
It's times like these that I feel so selfish because I don't think that I would have ever been that thoughtful had the sickness been mine. He was so unselfish with me, so caring and thoughtful. It is times like these that remind me how much I miss him. We have indeed suffered a great loss. Rex is and will always be a hero to me.
It seems like every other day, I find out something else that needs to be taken care of that Rex usually took care of. Then, I usually have a feeling of defeat. Since his death, we have had to get the a/c worked on, the pump on the well replaced, a crack in the exhaust manifold of our van fixed, take one of our girls to the ER for stitches, get the registration and inspection on his truck, and kill 3 ugly BIG creepie crawlies (not the lizard, he is still on the loose somewhere). Then, there are the regular maintenance things that he did like replace the filters on the a/c, take the trash to the landfill, and maintain the outside grounds. It seems neverending.
A friend of mine gave each of us a journal so that we could write letters to Rex whenever we wished that we could share something with him. Then, we can ask Jesus to take those letters to Rex. The girls found a lot of comfort in that thought. It makes him seem not so distant. Lindsey recently turned five. A few days later, she brought her journal to me and asked me to write a letter to daddy for her. She dictated to me what she wanted to tell him. She told him about her birthday: what kind of cake she had, where she went. She told him that she missed him and loved him. Then, when I finished writing it, I told her to ask Jesus to take it to daddy. She ran off to a corner and got on her knees, and said, "God, will you take my letter to my daddy and tell him I love him." It was precious.
Lindsey regularly makes mention of daddy. "He is still part of our family, he is just not with us," or "Daddy didn't leave us because he wanted to; He wanted to stay here with us." Amber likes to talk about her memories of Rex. She relishes her memories of him. Erin doesn't really talk about it unless I ask; she has that tendency to keep things to herself. I have to capture moments with her alone to talk to her and bring her out. She is starting to enter the tumultous and delicate puberty days. I feel a need to be really fragile and caring with her right now.
Lindsey always wanted to know where her daddy was. "Where's daddy?" It was almost a daily question when he was working. She wanted to know, and even though, he was usually at work when she asked, she would still ask. This past Saturday, she had a moment where she forgot that he had died. She asked me where daddy was, and almost as soon as she said it, she realized that she had forgotten; she quietly said, "Oh, I forgot. Never mind." I don't think she knows that I heard her. I didn't say anything else to her. I didn't know what to say; it was obvious that she didn't want to talk about it so I let it go.
For the past few years, Erin would from time to time get up after going to sleep (but before Rex and I went to bed) and come into the den and stand there and say, "Uh Uh Uh Uh." She would stand there rubbing her face and say that over and over and never say anything else. We finally figured out that she was doing this while she was still asleep. So, when she would do that, I would look at her and watch a little while then gently tell her to go back to bed. She would immediately stop rubbing her face and go back to bed. Rex and I used to get so tickled when she would do that because she never said anything except "uh." Of course, she would never remember it the next morning. She did that again, but differently the other night. I heard her crying; I thought it was strange because I knew she was asleep already. Then, a few minutes later, she came to me, did the "uh" thing again, and managed to say that she was scared. I didn't realize she was still asleep at first because she actually said something besides "uh" plus I had heard her crying before that. As I tried to talk to her about why she was scared and why she was crying, she looked at my like I was crazy. I realized then that she was still asleep. I told her to get in my bed. She got in my bed right away. I asked her about it the next day, and she had no clue what I was talking about. I wonder what she was dreaming about that caused her to cry aloud.
I continue to be thankful that God is covering me and my girls with His grace and care. The biggest struggle that I have is the huge responsibility that I am carrying. I feel tremendous tension in my body every day. When I finally get a chance to sit down at night and sit for an hour or so to try to relax, I feel the tension when I go to get up again. Every muscle in my body aches as if I had done a major workout. The tension in my back is tremendous. I feel it every day. I have been trying to do things that will help relieve the tension and help me relax. It doesn't seem to last very long. I think the tension comes more from the burden that I carry than from the actual day to day activities. I hope that it gets easier with time.
There are several ways that you can pray for me/us. I need to get a better handle on my burdens and responsibilities as a single parent. The tension is really hard on me. I am going to be making some financial decisions in the next few months. Pray that my choices will be wise. I am also going to be praying about the girls' education. I am currently homeschooling a 5th grader, 3rd grader, and Kindergardener. With me being a single parent, I am not sure that this is the best choice since I don't have Rex to share the parenting load with anymore. Looking back to the last few weeks that Rex was alive, I remember him asking me to really consider putting the girls in school so that I could have a break. At the time, I thought that he was worried about the kids with me being so extended. I now know that he was worried about me. I can also remember back to the conversations and see that the way he talked about it was in a way that he knew he wasn't going to be here to help me. I know that I need a regular outlet away from my children. School would be a means for me to get that. If this is something that will get easier in the months ahead, I can wait and continue with the direction that we are in. While I am taking one day at a time, I am thinking ahead to what would be best long-term for my overall health and the health of our family. I do not want to make any major changes in our lives right now; I am praying about what God would have me to do to lead our family.
