February 2007 A day at the circus

This was our first and only trip to the circus as a family. It was one of those cherished moments. I found this picture as I was rummaging through our photos and felt like publishing it to the blog.

Monday, November 5, 2007

I am trying to take more time to sit down and write more. I still don't have my routines down, but they are getting better every week. I accomplish so much more when I have routines in place. I wanted to send a view of our lives since last month.

When someone asks me if there is anything I need, my mind quickly reflects, and I want to say, "I need Rex." I need my husband, the one who knew me inside out, the one who knew all my flaws, and still liked me. I need the one who knew what made me smile, the one who could diffuse me when I reached my limit, the one who shared my bed. I need the one who loved these girls as much as I do, the one who wanted for them what I want for them, the one who they called "daddy." I need the one who helped take care of all the prosaic, tedious tasks I have to do alone now. I need my confidante, my companion, my best friend. What do I need? I NEED REX, that's what I need! But no one can give me that, so I simply answer, "No, we're ok. I can't think of anything we need." When you can't have the one thing that you need, everything else seems futile. Rex embodied everything that I need. I don't want this to sound unappreciative of those who have asked me this question. I know that this question is genuine. There are only a few questions one can ask someone in mourning. This question is an acknowledgment of my grief. It is an offer of help and support. For that, I am very, very grateful.

I have come to realize that acknowledging one's anguish is very important. It doesn't mean that you have to have the perfect words; simply acknowledging a person's pain brings great comfort. I look back to my previous encounters with others that were going through difficult times, and I am ashamed that there were times when I didn't acknowledge their trial. I believe that ignoring the tough time is the worst response you can give to that person. I think we sometimes think that mentioning the difficulty brings greater pain when, in fact, it assists in healing. It is almost as if we think they have forgotten their pain. Believe me, it is not forgotten. It is one thought behind any conversation.

If there is someone in your environment, someone you work with, live next to, or go to church with that is going through a really tough time, please take the time to simply say, "I am sorry that you are going through this tough time." It will minister to that person. If you want to say more, then do so. At the very least, just acknowledge it. It will touch them deeply.

I am asking God to give the girls a glimpse of His plan for their lives. Whether in a dream, or in their own thoughts, or through His Word, or in our discussions, I would really like them to have a simple glimpse of His purpose in their lives. I don't think it has to be a thorough detailed revelation (we couldn't handle that anyway), just a glimpse of God's plan for them. I think that would help curb any possibilities of bitterness as they grow older. There have been times that I have been given glimpses of God's plan in my life -- it motivates me; it gives me purpose, it excites me. When we believe in our future, it is so much easier to persevere in the things that God has called us to do. It gives us vision. Where there is no vision, there is no direction.

We have had so many opportunities to talk about Rex' death and what it means and why it happened. Whether it is something we have seen on TV or in our school work or in our Bible study, there seems to consistently be moments that creep up that allow us to talk about Rex and God's plan.

For many, many months, I asked God to give me a promise of Rex' healing. Over and over, He would take me to Jeremiah 29:11 For I know the plans I have for you," declares the Lord, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future. And, even though, He would bring this scripture to mind, I never got a peace of Rex' physical healing. I literally begged for that promise and peace. Now... I know that God kept giving me this scripture because he intended it to be for ME. He has plans for me, to give me a future and a hope. He has plans for Erin, Amber, Lindsey, and Rachael to give them a hope and a future. Does that spark sadness that God didn't give Rex hope and a future? NO! Rex is with Almighty God! He has "arrived." Rex is experiencing what we only get to dream about and anticipate. Death has no sting; Rex is not suffering. He is surrounded with total splendor for eternity. If you think of the best possible future that anyone can have here on earth, it could NEVER compare to the joy and peace that Rex has now. I guarantee you that Rex is hoping that each and every one of you are going to meet him someday so that YOU can spend eternity in majesty and total contentment and peace.

When you reflect on what is in your heart, what yearnings do you have? What frustrations or emptiness you do you feel? There is nothing or no one on this earth that can give you what you long for. Jesus is the ONLY one that can fill that corner of your heart. He may seem intangible, but when I lay my head down on my pillow at night and can truly rest, He is tangible to me. When I face a financial difficulty and I have contentment that God will provide for it, He is tangible to me. When I get up each day and I'm excited about what the day holds for me, He is tangible to me. When I feel overwhelmed with being a mother to 4 girls, and God says that He will be a father to the fatherless, He is tangible to me. I can't feel Jesus with my hands, but every part of my inner self feels Him as He makes me complete. I am complete because of Jesus. Doesn't everyone want that? To feel whole and complete and have a peace that can't be explained? Jesus alone can do that for you, but you have to invite Him to do that. He knocks at the door of your heart, longing to give you contentment, protection, peace, security, and eternal life with Him. Just ask Him to do that for you. Satan told Eve in the Garden that if she ate of the tree of knowledge of good and evil that she would have everything she could ever long for. Satan uses that same line today. He tells us that if we make our own choices and live by our own rules, then we will be free. I know no one who is free living this way. It is by giving our life to God that we experience freedom, freedom from stress, worry, uncertainty, loneliness, fear, inferiority. You name it -- Jesus can give you that freedom. He has plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future. Put your trust in Him today.

I have another "toothbrush" story for you. I have loved it when people have told me that they loved the "toothbrush" story. It is a fuzzy feeling for me. So, I think I will call these little glimpses of love that God gives us "Toothbrush Moments." It has a nice ring to it for me. Come to think of it, God brought Rex and I together through a toothbrush moment. Maybe I will tell that story sometime. But, for now, let me share something that happened this morning.

I will start with some background information. Rex was the "plugged in" parent. He was the one who always knew the good and bad in the entertainment industry. He kept up with who was a good role model and who wasn't. Me, I am the one, who listens to WMIT 106.9 and doesn't go anywhere else. So, if it isn't on that radio station, I know nothing about it. Anyway, it was important to him to monitor what kids were listening and watching in the world so that he could be prepared if and when our kids were exposed to it. Along with that, he was our music scout. He would buy the girls CD's of different music groups to encourage them to listen to music that has God honoring lyrics.

Just a few weeks before he died, he had gone out and bought some new music for the girls. One of the CD's was a Britt Nicole CD (whose hometown happens to be Kannapolis, NC). I really didn't pay any attention to it because I assumed that I wouldn't like it; I had heard of her, but didn't know anything about her music. I really can't say why I thought I wouldn't like it, but anyway, I thought it was nice of Rex to do that. As always, I was thankful that he was aware of what was out there. I didn't think about it again until today. Erin was listening to her CD this morning as she was starting school, and she came down and asked me to listen to this song. I thought ok, but I wasn't really expecting much. So, it started and as I listened, I was speechless. I want to share the words of this song, and I know you will understand the significance. The name of it is Don't Worry Now.

