A head hung in despair cannot scan the horizon for God's provision.
We have that written on our mirror in our bathroom, yet still it is so easy for us to hang our heads in quiet despair if we focus on our circumstances.
Rex is seemingly doing well; however,there are things going in his body that signal a decline in Rex' health. He started out with an occasional discomfort in the area of his liver and kidneys. Then, it became a consistent discomfort/pain in the evening times, which has now developed into a general discomfort/pain all the time in the specific areas of his liver, kidneys, and spleen. The flip side is that he has experienced an increase in energy. He has an appointment with a third oncologist, but the earliest appt. he could get was October. We think that we want to be able to have someone that can order more scans to track his progress or decline. I say "think" because I know that sometimes ignorance is bliss. It is so hard to know what to do.
We believe we have looked at, read about, and researched every traditional and alternative cancer treatment that is available or being utilized somewhere in the world. It has been vastly overwhelming. At the same time, we know that God could make any one of these, every one of these, or even none of these work in Rex' body. So, we are trying to put our dependence and trust in God first and then go where He leads.
These past couple of weeks have been very emotional for us as we have become more aware of the magnitude of Rex' illness. We haven't talked about it extensively. I think that Rex and I have spent time reflecting and processing this in our own minds and hearts. While we are going through this together, we each have our own emotions and fears and pleas to work through.
If I had to sum it up in one word, I would say "sadness." It's not defeat because we haven't given up by any means; it's not disbelief because we still trust God's sovreignty and control. It's simply sadness, a deep emotional sadness. I struggled with how to email what we are going through because it is hard to explain. We are spiritual, mental, physical, and emotional beings, and these attributes are tied together. And, while these aspects or our lives all go hand in hand, I think that one aspect of our being becomes more visibly dominant or more pronounced at times. Right now, I think that our emotional side is manifesting itself more.
We have gone through the spiritual process: Why is God allowing this? How is He going to use this in our lives? What is His will for our lives? What is our role in claiming victory over Rex' illness?
We have gone through the mental process: What causes this cancer? How can it be prevented or cured? What treatments are available to treat cancer? We have definitely done our research.
While this cancer is mainly an attack on Rex' physical body, stress affects all of our bodies. I can see how it has affected mine, and how it has affected each of our kids' bodies. We have had to face taking care of our bodies more in a preventative way while Rex' is in a curative way.
Now, I believe we are processing the emotional part of this. I find myself crying a lot these days; I cry when I wash dishes; I cry when I make our bed; I cry when I listen to certain songs; I cry when I watch our kids; I cry when I watch Rex; I cry when I scratch his back or hug him; I'm crying while I'm typing this. There seems to be no end to my tears. I see Rex working through this with tears sometimes but mostly through a quiet solitude or retreat of his own.
Of course, the kids have sensed this and have responded to it, as well. Mostly, they have just been more helpful to me around the house and more respectful and obedient. I think they have an increased sense of wanting to be near us, especially Rex. There have been several nights where the girls have brought their sleeping bags into our room and put them beside our bed just because they wanted to be close to us, mainly closer to their daddy. Erin last night asked Rex if he was better, and Rex told her that he didn't believe that he was. Erin's response was this, "I wish that this all was just a big misunderstanding." So do we, Erin, so do we.
Our spiritual, mental, or physical facets don't shut down just because we are being more emotional. Rather, it is all a continual process always.
I wasn't sure that I would be able to put into words where we are right now in a way that would adequately convey our thoughts and feelings. It has taken me some time to even understand myself where we are and what we are going through. You all have been so faithful to pray for us and care for us that I knew that I needed to share this somehow with you. I hope that none of what I've said causes confusion. I think that people often think that if you are "sad" that you are somehow not trusting God. Nothing could be further from the truth for us. I am not sure that what I have tried to express here is making any sense.