I want Christ as the center of our family; this is the only way to withstand the evil, sadness, and woes that this world has to offer. What are you building your family on? Sports? Education? Money? Job?
Matthew 7:24-25
24 "Therefore whoever hears these sayings of Mine, and does them, I will liken him to a wise man who built his house on the rock:
25 and the rain descended, the floods came, and the winds blew and beat on that house; and it did not fall, for it was founded on the rock.
The winds have blown and beaten on our house. Pray for us to be "founded on the rock."
I have struggled with whether to send more updates, especially when I am down. I don't want to send an email that brings pity. I don't mind compassion and love, but I don't ever want you to read an email from me and declare it to be "so pitiful."
I had my first dream about Rex a couple of weeks ago. I woke up with my heart pounding and in a state of panic. There was no logic to the dream, but the emotions were very real. In the last couple of months, if I left Rex, I would always make sure he had the phone nearby so he could call me if he needed me. As he got closer to death, I didn't want to leave him or go very far if I did leave. In my dream, I had left him at an amusement park (I told you it had no logic) and told him to call me if he needed me, but that I would be back soon. Well...as I was gone, I was away longer than I had anticipated, and I was surprised that he hadn't called me. So, I called his cell phone and it went straight to voicemail. I knew instantly that his battery was dead, and that was why he hadn't called. I immediately panicked as I tried to rush back to the amusement park to get him. When I got there, I had no clue where to look for him. I was running through the park looking for him everywhere, and I couldn't find him. I could sense that he was in a lot of pain and wanted very much to go home, but I couldn't find him. In my mind, I could see him sitting on a bench hunched over just waiting for me to come. My heart was racing; Rex needed me and I wasn't there. He needed me, and I couldn't find him. I couldn't help him because I couldn't find him. There was so much desperation in my heart as I ran and looked everywhere for him. I just kept saying to myself that, "He needed me and I wasn't there for him. I had failed him because when he needed me I wasn't there." I was so distraught when I woke up; my heart was pounding. I finally had to read to get my mind distracted so that I could calm down.
So often, when I think about Rex' last days, I do feel like I failed him. I couldn't help him. I couldn't take away his pain; I couldn't make him better. No matter how much research I did, no matter how much I read, no matter how much I tried to nourish his body, in the end it didn't help. I tried to take care of him, but it wasn't good enough. It's really difficult to let that feeling of failure go when you try so hard to make it all better. I knew throughout his illness that I didn't want to ever look back at this and say that I didn't give it my all for him. I never wanted to look back at Rex' illness and say that I didn't do everything possible in my power to eradicate this disease from his body. I know that life is ultimately in God's hands, however, I wanted to fulfill my responsibility to his health and well being.
We are coming up on The Promise (the visual portrayal of the life of Christ that our church does each year) again. The girls wanted to participate again. I wasn't opposed to it, but I did talk to the girls about the differences this year; I wanted them to realize that it would be harder this year because of the memories from last year. I wanted them to understand there would be unique emotions that they might experience as a result of daddy not being in it with us. They said that they knew there would be some sadness as we participated, but that they still wanted to be involved. So, we went to the auditions. They thoroughly enjoyed it as they remembered how much they enjoyed it last year. It was awkward for me. I was more like, "Let's get through this." That night as I got the kids in the bed, I felt lonelier than I have felt since Rex has been gone. I cried myself to sleep. I wish he were here. I miss him so much.
Rex and I were married for 12 years, but my most vivid memories right now are all from his sick days. I think that his sick days were so intense for us that it is hard for me to remember the times pre-sick. I expect this to last for a time, and then the good memories will come back to me more.
I remember when my mom was dying, she tried to prepare us for the grief. I specifically remember two things that she shared with me. One, was that, "For a while you will only remember me being sick, but there will come a day when you will remember the real me." And, she was right. The second thing she shared was about her own mother's death: "When my mother died, I wanted a new baby so desperately. I wanted new life to make the one I lost easier to bear." She actually shared these thoughts on more than occasion. After my mom died, I was pregnant (unplanned by us) with Amber within a month. I believe that my mother asked God to give me a child to help me through my loss of her. And, even now, God gave me new life to help with the loss of Rex through Rachael.
Evening times are the hardest around here. Rachael has her fussy time in the evenings, and it usually extends past the older girls' bedtimes. This is when I think the older girls' need my attention the most, and it is hard for me to give it to them as I am tending to Rachael. Rex almost always did bedtime with the girls; he would use this time to read to them, talk with them, disciple them, and pray with them. It was a really sweet, precious time for them with their daddy. Now, he is not here to do that. That's hard enough, but then, I haven't been able to fill that gap because I am taking care of Rachael. They really feel the loss of daddy the most at bedtime. They haven't complained about it, but I can see it in their eyes as they try adjust to our nights being different. I am really looking forward to Rachael getting past those early days of fussy nights. We are starting to get to that point. I have had a chance to actually give each of the girls some individual attention at bedtime the past few nights. Up until now, I was barely able to sit down and pray with them before they went to bed.