Seven years old, you heard me cry
I don’t wanna say goodbye
To the only man that I love
My daddy and everything he was
I don’t think I can live without you
Dad, I know your breaking in two
With tears running down his face, he says we’re gonna make it
We’re gonna make it

When you feel like you are all alone
Just like your best friend up and gone
Don’t worry now
Don’t worry now
I’ve been there yeah,
I know how it feels
To wonder if love is even real
Don’t worry now
Don’t worry now
It’s gonna be ok

I’ve been trying to find a way to understand
When I can’t see the picture of God’s plan
Why would He let us hurt so bad?
Could anything good come of these feeling that I have?
He loved me more than the sand on the beaches
He loved me more than the grass is green
And even though he had to go
I always knew his love was part of me

It’s taken so long to let this go
It’s taken so long to feel that
Your right here next to me
And I can finally breathe
It’s taken so long but now
I know I had to find out on my own
When nothing could convince me
Your love it convinced me
That it’s gonna be ok


What a testament. Again, I think that Rex bought this CD on purpose for this very song. He knew that he wasn't going to be here, and yet he loved us so much, he loved his girls so much that he wanted to leave them with something good. He bought this CD and gave it to them without my knowledge. I didn't even know he had done it until afterwards. When Erin shared this song with me this morning, I cried at yet another peek of God's unending love and faithfulness.

Ask God to give you vision to fulfill His purpose in your life.
Having purpose gives us excitement to forge ahead.

Have a great day.

Donna

Sunday, October 7, 2007

This email has been developing for a few weeks. I have periodically written more, but haven't been able to send it. Before, it was easy for me to tell you about Rex and our family as a whole. Now, it is about me and our family. I have a much harder time telling you about me. I don't really like to be the center of attention. That is why I never mentioned my pregnancy in any of my updates. It brought attention to me, and I didn't want to do that.

I have struggled with whether to send more updates, especially when I am down. I don't want to send an email that brings pity. I don't mind compassion and love, but I don't ever want you to read an email from me and declare it to be "so pitiful."

I had my first dream about Rex a couple of weeks ago. I woke up with my heart pounding and in a state of panic. There was no logic to the dream, but the emotions were very real. In the last couple of months, if I left Rex, I would always make sure he had the phone nearby so he could call me if he needed me. As he got closer to death, I didn't want to leave him or go very far if I did leave. In my dream, I had left him at an amusement park (I told you it had no logic) and told him to call me if he needed me, but that I would be back soon. Well...as I was gone, I was away longer than I had anticipated, and I was surprised that he hadn't called me. So, I called his cell phone and it went straight to voicemail. I knew instantly that his battery was dead, and that was why he hadn't called. I immediately panicked as I tried to rush back to the amusement park to get him. When I got there, I had no clue where to look for him. I was running through the park looking for him everywhere, and I couldn't find him. I could sense that he was in a lot of pain and wanted very much to go home, but I couldn't find him. In my mind, I could see him sitting on a bench hunched over just waiting for me to come. My heart was racing; Rex needed me and I wasn't there. He needed me, and I couldn't find him. I couldn't help him because I couldn't find him. There was so much desperation in my heart as I ran and looked everywhere for him. I just kept saying to myself that, "He needed me and I wasn't there for him. I had failed him because when he needed me I wasn't there." I was so distraught when I woke up; my heart was pounding. I finally had to read to get my mind distracted so that I could calm down.

So often, when I think about Rex' last days, I do feel like I failed him. I couldn't help him. I couldn't take away his pain; I couldn't make him better. No matter how much research I did, no matter how much I read, no matter how much I tried to nourish his body, in the end it didn't help. I tried to take care of him, but it wasn't good enough. It's really difficult to let that feeling of failure go when you try so hard to make it all better. I knew throughout his illness that I didn't want to ever look back at this and say that I didn't give it my all for him. I never wanted to look back at Rex' illness and say that I didn't do everything possible in my power to eradicate this disease from his body. I know that life is ultimately in God's hands, however, I wanted to fulfill my responsibility to his health and well being.

We are coming up on The Promise (the visual portrayal of the life of Christ that our church does each year) again. The girls wanted to participate again. I wasn't opposed to it, but I did talk to the girls about the differences this year; I wanted them to realize that it would be harder this year because of the memories from last year. I wanted them to understand there would be unique emotions that they might experience as a result of daddy not being in it with us. They said that they knew there would be some sadness as we participated, but that they still wanted to be involved. So, we went to the auditions. They thoroughly enjoyed it as they remembered how much they enjoyed it last year. It was awkward for me. I was more like, "Let's get through this." That night as I got the kids in the bed, I felt lonelier than I have felt since Rex has been gone. I cried myself to sleep. I wish he were here. I miss him so much.

Rex and I were married for 12 years, but my most vivid memories right now are all from his sick days. I think that his sick days were so intense for us that it is hard for me to remember the times pre-sick. I expect this to last for a time, and then the good memories will come back to me more.

I remember when my mom was dying, she tried to prepare us for the grief. I specifically remember two things that she shared with me. One, was that, "For a while you will only remember me being sick, but there will come a day when you will remember the real me." And, she was right. The second thing she shared was about her own mother's death: "When my mother died, I wanted a new baby so desperately. I wanted new life to make the one I lost easier to bear." She actually shared these thoughts on more than occasion. After my mom died, I was pregnant (unplanned by us) with Amber within a month. I believe that my mother asked God to give me a child to help me through my loss of her. And, even now, God gave me new life to help with the loss of Rex through Rachael.

Evening times are the hardest around here. Rachael has her fussy time in the evenings, and it usually extends past the older girls' bedtimes. This is when I think the older girls' need my attention the most, and it is hard for me to give it to them as I am tending to Rachael. Rex almost always did bedtime with the girls; he would use this time to read to them, talk with them, disciple them, and pray with them. It was a really sweet, precious time for them with their daddy. Now, he is not here to do that. That's hard enough, but then, I haven't been able to fill that gap because I am taking care of Rachael. They really feel the loss of daddy the most at bedtime. They haven't complained about it, but I can see it in their eyes as they try adjust to our nights being different. I am really looking forward to Rachael getting past those early days of fussy nights. We are starting to get to that point. I have had a chance to actually give each of the girls some individual attention at bedtime the past few nights. Up until now, I was barely able to sit down and pray with them before they went to bed.

