Wednesday, September 1, 2010

This post is long overdue. I thought I had blogged more recently than I had.

It's been 3 years since Rex has been gone. It's hard to believe that in some ways. I miss Rex and all that he offered to our lives. When you lose someone, you have to choose to remain in pain or choose to continue to live. I know Rex wanted me to continue to live, so I have done that. It means that I have to essentially lay down that pain and purposefully, walk away from it. Still, there are those stabs of pain that will always be there to grip you once again when you are least prepared for it. I suspect that there will always be those times but that they will come fewer and far between as time goes on.

The girls have had a fabulous summer where they have gotten to do lots of fun things that were graciously given to them. It was a total delight to see them enjoy their summer, to see them enjoying life like I hadn't seen since losing their dad. It was significant for them to realize that while life is different, while life is a bit harder on them, they can still enjoy their childhood. I believe that this summer will go down as one of their best memories of childhood. I am very grateful for that.

I have been pretty intense and vigilant in trying to surround my children with an environment and home where they can grieve and ultimately, heal. I have tried to be very observant to behaviour that signals that the healing process is suffering. I have been concerned for each of my girls for different reasons. As I observe how they tend to deal with things, I want to reach for their weaknesses and help them. I have learned a lot about myself through this process as well.

My biggest recent discovery was how much I internalized as I was growing up. Any problem, any hurt, any confusion was internalized; if I couldn't figure it out, then it was left unresolved. Watching Lindsey do the same thing opened my eyes to my own temperament. I also understood that this changed without my intentions when Rex' illness was diagnosed. Suddenly, I wanted prayer more than anything, and it became important to me to verbalize it all. It was this openness that helped me deal with my grief and put me on a path to healing. So, when I started seeing Lindsey keep everything inside, I knew that I needed to work on her being able to talk about her thoughts and feelings. It's a work in progress.

I expect Erin and Amber to revisit their grief at different stages or milestones of life such as becoming a teenager, turning 16, graduation, etc. For the most part, I believe that they have come to accept that God is in control, and He has a plan for them through this, a special plan that God has just for them. They have both had times where they have openly discussed the loss of their dad through speeches that they have given at school. This has been a huge part of their own healing. I know that because this blog has done that for me.

I never really expected Rachael to grieve what she did not know. I knew she would probably have a sadness about having never known her dad, but didn't really expect her to grieve him. I also have thought that she was so young at the time he died, that there was still plenty of time for her to have someone someday to look to as "dad." With that, she has seen many pictures of him and watched videos of him. She recognizes her dad in pictures, and understands as best as she can for her age that he is with Jesus in heaven now. He doesn't live with us anymore, but he wanted to live with us. God had a different plan for daddy.

Early this summer, we had a chance to go to the beach for a few days unexpectedly while Erin was at camp. We were traveling to our destination and about 15 minutes before we arrived at our room, we went by this particular restaurant that has a vivid memory for me. It was a restaurant that we had patronized on one of our beach trips when Lindsey was a baby. As we passed it, I asked Amber if she remembered eating there with daddy. She said yes. I looked in the rearview mirror and saw Lindsey's brow furrowed. I instantly knew that she was trying to think deeply in her memory and recall that occasion. I quickly said to Lindsey that she wouldn't remember that because she was just a baby. Relief flooded Lindsey's face as she was released from a memory she didn't have. At about that time, Rachael spoke up and said, "I want to eat there with daddy." Of course, I was not expecting this at all. I instantly went into thought about that statement thinking that I wish she could eat there with her daddy, but I said nothing. Again, she said, "I want to eat there with daddy." My thoughts were, I know baby, I know. But, still I said nothing. A third time, "I want to eat there with daddy." I knew that I was going to have to respond to her. I was so entrenched in my thoughts of shock that I didn't realize that I had not answered her. All of a sudden, Lindsey spoke up very harshly and said, "You CAN'T go eat there with daddy!" This was not the voice of someone trying to be mean, she was venting her own frustration with that very same thought. As soon as Lindsey said that, Rachael started bawling. She wasn't just crying about Lindsey speaking harshly to her. It was very apparent that she was lamenting that she couldn't eat there with her daddy. She kept saying in between sobs, "I want my daddy. I want my daddy." I told her that I was sorry her daddy wasn't here for her. She wept hard. I felt so bad for her. There wasn't anything I could do except tell her that I was sorry and cry too. She sobbed the rest of the trip to our room. It was a very sobering end to our drive to the beach.

It opened my eyes to the reality that Rachael will grieve her dad too. It will be a different kind of grief, but she will grieve nevertheless. I am not sure what I can do to help her through this. The rest of us can't relate to the pain she will have because we did have him for a time in our lives. All she has is a few pictures of him holding her and the memories that are ours, not hers.

Rachael came to me a couple of weeks ago, and showed me this picture she had decorated with stickers. She had put it up for display on the doorway of her room. She said that she made it for her daddy. I showed excitement for her and told her that it was a great picture. Then, I asked her if she wanted to ask Jesus to show it to daddy since he couldn't be here. She nodded her head. So, we prayed right then for Jesus to take her picture and show it to her daddy and tell him that Rachael made it for him. When we got done, Rachael jumped down and ran off to play. I am hoping that in her little mind that this was a step in the process of her own healing.

Overall, I've seen the girls grow in depth as a result of their loss. We talk frequently about specific memories we have of Rex to keep them alive and close to our hearts. And, as they make new memories, they sometimes struggle with feeling a false sense of guilt for enjoying life. I have to remind them that their dad wants them to live life to the fullest.