You may remember the family that I mentioned in June 2006 that Rex and I had met in Tulsa when we were at the Cancer Treatment Centers of America. Josh, Kristin, and their daughter Patience. Josh had a sarcoma cancer that had started in the muscles between his ribs. Anyway, we have periodically kept in touch with them over this past year. Josh passed away in April just one month shy of being 27. He left behind Kristin (25 years old) and two daughters, Patience and Grace. Grace was born weeks before Josh passed away. He, like Rex, held on to see their baby before his death. Thankfully, he was a believer, and I am sure that he and Rex have met again. When their 2nd daughter was born, he spent several weeks in the hospital during those last days; anytime someone would come in to care for Josh or visit, they would always ask about their little girl, and Josh would always respond, "Her name is Grace; God's grace is sufficient for thee." I don't think that I will ever forget Kristin telling me that. By this time, Josh' remaining lung was barely functioning (Josh had one of his lungs removed after diagnosis). Kristin said that no matter how much he struggled to breathe, he would always pipe up and say this about little Grace before Kristin could get a word in.
I remember when I found out that Josh had passed over into eternity. It was May 21st. I hadn't talked to them in a while, and suddenly I had this urgency to check on them one evening. It was too late to call, but I couldn't get them off of my mind. So, I thought I would see if I could find an obituary on Josh since I felt so strongly about checking on them. I typed his name, and a prayer list did come up in my search. It was a prayer list for the National Day of Prayer at a church in Michigan. It had their names and it mentioned Josh' death. Then, I went looking for the obituary in OH (where they lived), and I found it. The reason I remember the date I did this all so well is because as I read the obituary, I realized that May 21st was Josh' birthday. He would have been 27. I was troubled by his death. Just like us, they did everything possible and searched every avenue looking for something that would heal his body.
I didn't tell Rex right away. I had to ruminate the news myself; Josh' death discouraged me, and I knew that it would discourage Rex. When I finally told him, it did discourage him. We both were saddened because we were heading in the same direction. I told Rex about Josh the next evening; he didn't say anything about it until the next day. He told me that Josh' death had depressed and discouraged him; I understood. It had done the same thing for me. I think that was the turning point for us to decide for Rex to utilize his disability at work. Rex would have worked until the day he died otherwise. Working til the day he died wasn't going to do a thing for us; he was weak to the point that he had NOTHING left when he got home; we wanted to have some of Rex' energy spent with us. He started his medical leave days later.
It was about a week and a half before I actually talked to Kristin after finding out about Josh' death. Kristin talked about the grief of seeing his things. Part of her wanted to get them out of the house NOW, and part of her wanted to keep them forever. She told me this story about her first meltdown. She had gone to Michigan to stay with her mom after the funeral for a few weeks; when she finally returned back home, she was in her bathroom and Kristin saw Josh' toothbrush and she lost it. She sobbed; Josh was gone, and he wasn't coming back. I relayed this story to Rex after I got off of the phone with her along with all the other things that she talked about. He didn't say much.
I know that Rex tried his best to take care of me by making everything easier on me. Even in his last days, he was thinking of me. As days go by, I find new things or discover things that he did to protect me after his death. There were a lot of times that he didn't ask me to do things for him because he thought I had my hands full. For the last couple of years, he was notorious for calling me whenever we were apart for any length of time. If I went to the grocery store, he would call to check on me. If I went to my dad's house next door, he would call me while I was there. He always said it was because he missed me when we were apart. In the last few weeks he was alive, he always had the phone nearby if I was gone, but he never called me, not once. I remember checking my phone to make sure that I hadn't missed a call from him or that my phone was not dead because I was surprised that he hadn't called. Then, I would call him. I would tell him I was surprised that he hadn't called me; he never really said anything in response to that. I think he deliberately quit calling me to prepare me for the days that he couldn't call me.
When we were preparing to go to the hospital for Rachael's birth, I packed the things I needed for me and for the baby; I asked Rex what he would like to have and he named a few items, but there were some items he packed himself. Anyway, when we were at the hospital, I noticed that he didn't have his toothbrush in the bathroom at the hospital. I thought maybe he had forgotten to pack it. He stayed at the hospital almost the whole time that I was there; he only left for a few hours one time. I still didn't think anything about his toothbrush because I thought maybe he brushed his teeth in those few hours he was at home. When we got back home, I saw that his toothbrush wasn't there. I know it sounds unusual to be so concerned about his toothbrush. I don't have an answer as to why I noticed it when I had so many other things to think about. I asked him where his toothbrush was and he said that it was still packed. I thought that odd because I never saw it in the bathroom at the hospital. Then, I thought that maybe he had forgotten to brush his teeth with him feeling so weak. I let it go. Then, when I still didn't see his toothbrush a day or so later, I asked him where it was and he told me it was still in the backpack. You wouldn't think something so little as a toothbrush would have any significance.
The only reason I remember it was because I thought it was strange; Rex was very habitual with brushing his teeth. I never saw that toothbrush again. It never made it back into our bathroom. A week after Rex died, I went to clean out his backpack that was still packed from the hospital. There was no toothbrush in there. I remember thinking that Rex was mistaken about his toothbrush being there. Then, a month after his death, it hit me one day out of the blue: he had remembered my story about Josh and his toothbrush. He didn't want me to experience that, so he threw it away. I know without a doubt he did that. It wasn't odd; he was trying to spare me a grieving moment. I am amazed that a story I relayed to him two months before he died became important to him for my sake. Even I didn't remember it. Yet, he had the clarity of mind to care enough about me to remove something that could make me feel his loss. Do you not think that is love? I do.