You may remember the family that I mentioned in June 2006 that Rex and I had met in Tulsa when we were at the Cancer Treatment Centers of America. Josh, Kristin, and their daughter Patience. Josh had a sarcoma cancer that had started in the muscles between his ribs. Anyway, we have periodically kept in touch with them over this past year. Josh passed away in April just one month shy of being 27. He left behind Kristin (25 years old) and two daughters, Patience and Grace. Grace was born weeks before Josh passed away. He, like Rex, held on to see their baby before his death. Thankfully, he was a believer, and I am sure that he and Rex have met again. When their 2nd daughter was born, he spent several weeks in the hospital during those last days; anytime someone would come in to care for Josh or visit, they would always ask about their little girl, and Josh would always respond, "Her name is Grace; God's grace is sufficient for thee." I don't think that I will ever forget Kristin telling me that. By this time, Josh' remaining lung was barely functioning (Josh had one of his lungs removed after diagnosis). Kristin said that no matter how much he struggled to breathe, he would always pipe up and say this about little Grace before Kristin could get a word in.

I remember when I found out that Josh had passed over into eternity. It was May 21st. I hadn't talked to them in a while, and suddenly I had this urgency to check on them one evening. It was too late to call, but I couldn't get them off of my mind. So, I thought I would see if I could find an obituary on Josh since I felt so strongly about checking on them. I typed his name, and a prayer list did come up in my search. It was a prayer list for the National Day of Prayer at a church in Michigan. It had their names and it mentioned Josh' death. Then, I went looking for the obituary in OH (where they lived), and I found it. The reason I remember the date I did this all so well is because as I read the obituary, I realized that May 21st was Josh' birthday. He would have been 27. I was troubled by his death. Just like us, they did everything possible and searched every avenue looking for something that would heal his body.

I didn't tell Rex right away. I had to ruminate the news myself; Josh' death discouraged me, and I knew that it would discourage Rex. When I finally told him, it did discourage him. We both were saddened because we were heading in the same direction. I told Rex about Josh the next evening; he didn't say anything about it until the next day. He told me that Josh' death had depressed and discouraged him; I understood. It had done the same thing for me. I think that was the turning point for us to decide for Rex to utilize his disability at work. Rex would have worked until the day he died otherwise. Working til the day he died wasn't going to do a thing for us; he was weak to the point that he had NOTHING left when he got home; we wanted to have some of Rex' energy spent with us. He started his medical leave days later.

It was about a week and a half before I actually talked to Kristin after finding out about Josh' death. Kristin talked about the grief of seeing his things. Part of her wanted to get them out of the house NOW, and part of her wanted to keep them forever. She told me this story about her first meltdown. She had gone to Michigan to stay with her mom after the funeral for a few weeks; when she finally returned back home, she was in her bathroom and Kristin saw Josh' toothbrush and she lost it. She sobbed; Josh was gone, and he wasn't coming back. I relayed this story to Rex after I got off of the phone with her along with all the other things that she talked about. He didn't say much.

I know that Rex tried his best to take care of me by making everything easier on me. Even in his last days, he was thinking of me. As days go by, I find new things or discover things that he did to protect me after his death. There were a lot of times that he didn't ask me to do things for him because he thought I had my hands full. For the last couple of years, he was notorious for calling me whenever we were apart for any length of time. If I went to the grocery store, he would call to check on me. If I went to my dad's house next door, he would call me while I was there. He always said it was because he missed me when we were apart. In the last few weeks he was alive, he always had the phone nearby if I was gone, but he never called me, not once. I remember checking my phone to make sure that I hadn't missed a call from him or that my phone was not dead because I was surprised that he hadn't called. Then, I would call him. I would tell him I was surprised that he hadn't called me; he never really said anything in response to that. I think he deliberately quit calling me to prepare me for the days that he couldn't call me.

When we were preparing to go to the hospital for Rachael's birth, I packed the things I needed for me and for the baby; I asked Rex what he would like to have and he named a few items, but there were some items he packed himself. Anyway, when we were at the hospital, I noticed that he didn't have his toothbrush in the bathroom at the hospital. I thought maybe he had forgotten to pack it. He stayed at the hospital almost the whole time that I was there; he only left for a few hours one time. I still didn't think anything about his toothbrush because I thought maybe he brushed his teeth in those few hours he was at home. When we got back home, I saw that his toothbrush wasn't there. I know it sounds unusual to be so concerned about his toothbrush. I don't have an answer as to why I noticed it when I had so many other things to think about. I asked him where his toothbrush was and he said that it was still packed. I thought that odd because I never saw it in the bathroom at the hospital. Then, I thought that maybe he had forgotten to brush his teeth with him feeling so weak. I let it go. Then, when I still didn't see his toothbrush a day or so later, I asked him where it was and he told me it was still in the backpack. You wouldn't think something so little as a toothbrush would have any significance.

The only reason I remember it was because I thought it was strange; Rex was very habitual with brushing his teeth. I never saw that toothbrush again. It never made it back into our bathroom. A week after Rex died, I went to clean out his backpack that was still packed from the hospital. There was no toothbrush in there. I remember thinking that Rex was mistaken about his toothbrush being there. Then, a month after his death, it hit me one day out of the blue: he had remembered my story about Josh and his toothbrush. He didn't want me to experience that, so he threw it away. I know without a doubt he did that. It wasn't odd; he was trying to spare me a grieving moment. I am amazed that a story I relayed to him two months before he died became important to him for my sake. Even I didn't remember it. Yet, he had the clarity of mind to care enough about me to remove something that could make me feel his loss. Do you not think that is love? I do.

It's times like these that I feel so selfish because I don't think that I would have ever been that thoughtful had the sickness been mine. He was so unselfish with me, so caring and thoughtful. It is times like these that remind me how much I miss him. We have indeed suffered a great loss. Rex is and will always be a hero to me.

It seems like every other day, I find out something else that needs to be taken care of that Rex usually took care of. Then, I usually have a feeling of defeat. Since his death, we have had to get the a/c worked on, the pump on the well replaced, a crack in the exhaust manifold of our van fixed, take one of our girls to the ER for stitches, get the registration and inspection on his truck, and kill 3 ugly BIG creepie crawlies (not the lizard, he is still on the loose somewhere). Then, there are the regular maintenance things that he did like replace the filters on the a/c, take the trash to the landfill, and maintain the outside grounds. It seems neverending.

A friend of mine gave each of us a journal so that we could write letters to Rex whenever we wished that we could share something with him. Then, we can ask Jesus to take those letters to Rex. The girls found a lot of comfort in that thought. It makes him seem not so distant. Lindsey recently turned five. A few days later, she brought her journal to me and asked me to write a letter to daddy for her. She dictated to me what she wanted to tell him. She told him about her birthday: what kind of cake she had, where she went. She told him that she missed him and loved him. Then, when I finished writing it, I told her to ask Jesus to take it to daddy. She ran off to a corner and got on her knees, and said, "God, will you take my letter to my daddy and tell him I love him." It was precious.

Lindsey regularly makes mention of daddy. "He is still part of our family, he is just not with us," or "Daddy didn't leave us because he wanted to; He wanted to stay here with us." Amber likes to talk about her memories of Rex. She relishes her memories of him. Erin doesn't really talk about it unless I ask; she has that tendency to keep things to herself. I have to capture moments with her alone to talk to her and bring her out. She is starting to enter the tumultous and delicate puberty days. I feel a need to be really fragile and caring with her right now.