Proverbs 19:21 Many are the plans in a man's heart, but it is the LORD's purpose that prevails.

It is easy to look at life and feel sad at the seemingly injustices that life has to offer. We must remember that regardless of our plans, regardless of our wants and desires, God's plan prevails. He created us for a purpose, and within the realm of His purpose is where we find our comfort, our contentment and our confidence to face difficulties and disappointments in life.

Have a blessed day.

Donna

Tuesday, January 5, 2010

I can't believe that Rex has been gone since August 2007. It's hard to believe that we are starting 2010 already. 2009 was a year that really marked my life with some intense personal pruning. I focused on some of those ugly habits or parts of my life that didn't honor God. Selfishness, gluttony, self-control, and lack of discipline are just a few. Having some victory with some of these areas was very satisfying and made me long for more victory in my life. It motivated me to continue tackling these ugly areas, setting goals to carry me on. More than that, it filled me with a happiness I haven't felt in several years. I was definitely looking forward to 2010 to see what God had in store for me and my family.

One thing I have learned is that whenever you are doing great, the evil one is lurking to bring you down. I didn't expect my setback to be in the form of a movie. I decided to watch a particular movie on New Year's Eve and thought I knew what it was about. It didn't seem to be a tear jerker to me from the description. As I watched it, it was a rendering that brought very real emotions to the surface: emotions that I thought that I was immune to now, emotions that I was sure were over and dealt with, the emotions of losing Rex. Had I known, I would have never watched this movie, at least, not on New Year's Eve. I sobbed and felt just as I did days after he left this world.

New Year's Eve is a time when you are saying goodbye to one year and embracing a new year. It's a time when you can close the unwanted and start fresh with the wanted. It's a time when you make resolutions to do even more or be even better than before. So, no, New Year's Eve was not the time to plunge myself in something that was sure to torment me.

These last five days, the first five days of this new year have been quite sorrowful for me. I have sobbed and cried again over the hurt of losing Rex. I know that God does not want this hurt to perpetuate throughout my life. I've already grieved; I accept that God has a plan. I relish how He is molding me to fit His plan. So, it's not that I don't want to move beyond that part of my life. Yet, once in a while, it grips my heart and holds me hostage.

That sorrow spilled over into other areas. The evil one was whispering thoughts of failure and disappointment to me. Memories of offenses and personal failures were brought to the surface. It has been a real shock to me to be going through this. First, I am not a person who lives my life based on my feelings. Secondly, most of these offenses were things that I haven't thought of in a long, long time so it wasn't anything that I was harboring in my heart. Being bombarded with memory after memory was wearing me down. Suddenly, my light-hearted anticipation for a new year was looking bleak to me.

Whenever I feel oppressed, I want to curl up and block out everyone and retreat into myself. Sometimes, I start out that way, but then something will happen to turn things around for me. God will give me a glimpse of Him that will jar me to reality. There are times that it might be something subtle and then sometimes it's pretty outstanding. Either way, I am brought to tears as I am reminded once again that the Father loves me.

Then, I try to immerse myself deeper into God's arms of safety. I surround myself with encouraging music, pray often, read the Bible and anything else that defies evil. I repeat His truth over and over to dispel the lies and lift the cloud around me. It's an amazing thing really to feel that darkness lift from my soul.

I wanted to share the glimpse that God gave me this time to help bring my eyes in focus to truth. I was wallowing in all these negative thoughts about my life and current circumstances. Out of the blue, Rachael, my 2 year old, started singing loud and with much emotion a song that I had never heard her sing, "Jesus Jesus at your feet, Oh, to dwell and never leave; there is no where else for me." It stunned me really. These are lyrics from a Casting Crowns song on their newest CD. The name of the song is At Your Feet:

Here at Your feet, I lay my past down
My wanderings, all my mistakes down
And I am free

Here at Your feet, I lay this day down
Not in my strength, but in Yours I’ve found
All I need, You’re all I need

Jesus, Jesus, at Your feet
Oh, to dwell and never leave
Jesus, Jesus, at Your feet
There is nowhere else for me
There is nowhere else for me

Here at Your feet, I lay my future down
All of my dreams, I give to You now
And I find peace, I find peace

Here at Your feet, I lay my life down
For You my King, You’re all I want now
And my soul sings...

‘Cause I am free (here at Your feet)
All I need (is at Your feet)
I find peace
We’re at Your feet
We’re at Your feet

And I am free (here at Your feet)
All I need (is at Your feet)
I find peace
We’re at Your feet
We’re at Your feet
We’re at Your feet
We’re at Your feet

Here at Your feet
I lay my life down

I would love to say that I was instantly brought out of my despair, but it was my pivotal moment. Another thing I have found helpful when I am struggling is to reveal the truth of my despair to people that will pray for me. I tend to try to "handle" it all on my own. I know these trials and struggles are temporary. Because of that, I usually try to ride the storm and wait for it to run its course. I don't think that is what God wants from us, especially me. When I share, I immediately feel relief start to blanket my heart. God is able to come in and comfort me and give me His wisdom. The evil one tries to tell me that it shows weakness and instability in my life. The truth of it is that it makes me stronger and keeps me from living a life full of pride.

Where does God find you here at the beginning of 2010? Are you living in despair? Are you focused on great things? Lay your life down at His feet and God will shower you with His peace. There is no where else to be.

Exodus 15:2 The Lord is my strength and song, And He has become my salvation; He is my God, and I will praise Him; My father's God, and I will exalt Him.