It's times like these that I feel so selfish because I don't think that I would have ever been that thoughtful had the sickness been mine. He was so unselfish with me, so caring and thoughtful. It is times like these that remind me how much I miss him. We have indeed suffered a great loss. Rex is and will always be a hero to me.
It seems like every other day, I find out something else that needs to be taken care of that Rex usually took care of. Then, I usually have a feeling of defeat. Since his death, we have had to get the a/c worked on, the pump on the well replaced, a crack in the exhaust manifold of our van fixed, take one of our girls to the ER for stitches, get the registration and inspection on his truck, and kill 3 ugly BIG creepie crawlies (not the lizard, he is still on the loose somewhere). Then, there are the regular maintenance things that he did like replace the filters on the a/c, take the trash to the landfill, and maintain the outside grounds. It seems neverending.
A friend of mine gave each of us a journal so that we could write letters to Rex whenever we wished that we could share something with him. Then, we can ask Jesus to take those letters to Rex. The girls found a lot of comfort in that thought. It makes him seem not so distant. Lindsey recently turned five. A few days later, she brought her journal to me and asked me to write a letter to daddy for her. She dictated to me what she wanted to tell him. She told him about her birthday: what kind of cake she had, where she went. She told him that she missed him and loved him. Then, when I finished writing it, I told her to ask Jesus to take it to daddy. She ran off to a corner and got on her knees, and said, "God, will you take my letter to my daddy and tell him I love him." It was precious.
Lindsey regularly makes mention of daddy. "He is still part of our family, he is just not with us," or "Daddy didn't leave us because he wanted to; He wanted to stay here with us." Amber likes to talk about her memories of Rex. She relishes her memories of him. Erin doesn't really talk about it unless I ask; she has that tendency to keep things to herself. I have to capture moments with her alone to talk to her and bring her out. She is starting to enter the tumultous and delicate puberty days. I feel a need to be really fragile and caring with her right now.
Lindsey always wanted to know where her daddy was. "Where's daddy?" It was almost a daily question when he was working. She wanted to know, and even though, he was usually at work when she asked, she would still ask. This past Saturday, she had a moment where she forgot that he had died. She asked me where daddy was, and almost as soon as she said it, she realized that she had forgotten; she quietly said, "Oh, I forgot. Never mind." I don't think she knows that I heard her. I didn't say anything else to her. I didn't know what to say; it was obvious that she didn't want to talk about it so I let it go.
For the past few years, Erin would from time to time get up after going to sleep (but before Rex and I went to bed) and come into the den and stand there and say, "Uh Uh Uh Uh." She would stand there rubbing her face and say that over and over and never say anything else. We finally figured out that she was doing this while she was still asleep. So, when she would do that, I would look at her and watch a little while then gently tell her to go back to bed. She would immediately stop rubbing her face and go back to bed. Rex and I used to get so tickled when she would do that because she never said anything except "uh." Of course, she would never remember it the next morning. She did that again, but differently the other night. I heard her crying; I thought it was strange because I knew she was asleep already. Then, a few minutes later, she came to me, did the "uh" thing again, and managed to say that she was scared. I didn't realize she was still asleep at first because she actually said something besides "uh" plus I had heard her crying before that. As I tried to talk to her about why she was scared and why she was crying, she looked at my like I was crazy. I realized then that she was still asleep. I told her to get in my bed. She got in my bed right away. I asked her about it the next day, and she had no clue what I was talking about. I wonder what she was dreaming about that caused her to cry aloud.
I continue to be thankful that God is covering me and my girls with His grace and care. The biggest struggle that I have is the huge responsibility that I am carrying. I feel tremendous tension in my body every day. When I finally get a chance to sit down at night and sit for an hour or so to try to relax, I feel the tension when I go to get up again. Every muscle in my body aches as if I had done a major workout. The tension in my back is tremendous. I feel it every day. I have been trying to do things that will help relieve the tension and help me relax. It doesn't seem to last very long. I think the tension comes more from the burden that I carry than from the actual day to day activities. I hope that it gets easier with time.
There are several ways that you can pray for me/us. I need to get a better handle on my burdens and responsibilities as a single parent. The tension is really hard on me. I am going to be making some financial decisions in the next few months. Pray that my choices will be wise. I am also going to be praying about the girls' education. I am currently homeschooling a 5th grader, 3rd grader, and Kindergardener. With me being a single parent, I am not sure that this is the best choice since I don't have Rex to share the parenting load with anymore. Looking back to the last few weeks that Rex was alive, I remember him asking me to really consider putting the girls in school so that I could have a break. At the time, I thought that he was worried about the kids with me being so extended. I now know that he was worried about me. I can also remember back to the conversations and see that the way he talked about it was in a way that he knew he wasn't going to be here to help me. I know that I need a regular outlet away from my children. School would be a means for me to get that. If this is something that will get easier in the months ahead, I can wait and continue with the direction that we are in. While I am taking one day at a time, I am thinking ahead to what would be best long-term for my overall health and the health of our family. I do not want to make any major changes in our lives right now; I am praying about what God would have me to do to lead our family.