Lindsey always wanted to know where her daddy was. "Where's daddy?" It was almost a daily question when he was working. She wanted to know, and even though, he was usually at work when she asked, she would still ask. This past Saturday, she had a moment where she forgot that he had died. She asked me where daddy was, and almost as soon as she said it, she realized that she had forgotten; she quietly said, "Oh, I forgot. Never mind." I don't think she knows that I heard her. I didn't say anything else to her. I didn't know what to say; it was obvious that she didn't want to talk about it so I let it go.

For the past few years, Erin would from time to time get up after going to sleep (but before Rex and I went to bed) and come into the den and stand there and say, "Uh Uh Uh Uh." She would stand there rubbing her face and say that over and over and never say anything else. We finally figured out that she was doing this while she was still asleep. So, when she would do that, I would look at her and watch a little while then gently tell her to go back to bed. She would immediately stop rubbing her face and go back to bed. Rex and I used to get so tickled when she would do that because she never said anything except "uh." Of course, she would never remember it the next morning. She did that again, but differently the other night. I heard her crying; I thought it was strange because I knew she was asleep already. Then, a few minutes later, she came to me, did the "uh" thing again, and managed to say that she was scared. I didn't realize she was still asleep at first because she actually said something besides "uh" plus I had heard her crying before that. As I tried to talk to her about why she was scared and why she was crying, she looked at my like I was crazy. I realized then that she was still asleep. I told her to get in my bed. She got in my bed right away. I asked her about it the next day, and she had no clue what I was talking about. I wonder what she was dreaming about that caused her to cry aloud.

I continue to be thankful that God is covering me and my girls with His grace and care. The biggest struggle that I have is the huge responsibility that I am carrying. I feel tremendous tension in my body every day. When I finally get a chance to sit down at night and sit for an hour or so to try to relax, I feel the tension when I go to get up again. Every muscle in my body aches as if I had done a major workout. The tension in my back is tremendous. I feel it every day. I have been trying to do things that will help relieve the tension and help me relax. It doesn't seem to last very long. I think the tension comes more from the burden that I carry than from the actual day to day activities. I hope that it gets easier with time.

There are several ways that you can pray for me/us. I need to get a better handle on my burdens and responsibilities as a single parent. The tension is really hard on me. I am going to be making some financial decisions in the next few months. Pray that my choices will be wise. I am also going to be praying about the girls' education. I am currently homeschooling a 5th grader, 3rd grader, and Kindergardener. With me being a single parent, I am not sure that this is the best choice since I don't have Rex to share the parenting load with anymore. Looking back to the last few weeks that Rex was alive, I remember him asking me to really consider putting the girls in school so that I could have a break. At the time, I thought that he was worried about the kids with me being so extended. I now know that he was worried about me. I can also remember back to the conversations and see that the way he talked about it was in a way that he knew he wasn't going to be here to help me. I know that I need a regular outlet away from my children. School would be a means for me to get that. If this is something that will get easier in the months ahead, I can wait and continue with the direction that we are in. While I am taking one day at a time, I am thinking ahead to what would be best long-term for my overall health and the health of our family. I do not want to make any major changes in our lives right now; I am praying about what God would have me to do to lead our family.

I want Christ as the center of our family; this is the only way to withstand the evil, sadness, and woes that this world has to offer. What are you building your family on? Sports? Education? Money? Job?

Matthew 7:24-25
24 "Therefore whoever hears these sayings of Mine, and does them, I will liken him to a wise man who built his house on the rock:
25 and the rain descended, the floods came, and the winds blew and beat on that house; and it did not fall, for it was founded on the rock.

The winds have blown and beaten on our house. Pray for us to be "founded on the rock."

Sunday, September 9, 2007

It has been four weeks since Rex went home to be with Jesus, and yet it seems like it was yesterday. The numbness has worn off now, and it is starting to feel very raw and real. Tears come and go throughout the day. I miss him terribly. I actually began missing him several months before he actually passed away as he slowly withdrew from our lives because of his illness.

I have been very busy these last two months with a newborn and getting back into school with the other girls. There is little time to sit, let alone dwell on sorrow. I suppose that is not a bad thing because it would be easy to retreat into my own sorrow and live selfishly. Rachael keeps me from doing that because she depends on me totally. The other girls can do some things on their own, so I could see myself spending many hours sleeping and staying in the bed if it were not for Rachael.

At the same time, I am tired. By the time evening comes, I go into automatic mode doing what needs to be done but not with a whole lot of enthusiasm. I am more than ready to hit the sack once my brood is down for the night.

One thing that I have noticed in recent weeks is how heightened my spiritual senses are. When you lose someone so close to you, you realize how short life is. You realize how important our relationship to God is. You realize how unimportant this world and it's pleasures are. Psalm 90:12 So teach us to number our days, That we may gain a heart of wisdom. It changes you, hopefully for the better. As never before, I long to give God glory in every part of my life. I am seeking Him for His direction as this chapter of our lives start. What GREAT thing could He accomplish in my life through this?

The girls had their first breakdown last week since the night at the hospital when I told them that their daddy was going to be dying soon. It was heart wrenching, but some healing did take place. As Amber sobbed, she kept saying over and over, "I prayed for my daddy to get better EVERY night, and every morning I looked to see if he was better. I prayed for him every night, but instead God just took him. He didn't make him better. I prayed every night, and God just took him." It broke my heart to hear and see her hurt so much. Erin didn't say anything; she just cried. Lindsey sat there and looked at us, then she asked us not to cry anymore. "Why do we cry every time we talk about daddy?" she asked. He's just with Jesus, she says. Oh, the innocence of a 4 year old. Spoken so plain, so true.

After that good cry, we talked about good things. After a little while, I asked Amber if she was mad that God took daddy. She told me no. Then, I asked her if she felt like she wasted her time praying for daddy to be healed. She again replied, no. I asked her why she didn't feel like her prayers were wasted, and she simply said, "Because I know that God could have made him better." Thank you, Lord; this is a right heart.

Erin piped in during this conversation with Amber and said, "Who knows? This might help someone 100 years from now." Knock me over. I was really surprised at her insight. I had been telling them periodically during Rex' illness that God would do whatever would bring Him the most glory. We are created to glorify Him, and He will do that which will have the greater impact. Again, thank you Lord for this.

With that being said, could this impact someone 100 years from now? It would please me greatly, if someone's faith could be strengthened by our pain. It would make the pain more worthwhile. It's kinda like when you are in childbirth labor experiencing all of the pain, then when you hold that child, you can say you would do it again. Now, I don't want to do these past many months again, but I think you know what I mean. It makes it easier knowing someone has been helped.

