We are quickly coming up on the 1 year anniversary of Rex' death on August 10th. This past year has been a blur, a long process, and a blink of an eye all mixed together and baked at 400 degrees.
June and July have by far been the hardest. I find myself re-living his last two months with us. We were married for 12 years, yet the last 2 months are the ones I think about when I think about Rex. They were such intense months that it overshadows all my other memories. I am sure that there will come a day when the good times will come back to my mind quicker, and I will be able to remember Rex pre-cancer.
The girls and I have adjusted to our current family physiognomy. The girls don't say a whole lot about Rex to me these days unless I bring it up. Out of all the milestones that we have had to go through on our first year, I was most concerned about Father's Day, and it was simply because I hurt for my girls.
I didn't think to try to get us out of our regular element for that day; as it turns out, I ended up taking a business trip that had us out of town on Father's Day. I am very grateful for God covering our needs and wants throughout this past year even when I didn't know what they were at the time. Not only has He covered our milestones, he has indeed given me something to focus on in the last couple of months that motivates me daily and gives me something to smile about as I see God unfolding how He is going to accomplish some dreams He has given me.
I am constantly amazed at the truth that I discover each day about the Holy God that created me. When I think about God, I am in awe that He loves me.
A big area of growth in my life the last several weeks has to do with letting go of the peripherals of my life, those seemingly important things that affect our lives. I have spent a great deal of time focusing on the details and plans in my life instead of focusing on Jesus. The details I was focusing on aren't bad things, but it certainly wasn't the BEST thing.
Matthew 6:25-34
25 Therefore I say unto you, Take no thought for your life, what ye shall eat, or what ye shall drink; nor yet for your body, what ye shall put on. Is not the life more than meat, and the body than raiment? 26 Behold the fowls of the air: for they sow not, neither do they reap, nor gather into barns; yet your heavenly Father feedeth them. Are ye not much better than they? 27 Which of you by taking thought can add one cubit unto his stature? 28 And why take ye thought for raiment? Consider the lilies of the field, how they grow; they toil not, neither do they spin: 29 And yet I say unto you, That even Solomon in all his glory was not arrayed like one of these. 30 Wherefore, if God so clothe the grass of the field, which to day is, and to morrow is cast into the oven, shall he not much more clothe you, O ye of little faith? 31 Therefore take no thought, saying, What shall we eat? or, What shall we drink? or, Wherewithal shall we be clothed? 32 (For after all these things do the Gentiles seek:) for your heavenly Father knoweth that ye have need of all these things. 33 But seek ye first the kingdom of God, and his righteousness; and all these things shall be added unto you. 34 Take therefore no thought for the morrow: for the morrow shall take thought for the things of itself. Sufficient unto the day is the evil thereof.
I always looked at this passage as a passage of scripture that was to minister to the "worrier." Worrying has never been a personal weakness of mine. I have the mentality that worrying is not going to do a bit of good, so don't worry. However, as a widow, I found myself suddenly "being in charge," and I didn't want to mess up.
I found myself fretting many times over God's perfect plan for my life and making sure that I know His will for my life. I have many times sought God earnestly asking Him to reveal His will to me and guide my footsteps. I finally realized one day that instead of always seeking His will, I need to seek God Himself.
Deuteronomy 4:29 But if from thence thou shalt seek the Lord thy God, thou shalt find Him, if thou seek Him with all thy heart and with all thy soul.
If I seek God, if I seek to know God Himself, then I will find Him and when I find Him, I will know His will for my life. I was totally liberated when I realized this. I was released from all of the heavy burdens of making decisions and knowing exactly what I should do about this situation and that opportunity. I was released from wondering how God was going to be a Father to my children. I was released from the intense pressure that I am the only remaining parent. I was released from thinking that I had to do this or do that in order for my family to survive.
All I have to do is SEEK HIM, and all the rest will be added unto me. His plan, His will, His protection, His provision -- it will all be added to me. I don't have to spend my efforts seeking His plan, His will, His protection and provision; I need to seek God.
What happens when we seek God? Draw near to God and He will draw near to you. James 4:8
If He is near, then I am protected, provided for and guided. What a relief!!!
Let me go a step further. There is a reason that I came to this understanding. I went back to my post where I talked about my theme verse for 2008.
http://donnameadows.blogspot.com/2008_02_01_archive.html
Phil 3:10 [For my determined purpose is] that I may know Him [that I may progressively become more deeply and intimately acquainted with Him, perceiving and recognizing and understanding the wonders of His Person more strongly and more clearly], and that I may in that same way come to know the power outflowing from His resurrection [which it exerts over believers], and that I may so share His sufferings as to be continually transformed [in spirit into His likeness even] to His death, [in the hope]
Here I believed that this was my verse for 2008, but I had no idea exactly how God was going to use this in my life. He has taken this verse, and He has developed in me the desire to seek Him. He has done this by releasing me from what I thought I was supposed to do - seek His will. His plan for my life will be revealed and laid before me without my agonizing over it, if only I pursue Him.
My whole perspective has changed on how I approach my quiet time. I used to tackle my Bible reading with a mindset that I was going to be spoken to or given more insight and understanding. I thought that I was going to learn how to be a better Christian. Is this wrong? No, because all of these things will happen.
I found a better approach. Now, I can sit and read His Word and say, "Lord show me YOU; show me who you are; show me your passions; tell me your desires; let me see your heartbeat; give me that heartbeat. Lord, demonstrate your power, your righteousness to me. Let me understand what your holiness means. I want to know everything about You. Don't let me miss a thing." This approach has caused the words of scripture to come alive and fill my heart with a passion to see God and know God. Once you have this passion, everything else becomes so secondary that it almost seems trivial.
Is God's plan important? Absolutely. But, when you compare it to knowing Jesus, you realize that all of the peripheral parts of our lives fall into place without our efforts if we pursue knowing Him.
What is it about Jesus that you love? You answer to this can reveal to yourself alot about the condition of your heart. It cuts through the surface.
Think about it and seek to know Jesus today.
God bless,
Donna Meadows
