This post is long overdue. I thought I had blogged more recently than I had.
It's been 3 years since Rex has been gone. It's hard to believe that in some ways. I miss Rex and all that he offered to our lives. When you lose someone, you have to choose to remain in pain or choose to continue to live. I know Rex wanted me to continue to live, so I have done that. It means that I have to essentially lay down that pain and purposefully, walk away from it. Still, there are those stabs of pain that will always be there to grip you once again when you are least prepared for it. I suspect that there will always be those times but that they will come fewer and far between as time goes on.
The girls have had a fabulous summer where they have gotten to do lots of fun things that were graciously given to them. It was a total delight to see them enjoy their summer, to see them enjoying life like I hadn't seen since losing their dad. It was significant for them to realize that while life is different, while life is a bit harder on them, they can still enjoy their childhood. I believe that this summer will go down as one of their best memories of childhood. I am very grateful for that.
I have been pretty intense and vigilant in trying to surround my children with an environment and home where they can grieve and ultimately, heal. I have tried to be very observant to behaviour that signals that the healing process is suffering. I have been concerned for each of my girls for different reasons. As I observe how they tend to deal with things, I want to reach for their weaknesses and help them. I have learned a lot about myself through this process as well.
My biggest recent discovery was how much I internalized as I was growing up. Any problem, any hurt, any confusion was internalized; if I couldn't figure it out, then it was left unresolved. Watching Lindsey do the same thing opened my eyes to my own temperament. I also understood that this changed without my intentions when Rex' illness was diagnosed. Suddenly, I wanted prayer more than anything, and it became important to me to verbalize it all. It was this openness that helped me deal with my grief and put me on a path to healing. So, when I started seeing Lindsey keep everything inside, I knew that I needed to work on her being able to talk about her thoughts and feelings. It's a work in progress.
I expect Erin and Amber to revisit their grief at different stages or milestones of life such as becoming a teenager, turning 16, graduation, etc. For the most part, I believe that they have come to accept that God is in control, and He has a plan for them through this, a special plan that God has just for them. They have both had times where they have openly discussed the loss of their dad through speeches that they have given at school. This has been a huge part of their own healing. I know that because this blog has done that for me.
I never really expected Rachael to grieve what she did not know. I knew she would probably have a sadness about having never known her dad, but didn't really expect her to grieve him. I also have thought that she was so young at the time he died, that there was still plenty of time for her to have someone someday to look to as "dad." With that, she has seen many pictures of him and watched videos of him. She recognizes her dad in pictures, and understands as best as she can for her age that he is with Jesus in heaven now. He doesn't live with us anymore, but he wanted to live with us. God had a different plan for daddy.
Early this summer, we had a chance to go to the beach for a few days unexpectedly while Erin was at camp. We were traveling to our destination and about 15 minutes before we arrived at our room, we went by this particular restaurant that has a vivid memory for me. It was a restaurant that we had patronized on one of our beach trips when Lindsey was a baby. As we passed it, I asked Amber if she remembered eating there with daddy. She said yes. I looked in the rearview mirror and saw Lindsey's brow furrowed. I instantly knew that she was trying to think deeply in her memory and recall that occasion. I quickly said to Lindsey that she wouldn't remember that because she was just a baby. Relief flooded Lindsey's face as she was released from a memory she didn't have. At about that time, Rachael spoke up and said, "I want to eat there with daddy." Of course, I was not expecting this at all. I instantly went into thought about that statement thinking that I wish she could eat there with her daddy, but I said nothing. Again, she said, "I want to eat there with daddy." My thoughts were, I know baby, I know. But, still I said nothing. A third time, "I want to eat there with daddy." I knew that I was going to have to respond to her. I was so entrenched in my thoughts of shock that I didn't realize that I had not answered her. All of a sudden, Lindsey spoke up very harshly and said, "You CAN'T go eat there with daddy!" This was not the voice of someone trying to be mean, she was venting her own frustration with that very same thought. As soon as Lindsey said that, Rachael started bawling. She wasn't just crying about Lindsey speaking harshly to her. It was very apparent that she was lamenting that she couldn't eat there with her daddy. She kept saying in between sobs, "I want my daddy. I want my daddy." I told her that I was sorry her daddy wasn't here for her. She wept hard. I felt so bad for her. There wasn't anything I could do except tell her that I was sorry and cry too. She sobbed the rest of the trip to our room. It was a very sobering end to our drive to the beach.
It opened my eyes to the reality that Rachael will grieve her dad too. It will be a different kind of grief, but she will grieve nevertheless. I am not sure what I can do to help her through this. The rest of us can't relate to the pain she will have because we did have him for a time in our lives. All she has is a few pictures of him holding her and the memories that are ours, not hers.
Rachael came to me a couple of weeks ago, and showed me this picture she had decorated with stickers. She had put it up for display on the doorway of her room. She said that she made it for her daddy. I showed excitement for her and told her that it was a great picture. Then, I asked her if she wanted to ask Jesus to show it to daddy since he couldn't be here. She nodded her head. So, we prayed right then for Jesus to take her picture and show it to her daddy and tell him that Rachael made it for him. When we got done, Rachael jumped down and ran off to play. I am hoping that in her little mind that this was a step in the process of her own healing.
Overall, I've seen the girls grow in depth as a result of their loss. We talk frequently about specific memories we have of Rex to keep them alive and close to our hearts. And, as they make new memories, they sometimes struggle with feeling a false sense of guilt for enjoying life. I have to remind them that their dad wants them to live life to the fullest.
Proverbs 19:21 Many are the plans in a man's heart, but it is the LORD's purpose that prevails.
It is easy to look at life and feel sad at the seemingly injustices that life has to offer. We must remember that regardless of our plans, regardless of our wants and desires, God's plan prevails. He created us for a purpose, and within the realm of His purpose is where we find our comfort, our contentment and our confidence to face difficulties and disappointments in life.
Have a blessed day.
Donna
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