Last Sunday (Sep 2nd), I was crying and grieving over Rex not being here with me, with us. I was thinking about him and how much I missed him. When I do that, I usually envision him in heaven feeling no pain, no sorrow and incredible joy. It is usually how I end my tears because it is hard to have tears when you know that your best friend is in total splendor and peace. How can you remain sad when you think of that? As I was ending my little crying session, I had this vision come over me. I was looking at Rex in heaven, and he was talking to me. I could hear him say this, "Donna, I know it seems sad that I am not there to be with you and to be with our girls raising them. It is OK. God has told me the plan that He has for each one of the girls. It is OK. He has a great plan. I know it doesn't seem like it now, but I am telling you, God told me what He wants to do in their lives, and it's OK. So, don't be sad. Tell them that it's OK." Whew! I think this was a total God moment for me. I felt so much peace after that.

Perspective. The short term perspective looks so grim and sad; God's perspective has unlimited potential if only we seek Him.

I have no doubt that the compassion that many of you feel for us is because you are looking at the here and now. You are seeing me lose my best friend beyond my control. You are seeing 4 little girls lose their precious daddy beyond their control. If you or I could see God's great plan for our lives, would you feel sad for us? I would venture to guess that you probably would not feel sad for us if you could see that. It is hard to feel sad when you see a great plan. Don't get me wrong -- it's not that I don't want you to have compassion for us. That compassion changes your life. What we go through affects our lives; your compassion for us affects your lives.

While God chose our family to go through this storm, He has chosen you to come along side us, have your faith strengthened, and draw you closer to Him. While it is sad that we are going through this, it is equally sad if you have walked this journey with us without being challenged and changed in your walk through life.

1 Peter 1:3-9
3 Praise be to the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ! In his great mercy he has given us new birth into a living hope through the resurrection of Jesus Christ from the dead, 4 and into an inheritance that can never perish, spoil or fade--kept in heaven for you, 5 who through faith are shielded by God's power until the coming of the salvation that is ready to be revealed in the last time. 6 In this you greatly rejoice, though now for a little while you may have had to suffer grief in all kinds of trials. 7 These have come so that your faith--of greater worth than gold, which perishes even though refined by fire--may be proved genuine and may result in praise, glory and honor when Jesus Christ is revealed. 8 Though you have not seen him, you love him; and even though you do not see him now, you believe in him and are filled with an inexpressible and glorious joy, 9 for you are receiving the goal of your faith, the salvation of your souls.

Are you being proved genuine revealing Jesus Christ in your life?

Donna Meadows

Monday, August 27, 2007

"A head hung in despair cannot scan the horizon for God's provision." That is what I started my update with exactly a year before Rex died. He died on Aug. 10, 2007 and I sent an update on Aug. 10, 2006. I have been reading some of my old entries on the blog; out of curiosity, I wanted to see where we were a year before he died. I was a little shocked to see that my one and only entry in August 2006 was exactly one year before Rex died. As I re-read this update, I remember it being one of my most vivid updates. In this particular entry, I added Psalm 40. As I read this scripture again, it is just as comforting to me today as it was a year ago. I am glad that I have journaled and done these updates throughout these many months. It is something that I think is going to help me grieve and heal. It is going to help me remember.

Remembering is something that has become very important to me recently. When you think that no new memories will be made, remembering becomes crucial. With that, I am struggling with not being able to remember specific things. I don't want to get caught up in things that I can't change or add to, and I typically don't allow myself to have this unproductive thought pattern. I find myself trying to remember the last real conversation that Rex and I had; I want to remember the last kiss; I want to remember the last hug. I want to remember the last thing we did together as a family. I can't specifically remember them, and it bothers me. One thing I do remember is our last real prayer time together. I want to remember more. He slept so much those last few days; I spent a great deal of my time with Rachael and others that most of it is a blur. I don't know why the "last time" holds so much significance. I don't know what is typical or not typical through grief.

Right in line with that are the "one more time" thoughts. I wish I could just have one more conversation, one more kiss, one more hug, one more outing together, one more meal together. Just one more...

I have been thinking about how much I was going to reveal about my thoughts and struggles. I have shared them pretty openly in the past; the battle is over for Rex now, but I am still in this race. I don't want my struggles to turn into the devil's playing ground trying to keep me from living a victorious life. So, I actually thought that I would keep my thought struggles to myself. Then, as I started typing this email. I let it out anyway.

God is so faithful. Just as soon as I got done typing my struggle with remembering, a memory of that last week came flooding back into my mind. I remember the last time we went outside as a family. We went for a golf cart ride. The kids took their bikes with us; we went to the church next door and we rode around on the golf cart while the kids rode their bikes. We were trying to get Rex outside to get some Vitamin D. It was a happy time; the girls were so happy to be outside all together. Thank you, Lord, you are so gracious.

Rex was our creepy crawlie hero. I grew up playing with creepy crawlies; somewhere along the way, I developed an aversion to creepy crawlies. I don't like to see them nor do I want them in the house. In the past, whenever a creepy crawlie was discovered, especially if I saw it first, there would typically be a scream followed with a plea for Rex to save me. I have known that this is not productive for our girls because they are probably going to respond to creepy crawlies the same way I do. But, I still would find myself screaming and having fits. Rex took it in stride. It became a humorous thing as he would come to save the day. When the girls were around, he would make a big deal of it and proclaim that he was "Super daddy" and here he came to save the day. The girls loved it; then, he would take care of the creepy crawlie. He was our hero.

We had a creepy crawlie moment today and Rex wasn't here to save the day. A lizard was in the house; when I first saw it, I screamed in typical fashion as it startled me. Of course, the girls came running to see what was wrong. I was still screaming, "Lizard, lizard, there's a lizard in the house." Naturally, they started screaming and jumping up and down too. What were we going to do? Suddenly, I realized that Rex wasn't here. I had to just walk out of the room to get my composure. When I came back in, the girls had gone and gotten the brooms and had pushed the furniture all over the room trying to find that lizard so they could save us. They were running to and fro thinking that would help them, that maybe it would keep the lizard from getting them. I had to come back in and calmly explain that the lizard was not going to hurt us; it would be ok. That lizard is still in this house somewhere! Ugh!

Those of you that came to the receiving and funeral probably saw the pictures that we had of our family taken just a week before Rex died. We didn't plan this at all. God laid it on Sheri Allison's heart to come take some pictures of us in our home. She did an absolutely wonderful job. I will forever be grateful to her for doing this for us as it became the last time we were able to capture moments of Rex with us, especially moments including Rachael. You can look at these pictures on her website. http://www.sheriallison.com/ go to "Recent Sessions" and then "RexDonna." I think you will be delighted with them like we are. I've looked at them hundreds of times. Just to keep the confusion at a minimum, the last five pics have an extra in them -- my niece's little girl, Tori.

