This picture was taken by Rex on our last family trip that we took in March 2007 to Cocoa Beach, FL.
Each month, I mentally mark off those special days that I go through for the first time without Rex. It's almost like a countdown in my mind. So far, in 8 months, we have been through all of our birthdays except Rachael's. We have been through Thanksgiving, Christmas, Valentine's Day, Easter, and our wedding anniversary (the ones that matter to me). The notches for March were Easter and our wedding anniversary. As I go through each of these significant days, I think to myself, "Well, I got through that one." And, then I count what I have left to go through for the year.
I guess because I do this, when I actually get to these special days and holidays, they really aren't that bad. I approach them with great awareness. Then, later, when I let my guard down after I get through them, sometimes a week later, I am engulfed with sadness and the tears flow.
I haven't been able to pinpoint what triggers a good day from a bad one. The bad days come like a thief in the night. They are really hard. They are marked with incredible sadness, lots of tears, and a "I can't believe he's gone" stunned feeling. When I think back over the last two years, I absolutely can't believe that I have been through all of this. I can't believe that we have been through all of this. It still astounds me.
Sure, I am stronger; I have definitely been handed some credentials to help others. I have certainly gotten a better handle on grace and compassion. I have gained an understanding of what it means to be in the pit of suffering, emotional suffering. I know what it is to grieve and mourn.
In my last update I talked about being able to experience joy and sadness at the same time. However, I don't think that it is possible to be suffering and be happy at the same time. I have joy; it is the knowledge that a better day is coming; it is the understanding that through the ups and downs of life, I have hope; I have eternal life with God. Happiness is not the same as joy. Happiness is what you have in the good times of life. It permeates your entire being and makes everything good. It has been a long time since I felt genuinely happy. I have happy moments, but they last only as long as the moment. It doesn't penetrate and doesn't make everything good. When you are happy, you overlook shortcomings and failures -- all is good. Happiness is a very gratifying feeling.
God did not promise us a happy life. Life is full of ups and downs. It would be very foolish to believe that I could always be happy. That is not realistic at all. I had a dream a few weeks ago, and in that dream, I was very happy. It was such a euphoric feeling. It was great. I woke up and still felt the effects of it; I had forgotten what it felt like. As I pondered my dream and my delight in it, I realized that it has been a long time since I felt that gratifying, satisfying, healthy cheerfulness. It has been a long time since I have felt light-hearted. I long for that feeling again. I think about that dream often and really crave a season of genuine-to-the-core happiness. At the core, I am not content with my life. I don't quite know how to turn my grief into true contentment.
One thing that I think has helped me often in my suffering is to be able to constantly look around and see someone else who is suffering, someone who is going through something harder or more difficult. There are many, many situations that are far worse than what we are experiencing. As I approached this Easter, I specifically thought about Jesus' suffering.
When Jesus lived on this earth, He was a perfect, sinless man who suffered probably all of His life on this earth. I think about how life was as a little boy knowing absolute truth, being absolutely perfect and surrounded with imperfect parents, imperfect siblings, imperfect peers. The resentment and ridicule that was extended toward him had to be endless. It surely followed Him everywhere He went. He was probably constantly revered in a love/hate way, loved because he had all the qualities that we like in others and hated because He was a reminder of our failures. You look at any family that has a favored child and you can sense the unfairness that exists and/or the resentment and bitterness by the others. If one of my children were perfect, sinless, I have to say that it would be really difficult not to favor that child, the child who is ALWAYS obedient and respectful. As a sibling, I know there would be strife in my heart if I grew up in Jesus' shadow never measuring up, and I probably wouldn't have been very nice to Him at times.
Then, as Jesus became a young adult, he was ridiculed and plotted against simply for giving people hope and life. He was tempted with food when he was very hungry; Jesus hadn't eaten in 40 days. He was tempted with peace when Satan offered to give up enmity with Jesus; He was tempted with reclaiming His throne when God Almighty lowered himself to live as a man.
