I can't believe that Rex has been gone since August 2007. It's hard to believe that we are starting 2010 already. 2009 was a year that really marked my life with some intense personal pruning. I focused on some of those ugly habits or parts of my life that didn't honor God. Selfishness, gluttony, self-control, and lack of discipline are just a few. Having some victory with some of these areas was very satisfying and made me long for more victory in my life. It motivated me to continue tackling these ugly areas, setting goals to carry me on. More than that, it filled me with a happiness I haven't felt in several years. I was definitely looking forward to 2010 to see what God had in store for me and my family.
One thing I have learned is that whenever you are doing great, the evil one is lurking to bring you down. I didn't expect my setback to be in the form of a movie. I decided to watch a particular movie on New Year's Eve and thought I knew what it was about. It didn't seem to be a tear jerker to me from the description. As I watched it, it was a rendering that brought very real emotions to the surface: emotions that I thought that I was immune to now, emotions that I was sure were over and dealt with, the emotions of losing Rex. Had I known, I would have never watched this movie, at least, not on New Year's Eve. I sobbed and felt just as I did days after he left this world.
New Year's Eve is a time when you are saying goodbye to one year and embracing a new year. It's a time when you can close the unwanted and start fresh with the wanted. It's a time when you make resolutions to do even more or be even better than before. So, no, New Year's Eve was not the time to plunge myself in something that was sure to torment me.
These last five days, the first five days of this new year have been quite sorrowful for me. I have sobbed and cried again over the hurt of losing Rex. I know that God does not want this hurt to perpetuate throughout my life. I've already grieved; I accept that God has a plan. I relish how He is molding me to fit His plan. So, it's not that I don't want to move beyond that part of my life. Yet, once in a while, it grips my heart and holds me hostage.
That sorrow spilled over into other areas. The evil one was whispering thoughts of failure and disappointment to me. Memories of offenses and personal failures were brought to the surface. It has been a real shock to me to be going through this. First, I am not a person who lives my life based on my feelings. Secondly, most of these offenses were things that I haven't thought of in a long, long time so it wasn't anything that I was harboring in my heart. Being bombarded with memory after memory was wearing me down. Suddenly, my light-hearted anticipation for a new year was looking bleak to me.
Whenever I feel oppressed, I want to curl up and block out everyone and retreat into myself. Sometimes, I start out that way, but then something will happen to turn things around for me. God will give me a glimpse of Him that will jar me to reality. There are times that it might be something subtle and then sometimes it's pretty outstanding. Either way, I am brought to tears as I am reminded once again that the Father loves me.
Then, I try to immerse myself deeper into God's arms of safety. I surround myself with encouraging music, pray often, read the Bible and anything else that defies evil. I repeat His truth over and over to dispel the lies and lift the cloud around me. It's an amazing thing really to feel that darkness lift from my soul.
I wanted to share the glimpse that God gave me this time to help bring my eyes in focus to truth. I was wallowing in all these negative thoughts about my life and current circumstances. Out of the blue, Rachael, my 2 year old, started singing loud and with much emotion a song that I had never heard her sing, "Jesus Jesus at your feet, Oh, to dwell and never leave; there is no where else for me." It stunned me really. These are lyrics from a Casting Crowns song on their newest CD. The name of the song is At Your Feet:
Here at Your feet, I lay my past down
My wanderings, all my mistakes down
And I am free
Here at Your feet, I lay this day down
Not in my strength, but in Yours I’ve found
All I need, You’re all I need
Jesus, Jesus, at Your feet
Oh, to dwell and never leave
Jesus, Jesus, at Your feet
There is nowhere else for me
There is nowhere else for me
Here at Your feet, I lay my future down
All of my dreams, I give to You now
And I find peace, I find peace
Here at Your feet, I lay my life down
For You my King, You’re all I want now
And my soul sings...
‘Cause I am free (here at Your feet)
All I need (is at Your feet)
I find peace
We’re at Your feet
We’re at Your feet
And I am free (here at Your feet)
All I need (is at Your feet)
I find peace
We’re at Your feet
We’re at Your feet
We’re at Your feet
We’re at Your feet
Here at Your feet
I lay my life down
I would love to say that I was instantly brought out of my despair, but it was my pivotal moment. Another thing I have found helpful when I am struggling is to reveal the truth of my despair to people that will pray for me. I tend to try to "handle" it all on my own. I know these trials and struggles are temporary. Because of that, I usually try to ride the storm and wait for it to run its course. I don't think that is what God wants from us, especially me. When I share, I immediately feel relief start to blanket my heart. God is able to come in and comfort me and give me His wisdom. The evil one tries to tell me that it shows weakness and instability in my life. The truth of it is that it makes me stronger and keeps me from living a life full of pride.
Where does God find you here at the beginning of 2010? Are you living in despair? Are you focused on great things? Lay your life down at His feet and God will shower you with His peace. There is no where else to be.
Exodus 15:2 The Lord is my strength and song, And He has become my salvation; He is my God, and I will praise Him; My father's God, and I will exalt Him.