There are several songs that have become special to us in the last several months. One of these is a song that is currently well played on WMIT -- it is by Casting Crowns and is titled "Praise You in This Storm." Read the lyrics and you can see why:
I was sure by now
God You would have reached down
And wiped our tears away
And stepped in and saved the day
Once again, I say Amen, and it is still raining
As the thunder rolls
I barely hear you whisper through the rain
I'm with you
As your mercy falls
I raise my hands and praise the God who gives
And takes away
I'll Praise you in this storm
And I will lift my hands
You are who you are
No matter where I am
And every tear I've cried
You hold in your hand
You never left my side
And though my heart is torn
I will Praise You in this storm
I remember when
I stumbled in the wind
You heard my cry
You raised me up again
My strength is almost gone
How can I carry on
If I can't find you
I lift my eyes into the hills
Where does my help come from
My help comes from the Lord
The maker of heaven and earth
I can't hear that song without being overcome with emotion.
When I feel despair grip my heart, my natural tendency is to curl up in my bed and feel sorry for myself or my husband or my kids. I know that it's ok to have emotions -- God created them. But, when I feel like withdrawing into my shell and allowing my emotions to overcome everything, my answer lies in the Word of God. Today, I went to Psalm 40 and just found solace there. No matter how bad things seem, God is so good. How marvelous are His ways; He is worthy! He is worthy! He has not forgotten us. He has heard our cry.
Deliver us, Lord, for I am trusting you. Your lovingkindness preserves me. Your truth endures. You are so worthy. Worthy of all honor, praise and power. Help me to love you with all my heart. Help me to seek You first. You promise to add all of these things to us if only we seek You first. I am seeking, Lord. You are amazing! You are my life, Lord. My very existence is rooted in You. Please, Lord, shower down on us your love. Have mercy on us. Restore Rex' health. For You, Lord, are good, and ready to forgive, And abundant in mercy to all those who call upon You. But You, O Lord, are a God full of compassion, and gracious, longsuffering and abundant in mercy and truth. Grant us this request, Lord. I praise you, Lord. I worship you, Lord God Almighty. I give you all the praise and glory, Lord. I love you, my Saviour and Redeemer. I love you, my Friend. I love you, my most Heavenly Father. Thank you for saving my soul, my life. Thank you for life, abundant life. Lord, create in me a clean heart that I may serve you. I lift up my life to you, O Lord. I will praise you all of my days. Blessed be the name of the Lord.
Psalm 40
1 To the Chief Musician. A Psalm of David. I waited patiently for the Lord; And He inclined to me, And heard my cry. 2 He also brought me up out of a horrible pit, Out of the miry clay, And set my feet upon a rock, And established my steps. 3 He has put a new song in my mouth-- Praise to our God; Many will see it and fear, And will trust in the Lord. 4 Blessed is that man who makes the Lord his trust, And does not respect the proud, nor such as turn aside to lies. 5 Many, O Lord my God, are Your wonderful works Which You have done; And Your thoughts toward us Cannot be recounted to You in order; If I would declare and speak of them, They are more than can be numbered.
6 Sacrifice and offering You did not desire; My ears You have opened. Burnt offering and sin offering You did not require. 7 Then I said, "Behold, I come; In the scroll of the book it is written of me. 8 I delight to do Your will, O my God, And Your law is within my heart." 9 I have proclaimed the good news of righteousness In the great assembly; Indeed, I do not restrain my lips, O Lord, You Yourself know. 10 I have not hidden Your righteousness within my heart; I have declared Your faithfulness and Your salvation; I have not concealed Your lovingkindness and Your truth From the great assembly.
11 Do not withhold Your tender mercies from me, O Lord; Let Your lovingkindness and Your truth continually preserve me. 12 For innumerable evils have surrounded me; My iniquities have overtaken me, so that I am not able to look up; They are more than the hairs of my head; Therefore my heart fails me. 13 Be pleased, O Lord, to deliver me; O Lord, make haste to help me! 14 Let them be ashamed and brought to mutual confusion Who seek to destroy my life; Let them be driven backward and brought to dishonor Who wish me evil. 15 Let them be confounded because of their shame, Who say to me, "Aha, aha!" 16 Let all those who seek You rejoice and be glad in You; Let such as love Your salvation say continually, "The Lord be magnified!" 17 But I am poor and needy; Yet the Lord thinks upon me. You are my help and my deliverer; Do not delay, O my God.
Have a blessed day,
Donna Meadows