Jesus was beaten beyond recognition and mocked for doing absolutely nothing wrong. Jesus endured all of this because He was the perfect sacrifice to pay for our sins. He was beaten and crucified because of MY sin. He suffered for me, for you.
Jesus suffered emotional pain; Jesus suffered physical pain; Jesus suffered mental pain. I know that there are people around me who are suffering more than I am, but no one is suffering or has ever suffered more than Jesus did on this earth. When you wrap your mind around that reality, then you can begin to understand that God loves in the midst of great personal suffering. God became suffering to save us from a hopeless eternity. God became suffering so that we can have life and have it generously. God suffered to give us an example.
Going back to the temptations that you find in Matthew 4, Mark 1 and Luke 4, I have to say that I have never put myself in Jesus' shoes regarding His temptations before this year. I dismissed it in the past on the grounds that Jesus was God, so He couldn't sin so how hard were the temptations really. It is difficult to understand how Jesus was 100% man and 100% God. This year, I think my eyes were opened. I have much more respect for this passage of Scripture; it has personal meaning to me now.
If you have a hard time with the 100% God and 100% man doctrine, let's look at the temptation of Christ from the 100% God standpoint. So, Jesus couldn't sin because He was God. Think about the temptations, these clearly show that He is not like us.
Can you refrain from eating food for an entire day? A few days? How about 40 days?
Satan offered peace to Jesus if Jesus would bow down and worship him. You and I know that the peace would have been short-lived. Satan would have wreaked havoc anyway. When you have those times that instant peace is offered, do you take it when you know that chaos is sure to follow. A practical example of this is seen many times in our parenting. You have a child who is whining and wanting something and making a big scene in the store. You have a choice. You can either give the child what they want and have instant peace only to realize that you have opened the door for this behavior to continue the next time the child wants something. Or, you can deal with the unruliness, discipline the child, assert your authority and teach the child that this is not acceptable behavior. Then, peace is realized later because the unruly behavior is corrected, not perpetuated.
Satan tempted Jesus to reclaim his throne. Jesus didn't deserve to live as a lowly man. He is the Son of God! How many times have you been treated unfairly at work or in the family or with friends? You haven't gotten the treatment you have earned, the treatment you deserve. Do you attempt to claim your glory? Or, do you hand that right over to God and give God the glory for the abilities that He has given you?
The point is that this clearly shows that God is mighty and powerful and nothing like us. He is 100% God. It distinctly shows our failures as mere humans.
Likewise, God is 100% man. What a man to look up to. He was faced with great temptation, and He overcame it; He had victory. There have been many times when I have given in to temptation. I have struggled with giving up just sugar, let alone food altogether and certainly never for 40 days. While I usually don't choose instant peace, there have been times that I have given in for that moment of peace. I have also gotten mad before when I didn't think I got the recognition that I deserved. How 'bout you?
No matter what you are going through, Jesus suffered more than we ever have or ever will. If you are suffering, try to understand the suffering Jesus endured for you. It was real. It was intense.
Knowing all of this makes Jesus more precious to me. He suffered for me. He died for me. He did it so that He could give me a future in a glorious Heaven, a Heaven that has no suffering, none, zilch, nada!
If you are in that happy season of life. Enjoy it. Know that you are being blessed. You are probably going through a mountain top time in your life. Take a deep breath and savor the moment.
Everything has its time.
Ecclesiastes 3:1-8
1 To everything there is a season,
A time for every purpose under heaven:
2 A time to be born,
And a time to die;
A time to plant,
And a time to pluck what is planted;
3 A time to kill,
And a time to heal;
A time to break down,
And a time to build up;
4 A time to weep,
And a time to laugh;
A time to mourn,
And a time to dance;
5 A time to cast away stones,
And a time to gather stones;
A time to embrace,
And a time to refrain from embracing;
6 A time to gain,
And a time to lose;
A time to keep,
And a time to throw away;
7 A time to tear,
And a time to sew;
A time to keep silence,
And a time to speak;
8 A time to love,
And a time to hate;
A time of war,
And a time of peace.
God is still on the throne no matter what season you are in.
Donna Meadows