I would like to end this email with Psalm 40, the same scripture I put in my email exactly a year before Rex left us to spend eternity with Jesus.

Psalm 40 1 I waited patiently for the Lord; And He inclined to me, And heard my cry. 2 He also brought me up out of a horrible pit, Out of the miry clay, And set my feet upon a rock, And established my steps. 3 He has put a new song in my mouth-- Praise to our God; Many will see it and fear, And will trust in the Lord. 4 Blessed is that man who makes the Lord his trust, And does not respect the proud, nor such as turn aside to lies. 5 Many, O Lord my God, are Your wonderful works Which You have done; And Your thoughts toward us Cannot be recounted to You in order; If I would declare and speak of them, They are more than can be numbered. 6 Sacrifice and offering You did not desire; My ears You have opened. Burnt offering and sin offering You did not require. 7 Then I said, "Behold, I come; In the scroll of the book it is written of me. 8 I delight to do Your will, O my God, And Your law is within my heart." 9 I have proclaimed the good news of righteousness In the great assembly; Indeed, I do not restrain my lips, O Lord, You Yourself know. 10 I have not hidden Your righteousness within my heart; I have declared Your faithfulness and Your salvation; I have not concealed Your lovingkindness and Your truth From the great assembly. 11 Do not withhold Your tender mercies from me, O Lord; Let Your lovingkindness and Your truth continually preserve me. 12 For innumerable evils have surrounded me; My iniquities have overtaken me, so that I am not able to look up; They are more than the hairs of my head; Therefore my heart fails me. 13 Be pleased, O Lord, to deliver me; O Lord, make haste to help me! 14 Let them be ashamed and brought to mutual confusion Who seek to destroy my life; Let them be driven backward and brought to dishonor Who wish me evil. 15 Let them be confounded because of their shame, Who say to me, "Aha, aha!" 16 Let all those who seek You rejoice and be glad in You; Let such as love Your salvation say continually, "The Lord be magnified!" 17 But I am poor and needy; Yet the Lord thinks upon me. You are my help and my deliverer; Do not delay, O my God.

I hope that my life will always declare God's faithfulness, salvation, and lovingkindness as Rex' life did until the very end.

Wednesday, August 22, 2007

Psalm 29:11 says that, "The Lord will give strength to His people; the Lord will bless His people with peace." I have been given strength beyond understanding these last 19 months; I have been blessed with a peace that I can't explain.

I can't trace God's hand right now, but the peace I have lets me trust His heart.

God has given us much grace these last several months, but specifically this past month. Our family has endured some difficult days as we had the birth of our new daughter, Rachael, only to be followed with the physical death of Rex just two weeks later. It is my prayer that my children will be able to grieve the loss of their dad and still know that God is in control and loves them. It is my prayer that they will know that God has not forgotten or failed them; I want them to understand that God has a plan specifically for each of them through this and that it is a great plan.

We were able to get away for several days after the funeral and take a trip to the beach. My dad had had this trip planned for several months for himself. Had that trip not already been planned, I would have never thought to take a trip for us; even that was God's timing. I believe that it was the best thing we could have done; it helped our family with the transition. I don't know what the day after the funeral would have been like for us had we not gotten up to pack for a few days at the beach.

I have tried to be acutely aware of my childrens' needs these last two weeks, so that I can meet their needs in the best way possible. Erin has been my protector. She, being the oldest of my children, has taken it upon herself to try to meet my needs by helping me with things that Rex would have done. She tries to protect me emotionally from things that might trigger me missing Rex. I have to release her daily from trying to carry such a big responsibility. Amber is my reflector. She wants to reflect on everything that made our life a family. She is pulling out memories from all over the house and talking about each of those memories. She smells his clothes. She writes notes. She gets affirmation from remembering. Lindsey is my thinker. Surprisingly, she has talked the most of Rex. She asks lots of questions about her daddy. She is acutely aware of things that surprise me for a 4 year old. For instance, Lindsey threw her hands up one time and said "Great, now I can't get saved or baptized." She was remembering that her daddy had baptized both Erin and Amber; in Lindsey's mind, that meant that she couldn't participate because her daddy wasn't here to baptize her. She is thinking things through, processing what it means for daddy to be gone. Rachael is our therapy. There is no doubt in my mind that God allowed her life to offset the loss of life, not to replace Rex but to bring healing to our hearts, to bring each of us joy in the midst of sadness.

I have had a lot of time to reflect over these past several months myself. I know it's not productive to dwell on "what ifs" or "if onlys", but I suppose that sometimes it's normal to do so. I have only had a few of these; one of my big "if only" moments was me feeling like I had failed Rex as a caretaker by not recognizing how close to death he was and not taking him to the hospital sooner. I felt that I had done him an injustice by not getting him some medical care sooner. I know that God numbers our days; I believe that regardless of anything I could do or could have done as Rex' caretaker, when God says it's your time, it is your time and nothing can interfere with that. Still, I felt I had failed Rex by not getting him medical care that could have spared him some uncomfortable time and allowed him to feel a little better at the end. Our family dr. reminded me this past Monday that Rex died exactly how he wanted. He spent his last days at home with his family, but he didn't die in our home. I found great comfort in that truth.

I had actually thought about the likelihood of Rex' death over this past month, and I was concerned about him dying in our home. I didn't want him to die in our home. I didn't want my kids to always remember every time they were in our home that their daddy died in that chair or that bed in that room. My mom died in this home; even though I was an adult at the time and didn't live in this home then, it was a memory I carried with me for a long time every time I came to visit. It still bears strong thoughts for me when I think of her. Having that memory myself, I didn't want that for my young children knowing that we are probably going to be living here a long time. I fretted a little about how things were going to pan out because I also didn't want Rex to spend a great deal of his last days in a hospital. God had it all worked out; He took care of my concerns.

Another "if only" moment had to do with something that I wanted to carry with me should he die. I wanted to have his voice saved somewhere that I could hear anytime I wanted to remember him or feel close to him. I remember the last couple of months that he was alive thinking that I needed to save a voicemail from him on my cell phone so that I would have it. But, I thought there would be another time, so being the organized person that I like to be, I deleted them as I checked them. Last week, I was upset with myself because I realized that I had not saved any of his voicemails. Then, when we got home from the beach, Erin picked up Rex' cell phone because she wanted to look at the flix (15 sec. videos) that were on his phone. I didn't think anything of it; most all of them were taken by the kids of themselves. There was a new video that we had never seen. The last video was one that Rex had made; he had taken it on July 13th, and it was a message to me. All he says is, "Donna, I love you, I really do" and then he smiles. I lost it when I saw that. Rex knew me well, and he knew that I would want to carry that with me. He was thinking of me. I sent that video to my phone so I can carry it with me.