I want Christ as the center of our family; this is the only way to withstand the evil, sadness, and woes that this world has to offer. What are you building your family on? Sports? Education? Money? Job?
Matthew 7:24-25
24 "Therefore whoever hears these sayings of Mine, and does them, I will liken him to a wise man who built his house on the rock:
25 and the rain descended, the floods came, and the winds blew and beat on that house; and it did not fall, for it was founded on the rock.
The winds have blown and beaten on our house. Pray for us to be "founded on the rock."
Wednesday, December 13, 2006
Wednesday, December 13, 2006
We made it through The Promise. Lindsey came down with the flu that second weekend of performances and is getting better each day, but she had it rough for a few days. Amber got pink eye the last day; she healed very quickly with eye drops. Erin carried a cough for several days and was a run down, but she is fine now. I have had the sniffling, sneezing, stuffy head, and laryngitis for a few days, but I am feeling much better. Rex is tired, but he is doing ok. I can tell his body is trying to get sick, but he is fighting it extremely well. I think all of his supplements are working to build his immune system. Aside from the cancer, he probably has the healthiest immune system of any of us with all that he does to boost it.
Our family was blessed getting to participate in The Promise; it was satisfying service to our Lord, especially for Rex. Although, he is tired, he was saddened to see it come to an end.
I hope that you are planning to come by this Saturday. We are looking forward to seeing you and having some good fellowship. I hope that you were able to forward our invitation on by email and verbally. This is a weird sort of invitation, I know, since I don't really have a clue how many people that I am inviting, nevertheless, I am planning as best as I can, and we want as many as you who can to come and visit us whether it be brief or whether you can stay and meander with us. I have encountered a little hesitation with this invitation from some people who don't directly get updates from me. Please know that if you have cared for us, prayed for us, kept up with our lives, given to us, and/or loved us, YOU ARE INVITED! I am relying on the forwards of this to carry the invitation for me.
I realize that some are too many miles away, but for those who are nearby, please join us.
God has really been good to us, and we want to celebrate. Celebrate with us.
"Celebrate God's Goodness"
Saturday, December 16th 4:30 pm - 7:30 pm floating Christmas party
Psalm 91: 14-16 14 "Because he has set his love upon Me, therefore I will deliver him; I will set him on high, because he has known My name. 15 He shall call upon Me, and I will answer him; I will be with him in trouble; I will deliver him and honor him. 16 With long life I will satisfy him, And show him My salvation."
Where have you set your love? Who gets your adoration and praise?
Hope to see you soon,
Donna Meadows
Thursday, December 07, 2006
Wednesday, December 6, 2006
We have been pretty busy these last several weeks getting ready for "The Promise" at our church. We have had one weekend of 3 performances and are scheduled to do 4 performances this weekend.
As this year comes to an end, I can look back and see tremendous trials and tremendous growth in our lives for 2006. We have been through the hardest year of our lives, and yet I can honestly say that through it, we have felt God's hand upon us as never before. We have been blessed this year in many ways.
We have had the privilege of living these last four years in the house that my mom and dad built 14 years ago. My mom loved Christmas time and loved people. One of their goals in building this house was to make it a home for people to gather and fellowship. So, for 3 years, they had a Christmas party each year when they invited their friends and family to drop in and say" hello" and get a bite to eat and fellowship. They were floating parties in which you could come and stay 5 minutes or 2 hours, whichever suited you. She would have the house fully decorated; her Christmas tree was her specialty as she had spent 15 years developing it with special ornaments. Everything that adorned her tree had a spiritual reference relating to Jesus Christ. She oftentimes would share the gospel while sharing what each item on her tree symbolized. It was a great occasion for my mom, and she loved doing it. The last Christmas party my parents were able to have was 10 years ago this year. She wasn't able to have one her last Christmas here because she was too sick with cancer.
We have decided that in memory of my mom and also because of what this year has been for us, that we would like to have "A Celebration of God's Goodness" with a floating Christmas party, just like the ones my mom and dad gave. We are going to decorate it the way my parents decorated it and have "her" tree (of course, my dad did most of the work). We will have all kinds of good eats to share with you.
We would like to invite every one of you to stop in and stay for 5 minutes or 2 hours and fellowship with us. Many of you forward these updates on and on; this invitation is endless. If you regularly receive our updates, then you are invited whether we have ever met or not. We would love to meet you. If you know of someone who doesn't get the email updates, but prays for us and cares for us, then please let them know they, too, are invited. We would be very honored if everyone of you would drop in and say "hi."
For those of you across the miles and out of reach, let me say, "Thank you for your kind thoughts and prayers over these last twelve months. Thank you for taking the time to read my updates and care for us. Feel free to drop us a note if we can't see you face to face and fellowship with you. My prayer is that you have drawn closer to God in 2006 and that you are treasuring each day that God gives you."
