Tuesday, July 17, 2007

There has not been much improvement in Rex these past 3-4 weeks. He is certainly doing far better than he was 2 months ago, but he is still very weak overall. He probably has two good days a week, relative to his overall wellness. These are two days where he interacts with us, feels like talking, or even venturing out. What used to be relatively easy things to do around the house will totally wipe him out now.

His hemoglobin has been low the last several weeks, so he has been getting shots to try to build his blood; he has also received a blood transfusion to help with that. His hemoglobin has come up, but he still doesn't have the stamina that we were hoping that it would give him. We don't know for sure what triggers a good day for him versus a bad one. We have been looking at different things like supplements and food, but we don't see a real connection there. We have seen some improvement in how he feels when he has good bowel movements, but even that doesn't always help.

Today has been especially hard on him. He has had extreme nausea and pain throughout the entire day. He attempted to eat one bite of food this morning, but within minutes vomited. His vomit had what appeared to be old blood in it. He hasn't vomited anymore today, but he's had a tough day. He was finally able to keep a little something down this evening.

Rex has about 10 days left of his medical leave before he loses his full time job and his health insurance rolls over to COBRA. He hasn't had a paycheck in 8 weeks now; he does qualify for some disability with his employer; with that, he will receive 60% of his normal pay for a period of six months. His COBRA insurance will take about 40% of his disability pay leaving us with about 36% of his full time pay to live off of. I am concerned and a little fearful about this change. It's hard financially and emotionally. The financial part is obvious. The emotional speaks harder. It definitely shows Rex' illness and failure to improve or get stronger. It taunts death in front of our hearts and minds.

God has provided everything that we have needed throughout this past year and a half. I am very thankful for that. I will admit that we are in a financial crunch right now, any reserves we had are gone. We will have some relief once Rex' employer short term disability gets approved because they will back date his disability pay to the last day that he worked, and that will hopefully help us get caught up with bills that are due and/or past due. There is some hang up with his disability, so please pray for that to get processed and approved.

I haven't said much in a while about how the girls are handling Rex' illness. Last year, they had a really hard time while Rex was doing chemo and in and out of the hospital; once he resumed work you could definitely sense their relief as everything was going well again. Now, he has been out of work for a while, and they are very aware of his illness. They pray for him constantly and write notes to him expressing their love and desire to see him get better. They are cognizant of the seriousness of his illness, and they know that this disease claims so many lives. I have opportunities to share with them how good God is even when it seems that He allows things like this to happen. I stress that God always knows what is best even when it hurts us so much. I try to let them know that God can take tragedy and trauma in our lives to mold us into people that can impact the world and make a difference. Yet, I also allow them to feel the sadness and hurt associated with their dad's illness and want them to know that it is ok to not like his cancer. Overall, I think that they are coping extremely well. I am sure that the prayers that surround our family so consistently have protected the girls in and through this. Rex is a family man through and through. He has never expressed much interest in anything outside of family; his favorite activity is to be with his family, do with his family and go with his family. I sense that the girls are starting to forget this as he is not able to interact and play with them the way that he always has in the past. I want them to be able to retain the good memories of him and remember his devotion and dedication to them.

As always, we are constantly asking for God's wisdom and guidance each day for what to do. I don't really know what else to say; this is just so hard. I want Rex healed so very very much. It hurts so much it feels like my heart is actually breaking sometimes.

I don't really like ending on such a pitiful note; through the sadness, I am able to see good in each day and know that, "This is the day that the Lord has made; let us rejoice and be glad in it."

Donna Meadows