I think there is a difference between losing someone through an accident or sudden unforeseen event and losing someone through a long term or even short term illness. Illness gives loved ones a chance to say goodbye; illness gives you a chance to express your love to one another; illness gives you a chance to savor the day. Illness gives you a chance to realize what is important and change priorities where necessary. Illness gives you a chance to have no regrets. Illness makes losing someone a gradual loss instead of a sudden one.

We gradually lost Rex from October 2006 to July 2007. Even though he was diagnosed January 2006, we really didn't see a loss of life at all until October when he started experiencing pain. Then, as weeks went by his pain increasingly got worse, his physical health deteriorated more and more, he got weaker and weaker, and he became more and more symptomatic. Rex' last three months, truthfully, gave us a taste of what life was going to be like without him as the girls and I began to do some things without him. There were times we went to family gatherings that he didn't feel up to attending; there were times we went to church when he didn't feel well enough to go; there were times we played while he sat or slept. Because of this, I think it may take a little longer for the numbness to wear off or longer for the reality of the loss to sink in. For me, I have stayed very busy caring for a newborn and haven't had much time to sit let alone grieve. My thoughts are continuously on Rex all day long, but my grieving has barely begun. I find it very hard to have a conversation without talking about him. It seems like every topic of conversation sparks a memory of him.

Continue to pray for our family as you have been so faithful to do. I feel God's presence and protection around us each day.

I don't know what the future holds, but I do know who holds the future. I am looking to God to direct my path in the days ahead. Who holds your future?

Donna Meadows

Saturday, August 11, 2007

Much of the last 30 hours have been both a whirlwind and surreal. Even though we knew that this day was most likely coming and could have prepared better for these next couple of days, it was something that I couldn't face until forced to do so. I guess for me preparing for a funeral before death is synonymous with giving up. And, I couldn't give up until the very end.

I hadn't planned on sending an email out. I originally started these emails to be entirely informative in nature, but they have turned into so much more, at least for me they have. I have always known that writing is very therapeutic for me. When I am anxious or frustrated or confused or mad, I deal with it by writing. I have done that for years; the difference is that with Rex' illness, my writings have been seen by others' eyes. All my prior writings were for my eyes only, and most of the time, were thrown away once written. So you may have to bear with me a little while longer as I share my heart.

When I have not been occupied with talking with someone or taking care of funeral arrangements, my thoughts have been consumed with Rex' last days here with us. As I look back on his last hours and ponder what his thoughts were, I think I have realized that he knew he was going to die.

I remember talking with him probably six months ago and telling him that he scared me a little being so strong. I told him that he had such a high tolerance for pain and illness that he would probably be almost dead before I even knew he needed medical care. And, of course, he showed that to be true. I shared in my last email some of his lab readings, but I didn't tell you that his liver and kidneys were already in failure when we got to the hospital.

It wasn't until the hospital had put Rex in ICU that I learned how close he was to death. Up until then, I was just aware that he was very ill and really only knew that his potassium levels were very high and that his blood pressure was very low. Once he was in ICU, the dr. sat down with me and talked about Rex' health. He asked me what my understanding of Rex' health was. I basically said that I knew he was dying, but I didn't know how close to death he was. The dr. then asked me if I wanted him to be totally honest with me. I said yes; he then told me that Rex' liver and kidneys had failed and that they would do everything they could for him, but he could die in the night, the next day or in a week. It really depended on whether the medicines and treatments they would give would do any good, but that the treatment they could give was really just a bandaid. It would not reverse his illness or fix his health.

Shortly, after being admitted to ICU, I had my friend who was keeping the girls bring them back to the hospital to say goodbye. I talked with them and explained to them that their daddy was very very ill and very close to death. Erin and Amber immediately started crying; Lindsey just watched them cry; she mainly listened and observed me, Erin, and Amber. I explained to them that I didn't know why God was allowing their daddy to die, but that he wouldn't be sick anymore once he was in heaven with Jesus. I told them that he had fought this illness with everything that he had because he wanted to be here with us. I held them and hugged them as they cried and told them that I was sorry that they had to experience this hurt in their life, that I hurt for them. I told them that I wanted them to go hug their daddy and tell them that they loved him and say goodbye. So, we went to see him; each one of the girls hugged their daddy and told them that they loved him -- Erin and Amber cried through this; Lindsey was a little confused and hesitant. Rex was able to say a few words to them that I hope they will be able to carry with them. He told them that he loved them, that he was proud of them, that God was still in control, and to love their momma. They didn't want to stay in there with him; it was really hard for them to see his very gaunt and sick body. That is not how they wanted to see or remember their daddy. I am glad that they had those few moments with him. Rachael, being two weeks old, will never know or have any memory of her daddy; but one thing she will know is that her daddy loved her and named her completely by himself.

The nurses and doctors were giving Rex stuff to draw the potassium out of his body; they had given him cortisol to get his adrenals to function; they were giving him fluids to hydrate his body, hoping to jumpstart his kidneys. They were giving him Dopamine to bring his blood pressure up. They were giving him some strong antibiotics to fight infection in his body. They were hoping that by offsetting the adrenal insufficiency with cortisol and giving the fluids for dehydration they could flush the toxins in his body. After several hours, it became apparent that it was not going to help. He was receiving a lot of fluids. In several hours time, Rex had just drops of urine output. His kidneys were not responding. The potassium and ammonia levels were not lowering. At this point, I really didn't think he would live through the night.

By the early hours of the morning, we (Terry - Rex' brother, Robin - Rex' sister, and I) had reached a point where we didn't want to see Rex suffer and gave him permission to let go. As hours went by, Rex continued to breathe and his heart continued to beat. The nurses began to discontinue corrective treatment and instead focused on palliative care to make him comfortable in the time he had left.

Shortly, before his death, as many family and friends were gathered in Rex' ICU room, I had this sudden sense of Rex' presence in the room, as if he were outside his body looking over the room. He was physically there in his bed unresponsive and taking one breath after another while his pulse was very weak and his blood pressure very low, but his presence was suddenly very strong to me. I felt that Rex was very aware of who was in the room and in that moment, I knew he wanted everyone to leave. Almost immediately, I asked to be left alone. Once we were alone, I climbed up into his bed as best as I could. I held him and gave him my goodbye talk. I had already told him that I would miss him and that he could let go -- that was me giving him my tearful, agonizing, dont-want-you-to-suffer-anymore release. This talk was a little different. It was a very calm conversation that I had with him where I told him how I felt about him. I told him how glad I was to have known and been married to him. I told him that God had blessed my life tremendously by bringing us together. I told him that he had been a wonderful husband and father; I told him that I would miss him terribly, and I hated to see him go. I told Rex that I loved him, and I kissed him. As soon as I kissed him, he gasped this big deep breath; moments later his heart stopped beating.

It became apparent to me during the night, that the 5 stones were his 5 girls -- me, Erin, Amber, Lindsey, and Rachael. I don't know what this means because I was looking for stones that would heal Rex in this physical life. It will be interesting to come to understand God's purpose through this.