We have been cared for, given to, prayed for, and loved on this year by very many people. This is our way of saying, "THANK YOU!" and of celebrating all that God has done for us this year.
God has been good to us, and He has blessed us.
We have set Saturday, December 16th as the time to have this fellowship. To accommodate busy Christmas schedules, we would like to open this celebration at 4:30 in the afternoon for those who do not like to drive at night or have other plans in the evening, and we plan to keep it open until around 7:30 p.m. If you want to come and can't come until 7:30 p.m., please, still come by. We want to hug you and give you our personal thanks for your prayers, thoughts, concerns, encouragement, and gifts to us this year.
Our phone number is 828-294-2384 if you need our address or you can always email us at rdeam@hotmail.com
Looking forward to seeing you:
"A Celebration of God's Goodness"
Saturday, December 16, 2006 4:30pm - 7:30pm floating Christmas party
Psalm 65:11 You crown the year with Your goodness, And Your paths drip with abundance.
Exodus 23:25So you shall serve the Lord your God, and He will bless your bread and your water. And I will take sickness away from the midst of you.
Psalm 41:3 The Lord will sustain him on his sickbed and restore him from his bed of illness.
MARK YOUR CALENDARS!
Donna Meadows
As this year comes to an end, I can look back and see tremendous trials and tremendous growth in our lives for 2006. We have been through the hardest year of our lives, and yet I can honestly say that through it, we have felt God's hand upon us as never before. We have been blessed this year in many ways.
We have had the privilege of living these last four years in the house that my mom and dad built 14 years ago. My mom loved Christmas time and loved people. One of their goals in building this house was to make it a home for people to gather and fellowship. So, for 3 years, they had a Christmas party each year when they invited their friends and family to drop in and say" hello" and get a bite to eat and fellowship. They were floating parties in which you could come and stay 5 minutes or 2 hours, whichever suited you. She would have the house fully decorated; her Christmas tree was her specialty as she had spent 15 years developing it with special ornaments. Everything that adorned her tree had a spiritual reference relating to Jesus Christ. She oftentimes would share the gospel while sharing what each item on her tree symbolized. It was a great occasion for my mom, and she loved doing it. The last Christmas party my parents were able to have was 10 years ago this year. She wasn't able to have one her last Christmas here because she was too sick with cancer.
We have decided that in memory of my mom and also because of what this year has been for us, that we would like to have "A Celebration of God's Goodness" with a floating Christmas party, just like the ones my mom and dad gave. We are going to decorate it the way my parents decorated it and have "her" tree (of course, my dad did most of the work). We will have all kinds of good eats to share with you.
We would like to invite every one of you to stop in and stay for 5 minutes or 2 hours and fellowship with us. Many of you forward these updates on and on; this invitation is endless. If you regularly receive our updates, then you are invited whether we have ever met or not. We would love to meet you. If you know of someone who doesn't get the email updates, but prays for us and cares for us, then please let them know they, too, are invited. We would be very honored if everyone of you would drop in and say "hi."
For those of you across the miles and out of reach, let me say, "Thank you for your kind thoughts and prayers over these last twelve months. Thank you for taking the time to read my updates and care for us. Feel free to drop us a note if we can't see you face to face and fellowship with you. My prayer is that you have drawn closer to God in 2006 and that you are treasuring each day that God gives you."
We have been cared for, given to, prayed for, and loved on this year by very many people. This is our way of saying, "THANK YOU!" and of celebrating all that God has done for us this year.
God has been good to us, and He has blessed us.
We have set Saturday, December 16th as the time to have this fellowship. To accommodate busy Christmas schedules, we would like to open this celebration at 4:30 in the afternoon for those who do not like to drive at night or have other plans in the evening, and we plan to keep it open until around 7:30 p.m. If you want to come and can't come until 7:30 p.m., please, still come by. We want to hug you and give you our personal thanks for your prayers, thoughts, concerns, encouragement, and gifts to us this year.
Our phone number is 828-294-2384 if you need our address or you can always email us at rdeam@hotmail.com
Looking forward to seeing you:
"A Celebration of God's Goodness"
Saturday, December 16, 2006 4:30pm - 7:30pm floating Christmas party
Psalm 65:11 You crown the year with Your goodness, And Your paths drip with abundance.
Exodus 23:25So you shall serve the Lord your God, and He will bless your bread and your water. And I will take sickness away from the midst of you.
Psalm 41:3 The Lord will sustain him on his sickbed and restore him from his bed of illness.
MARK YOUR CALENDARS!
Donna Meadows
Wednesday, November 15, 2006
Wednesday, November 15, 2006
A lot has happened since my last update.
We met with our third oncologist in October. We expected her to have Rex' scans and reports from his previous local oncologist, but she didn't. So, she just gave him a physical exam and poked and prodded for about 30 minutes. At that time, she told us that she wasn't convinced that Rex had cancer because she said he should be doing a lot worse if he had what Rex told her he had. Rex was really nervous about this appointment; he was expecting another gloom and doom report. But, it was not that; we left encouraged.
