Monday, January 21, 2008

I have many nights where deep sorrow reigns in my heart, and I can't stop the tears. I have never experienced anything this hard in life. I am somewhat fumbling in my efforts to develop good coping habits. I am trying not to let these days be a blur of time, but I find myself simply surviving each day waiting for a better tomorrow.

The first four months were marked in my heart as, "He's gone. Rex is gone. He is gone." Then, in December, it changed; instead of him just being gone, it became, "He is not coming back; Rex is never coming back! He's really gone, and he's not coming back." The first four months, I braced myself to become a single parent. I fell into bed exhausted and woke up to clenched fists, a clenched jaw, and an aching body every morning. I finally started to let go of this "holding myself together" routine in December.

As I started to really rest at night and wake up actually feeling rested, the deep sorrow set in. It's certainly not a sorrow for Rex; he is where I want to be. It's not a hopeless sorrow because there will come a day when I will see him again. Nevertheless, it is a sorrow. Rex' physical death was a death to my dream to grow old with Rex, to be able to share our lives together, to rear our children together. For twelve years, these dreams developed, and suddenly they were crushed in a moment.

I think it is fair to say that I got the breath knocked out of me. I don't think that it is ever easy not to get your way. We would be spoiled and unthankful if we got everything that we ever wanted. Wanting Rex to be healed was not an unreasonable request. I don't see the BIG picture of why God didn't grant that request. As a parent, I can understand and appreciate Christ's authority in my life, though.

Psalm 23 1 The LORD is my shepherd; I shall not want. 2 He maketh me to lie down in green pastures: he leadeth me beside the still waters. 3 He restoreth my soul: he leadeth me in the paths of righteousness for his name's sake. 4 Yea, though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I will fear no evil: for thou art with me; thy rod and thy staff they comfort me. 5 Thou preparest a table before me in the presence of mine enemies: thou anointest my head with oil; my cup runneth over. 6 Surely goodness and mercy shall follow me all the days of my life: and I will dwell in the house of the LORD for ever

As I read it, this is what I heard:

The Lord takes care of me and my needs. I can rest in His provision. I can walk through each day with a peaceful heart. He restores me from sorrow, grief, and pain. He is guiding and protecting me each day. Though my sorrow is so strong and it feels like death, this too shall pass. Even in my sadness, you have not forgotten or forsaken me. You comfort me every time I look in Your Word and sense Your presence in my heart. You give me what I need and so much more; Your faithfulness never wavers. I belong to you and will one day live in Your Kingdom forever.

Hope, even in the dark times, there is hope.

Over the last several years toward the end of the year, Rex and I would pray for God to give us an anchor verse or a "theme verse" for the next year. We found it to be rewarding spiritually in our relationship to Christ and in our marriage. As I asked God to give me a verse for 2008, I believe that He guided me to Philippians 3:10.

Phil 3:10 [For my determined purpose is] that I may know Him [that I may progressively become more deeply and intimately acquainted with Him, perceiving and recognizing and understanding the wonders of His Person more strongly and more clearly], and that I may in that same way come to know the power outflowing from His resurrection [which it exerts over believers], and that I may so share His sufferings as to be continually transformed [in spirit into His likeness even] to His death, [in the hope]

There's no doubt that 2007 marks the hardest year of my life so far. I firmly believe in living a purpose driven life, one that drives me closer in my relationship with Jesus Christ. I want my determined purpose to be to know God, see like God, be like God.

What is your determined purpose for 2008?

From time to time, I will latch on to a song that resonates with my heartbeat. It will have special meaning to me and express what I am thinking and feeling. As I start 2008, there is a song that articulates what is deep within me. It is a song that has been out for a while, and I have always liked it. Lord, I Believe in You by Crystal Lewis -- as I endure the pain of loss, there is nothing that makes me feel better than knowing that I have a Holy Lord who cares and gives me a deep and unspeakable joy.

No matter how much I hurt or want to say "WHY", I always come back to this truth: Jesus was born from above; He is the one and only true way to the Father's heart. He died for ME!!! He suffered and died for MY sin! He conquered death and the grave so that I can live eternally! Jesus suffered for me. How can I wallow in my own suffering knowing this? To do this, would be selfish and unappreciative of the price that Christ paid for my sin.

Read the lyrics of this song:

Though I can't see Your holy face
And Your throne in heaven above
It seems so far away
Though I can't touch your nail scarred hands
I have a deep and unspeakable joy
That makes my faith to stand

Lord, I believe in You
I'll always believe in You
Though I can't see you with my eyes
Deep in my heart
Your presence I find
Lord, I believe in You
And I'll keep my trust in You
Let the whole world say what they may
No one can take this joy away
Lord, I believe

Born from above
You are Gods only chosen one
You're the one and only true way
To the Fathers heart
You died for all sin
Then you rose and now live again
Conquering death and the grave
So that I might live

Lord, I believe in You
I'll always believe in You
Though I can't see you with my eyes
Deep in my heart
Your presence I find
Lord, I believe in You
And I'll keep my trust in You
Let the whole world say what they may
No one can take this joy away
Lord, I believe

You can hear it in this you tube video: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=HabUwQIcgPw

I am going through my season of grief. It is not easy. There are a lot of tears involved. There are a lot of questions to ask. There is a lot of re-evaluating of self to do. There are a lot of feelings to face: anger, blame, regret, loneliness, self-pity, guilt, insecurity, depression, forgiveness, fear -- there really seems to be no end to it. At the end of the day, when all is said and done, I am so very thankful that regardless of the feelings that grip my heart at any given moment, I can run to Jesus and He will give me rest. I can call on His name, whether aloud or in my heart, and I know that He hears my cry because I feel His presence deep in my heart. It simply says, "I am here, Donna, I am here. Don't fret. I have not forgotten or turned my back on you. I am here, my child, to carry you through this."

If you are His child, He carries you, too. Call on Him for comfort.

Donna Meadows

Sunday, February 3, 2008

Today would have been Rex' 40th birthday if he were here.

It has been an emotional day for me. The girls wanted to spend this day with Rex' family, so that is what we did. I can't say that it was a blast for me because it was something to get through.

Rex' favorite cake was a lemon pound cake. At the last minute, I decided to make one this afternoon in honor of him. I got so mad at myself because I never made them for him when he was alive. Why in the world didn't I make him this cake? He let me know on more than one occasion that he loved this cake, and yet I didn't take the time to do this for him. Today, when I decided to bake this cake, I was standing in my kitchen by myself, and I sobbed -- why didn't I do this for him when he was living? Why was I always taking and demanding from him instead of loving him?

I remember all these moments we had together, and I am really sad that I wasn't a better wife to him. He was a much better husband than I was a wife. I struggle with regret in this way. I can never bake a cake for him and see him enjoy it; I can never buy him another birthday present and see him smile. It's these moments that are so hard to let go of.

Rex used to love to watch sports, but after he got saved, he rarely sat down to watch them. He used to tell me that if he couldn't spend two hours with God reading his Bible and praying, then he didn't feel comfortable sitting down to watch a 2 hour game. So, he didn't spend a lot of time watching sports. One game he did watch every year was the Super Bowl, so I thought it was ironic that his 40th birthday, his first birthday in heaven was on Super Bowl Sunday.

I don't really have much to say; I only wanted to mark Rex' birthday. I really miss him.

God bless,