We went back a couple of weeks later and this time the oncologist did have his scans and reports and agreed that the cancer was on the scans as he had told her. She was still perplexed as to why he was doing as well as he was. Not knowing what else to do, she ordered more scans. It had been 5 months since the last scans (late May).
No matter how much you try not to worry about medical tests, it is so stressful on the body and emotions. Rex' body and emotions were in somewhat of a tailspin for the next two weeks as he prepared to have the new PET scan, going through the actual PET scan, and getting the results. We went to the PET center a couple of days later and picked up the radiologist's report so that we could see what it said before we met with the oncologist again. It is so hard to go to the doctor to get the results -- sitting on the edge of your seat just waiting and hoping that it is a good report, a positive report. Then, if it is not good news, your mind goes numb. It's almost impossible to think intelligently or clearly much less ask anything of value.
So, we got the results and there was bad news and good news on them, but it showed cancer growth. Basically, his adrenal gland and at least one lymph node have quadrupled in size since March. The radiologist didn't compare it to May's scan because they were done in Tulsa, OK and he didn't have that one to use for comparison. Nevertheless, it has grown. It is discouraging. The good news is that it did not show cancer in any new areas, no evidence of cancer in his liver or lungs. And, there is no cancer showing in his esophagus. Rex was very discouraged and simply felt hopeless about beating this illness. He felt that all of his efforts were fruitless and wasteful.
He was lifted out of that gloom when several people at church just prayed for us one evening at the end of "The Promise" practice. He has continued to do the things that he can to boost his immune system; he has continued to read about cancer and research it. He continues to trust God even though it's hard sometimes.
We meet with the oncologist on Monday, Nov. 20th to hear her give us the results and her recommendations. She had already said in our last appointment with her that she didn't see any sense in doing more chemo because it would probably not benefit him any and would just make him sick and destroy his immune system. But, then, he wasn't having any pain; he was working full time; the cancer just didn't seem to be affecting him negatively.
We have seen deterioration in Rex' health this past week. He has been waking up at night or in the early morning hours with a significant amount of pain in his side where the adrenal gland is. It has even affected his ability to take deep breaths because it is too painful. It has interrupted his sleep and not allowed him to rest at night. He has still been going to work, but he is exhausted when he gets home. There was one night recently that he had pain all night and got very little sleep/rest. Since getting the radiologist report, Rex has taken some time off of work here and there to get Vitamin C IV's (these always help him to feel better) and to give his body rest.
With this new development of pain, the oncologist may want to do some chemo. I remember that when my mom had cancer, she took chemo somewhat just to have some pain relief. When she was on chemo, she was sick/nauseous and couldn't eat much and slept alot, but she had pain relief. When she was off chemo, she could eat and wasn't nauseous, but she had incredible non-stop pain.
Please pray for us as we go to this next oncologist appointment. We are praying for God's divine wisdom in this appointment. We are asking God to give this doctor the exact regimen needed for Rex' body even if it makes no sense to her why she should do it. Pray that we will ask the questions that need to be asked.
Please pray for Rex that he could have relief from his pain so that he can get the rest his body needs at night. He is planning to take time off of work throughout the rest of this year to allow his body to rest so that it can repair and fight.
Please pray for us as our family is participating this year in "The Promise", a musical portrayal of the life of Jesus Christ; this is the 10th anniversary of our church doing this. We are sure that there is some evil spiritual attack going on as we try to serve God in this way.
Psalm 13 1 How long, O Lord? Will you forget me forever? How long will you hide your face from me? 2 How long must I wrestle with my thoughts and every day have sorrow in my heart? How long will my enemy triumph over me? 3 Look on me and answer, O Lord my God. Give light to my eyes, or I will sleep in death; 4 my enemy will say, "I have overcome him," and my foes will rejoice when I fall. 5 But I trust in your unfailing love; my heart rejoices in your salvation. 6 I will sing to the Lord, for he has been good to me.
This Psalm really captures what we have been thinking and feeling this past month. While we may feel forgotten in our trials, God loves us with a love that NEVER fails. He is good all the time.
If you have ever looked at a completed piece of needlepoint on the front and the back, you know that there are distinct differences on the sides. The front side is a beautiful site and shows detail that can cause one to look at it in amazement. The back side does not tell the same story. It shows the knots and the movements that had to be made to make the front side a beautiful piece. It is often quite ugly looking. I believe that these knots and movements represent the trials and growth that we go through in daily life. We spend most of our life looking at the back of that needlepoint piece, while God is looking at the front. He is weaving and stitching every part to be the beautiful piece knowing all along exactly what the piece will look like in the end. We can't always see the front but I do believe that He gives us glimpses of it.
Phillippians 1:6 Being confident of this very thing, that he which hath begun a good work in you will perform it until the day of Jesus Christ.
God has begun a good work and will perform it until the day we come face to face with Jesus Christ. Praise Him for His unfailing love and His constant goodness.
Have a great day!
Donna Meadows
We met with our third oncologist in October. We expected her to have Rex' scans and reports from his previous local oncologist, but she didn't. So, she just gave him a physical exam and poked and prodded for about 30 minutes. At that time, she told us that she wasn't convinced that Rex had cancer because she said he should be doing a lot worse if he had what Rex told her he had. Rex was really nervous about this appointment; he was expecting another gloom and doom report. But, it was not that; we left encouraged.
We went back a couple of weeks later and this time the oncologist did have his scans and reports and agreed that the cancer was on the scans as he had told her. She was still perplexed as to why he was doing as well as he was. Not knowing what else to do, she ordered more scans. It had been 5 months since the last scans (late May).
No matter how much you try not to worry about medical tests, it is so stressful on the body and emotions. Rex' body and emotions were in somewhat of a tailspin for the next two weeks as he prepared to have the new PET scan, going through the actual PET scan, and getting the results. We went to the PET center a couple of days later and picked up the radiologist's report so that we could see what it said before we met with the oncologist again. It is so hard to go to the doctor to get the results -- sitting on the edge of your seat just waiting and hoping that it is a good report, a positive report. Then, if it is not good news, your mind goes numb. It's almost impossible to think intelligently or clearly much less ask anything of value.
So, we got the results and there was bad news and good news on them, but it showed cancer growth. Basically, his adrenal gland and at least one lymph node have quadrupled in size since March. The radiologist didn't compare it to May's scan because they were done in Tulsa, OK and he didn't have that one to use for comparison. Nevertheless, it has grown. It is discouraging. The good news is that it did not show cancer in any new areas, no evidence of cancer in his liver or lungs. And, there is no cancer showing in his esophagus. Rex was very discouraged and simply felt hopeless about beating this illness. He felt that all of his efforts were fruitless and wasteful.
He was lifted out of that gloom when several people at church just prayed for us one evening at the end of "The Promise" practice. He has continued to do the things that he can to boost his immune system; he has continued to read about cancer and research it. He continues to trust God even though it's hard sometimes.
We meet with the oncologist on Monday, Nov. 20th to hear her give us the results and her recommendations. She had already said in our last appointment with her that she didn't see any sense in doing more chemo because it would probably not benefit him any and would just make him sick and destroy his immune system. But, then, he wasn't having any pain; he was working full time; the cancer just didn't seem to be affecting him negatively.
We have seen deterioration in Rex' health this past week. He has been waking up at night or in the early morning hours with a significant amount of pain in his side where the adrenal gland is. It has even affected his ability to take deep breaths because it is too painful. It has interrupted his sleep and not allowed him to rest at night. He has still been going to work, but he is exhausted when he gets home. There was one night recently that he had pain all night and got very little sleep/rest. Since getting the radiologist report, Rex has taken some time off of work here and there to get Vitamin C IV's (these always help him to feel better) and to give his body rest.
With this new development of pain, the oncologist may want to do some chemo. I remember that when my mom had cancer, she took chemo somewhat just to have some pain relief. When she was on chemo, she was sick/nauseous and couldn't eat much and slept alot, but she had pain relief. When she was off chemo, she could eat and wasn't nauseous, but she had incredible non-stop pain.
Please pray for us as we go to this next oncologist appointment. We are praying for God's divine wisdom in this appointment. We are asking God to give this doctor the exact regimen needed for Rex' body even if it makes no sense to her why she should do it. Pray that we will ask the questions that need to be asked.
Please pray for Rex that he could have relief from his pain so that he can get the rest his body needs at night. He is planning to take time off of work throughout the rest of this year to allow his body to rest so that it can repair and fight.
Please pray for us as our family is participating this year in "The Promise", a musical portrayal of the life of Jesus Christ; this is the 10th anniversary of our church doing this. We are sure that there is some evil spiritual attack going on as we try to serve God in this way.
Psalm 13 1 How long, O Lord? Will you forget me forever? How long will you hide your face from me? 2 How long must I wrestle with my thoughts and every day have sorrow in my heart? How long will my enemy triumph over me? 3 Look on me and answer, O Lord my God. Give light to my eyes, or I will sleep in death; 4 my enemy will say, "I have overcome him," and my foes will rejoice when I fall. 5 But I trust in your unfailing love; my heart rejoices in your salvation. 6 I will sing to the Lord, for he has been good to me.
This Psalm really captures what we have been thinking and feeling this past month. While we may feel forgotten in our trials, God loves us with a love that NEVER fails. He is good all the time.
If you have ever looked at a completed piece of needlepoint on the front and the back, you know that there are distinct differences on the sides. The front side is a beautiful site and shows detail that can cause one to look at it in amazement. The back side does not tell the same story. It shows the knots and the movements that had to be made to make the front side a beautiful piece. It is often quite ugly looking. I believe that these knots and movements represent the trials and growth that we go through in daily life. We spend most of our life looking at the back of that needlepoint piece, while God is looking at the front. He is weaving and stitching every part to be the beautiful piece knowing all along exactly what the piece will look like in the end. We can't always see the front but I do believe that He gives us glimpses of it.
Phillippians 1:6 Being confident of this very thing, that he which hath begun a good work in you will perform it until the day of Jesus Christ.
God has begun a good work and will perform it until the day we come face to face with Jesus Christ. Praise Him for His unfailing love and His constant goodness.
Have a great day!
Donna Meadows
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