I sat in his room near his body for the next hour. I mainly sat there numb. When I finally worked up the ability to leave, I went to touch his body one more time. I held his hand, rubbed his leg, touched his chest and hugged his body; I was so broken because I knew that this was the last time I would feel the warmth of his body. This inevitable end had pervaded my thoughts over Rex' last hours. There would be no more smiles, no more memories made together, no more conversations. There would be no more hugs and kisses. There would be no more tender touches of affection. I would not feel his arms around me nor would I hold his hand. It hurt so much to know that I was touching his warm body for the last time. I can't even describe the pounding anguish I felt deep in my heart. It drained me to experience it, and it drains me to express it.

I know that there will be some really difficult days ahead. We have begun a different chapter in our family. I must admit: I have some fears about raising my girls alone. I also know that I have to live one day at a time.

I know that God's grace is sufficient,

Donna Meadows

Friday, August 10, 2007

It is with great sadness for us and rejoicing for Rex that I tell you that Rex passed away at 12:30pm today (Friday, August 10th); he was an incredibly strong person.

It became apparent to me that he was dehydrated on Thursday afternoon as he stumbled on a trip to the bathroom and said that he was dizzy. I called our family dr. to see if he could authorize fluids. He called the hospital to give them a heads up so that we wouldn't have to do the typical ER wait. We thought he would be able to get fluids and then come back home. We were admitted around 4pm. Once there, we learned that he was very very ill. It is unbelievable that he was even coherent at all; his blood pressure was so low that he was in shock (upon admission the top number was only 40); his ammonia levels were extremely high (200); his sodium levels were very low (115); his bilirubin was very very high (38) -- it is really a miracle that he was not in a coma state with any of these levels by themselves. Then, with them all being this extreme, it is even more of a miracle that he was alive.

He was aware of his surroundings right up until the last few hours. He was not able to always communicate clearly to us, but overall, he was able to respond to us intermittently throughout the night and early morning hours.

I am numb for the most part right now. I know that this update will find many of you in shock because of how quickly his downhill spiral was. I will update the funeral arrangements once they are finalized. I just wanted to go ahead and let you know that Rex is with King Jesus now.

I do not take your care, concern, and prayers for us lightly. I feel very blessed to have been cared for so much this past year and a half.

While I can't trace God's hand in this, I do trust His heart.

Donna Meadows

Tuesday, August 7, 2007

Rex took a distinct turn for the worse on July 17, 2007. He had a fairly good weekend before that, and a pretty good Monday on the 16th; he had even commented about feeling pretty good on that Monday. On Tuesday, he spent the better part of the day in bed. By Friday, July 20th, he had developed jaundice in his face, so we knew that something was up with his liver. On Monday, July 23rd, he had blood work done that showed his liver functions and bilirubin were really high. His dr. sent him to the hospital to have another CT scan done; we still don't have the full report, but the preliminary report showed quite a bit of activity in his lymph nodes in his abdominal area, particularly around his liver. His liver showed spots, as well. The swollen lymph nodes around his liver appear to be clogging off his biliary ducts which is causing the bile to back up. The back up of bile is causing Rex his extreme nausea. The extreme nausea is keeping him from eating. He currently eats about 6-7 bites of food a day, and he does this by sheer will; he dry heaves several times a day from the nausea. He sleeps a great deal of the day. He has also developed peripheal swelling in the lower part of his body, starting with his lower abdominal area down to his feet. You can't even tell he has ankles because of the swelling.

He is literally starving to death right now because he doesn't eat much. I do get him to drink more than I can get him to eat, so I can juice for him and make him smoothies. He seems to be able to tolerate that. I take capsules of supplements and open them up and pour them into his drinks to try to get his body nourished to offset the lack of eating. It is a daily struggle.

Because he feels so bad, he really has no concept of time. If I ask him if he wants something, he always answers me with "in just a minute", then his minute turns into hours as he sleeps. I hate to wake him, so I end up waiting until he opens his eyes again. Doing something as simple as taking a shower totally wears him out to where he has to follow it with a few hours of sleep.

It is so hard to watch his body slowly dying. I know that his health can still be restored, it doesn't have that appearance now nor does it seem that it will happen. We talk about it sometimes when Rex is awake, whether God is going to allow him to live or not. Regardless of his terminal prognosis, we know God is the giver of life and He alone numbers our days. With that being said, there is hope until the last breath.

Sunday night, I broke down to a level I haven't ever been to before. I held Rex and sobbed for his life. I cried out to God for over an hour asking for God's favor, mercy, and healing, declaring God's victory over evil, quoting promises from the Bible, asking for His presence in our home and asking God to bind any evil influence from our lives and our home. There were a few times that I couldn't speak at all because I was overcome with emotion, and Rex would fill in those gaps with praise to God and pleas for his protection. As I sit here and try to describe those moments, it is difficult to put into words. I have never felt so helpless or desperate as I was totally broken before God. I laid there and told God everything that I felt, everything that I wanted, everything that I needed; I have cried out to God before, but this was with deep emotions that I didn't know existed or could be felt; I can't even really explain it. And, while it was painful to acknowledge and declare my insecurities to Him, I know that this is exactly what God wants from us. I know that when we are humbled before Him, then He can use us and work in our lives. At some point, I drifted off to sleep in total exhaustion. I slept peacefully. And, I woke up feeling refreshed and filled with hope.

Rex has such a countenance of grace. His attitude is remarkable. He is not angry, nor does he seem fearful. He has peace. He has not given up. He just knows that his life fully rests in God's hands, and Rex trusts that. I almost think that God has removed any fretfulness from Rex as Rex sees me take care of him and pray for him and cry over him. He does not complain at all. I am not really sure how much pain he is in because he doesn't mention it. The bigger issue is his nausea these days. When I do things for him, he always gives me a smile and thanks me. He used to not ask anything of me because he felt I had too much on my plate; I think that he has finally realized that it is a privilege for me to care for him, and so he will ask me to massage his legs and rub his back and get things for him.

As I mentioned before, we haven't gotten the full report from Rex' CT scan done on July 23rd. We missed his appt. last Monday; I thought it was this week; instead it was last week. Neither he nor I really care to hear the full report; the only reason we even had the scan done was to see if there was anything emergency related that needed to be done for Rex. Once we learned that the scan showed a progression of his disease, I didn't want to hear anymore. Rex doesn't want to know what it says either. We know what it means -- he is already a terminal case in man's eyes and this is just a reminder that he has reached the next notch toward death in this nasty disease. Because of this, I haven't called to reschedule his appt. yet.

Throughout this past year and a half, there have been many times when we would start to get discouraged or feel defeated and God would give us a promise or some tidbit of hope to hold onto. I received one of these moments on July 19th. I was originally going to wait until I could tell "the rest of the story" before I shared it, but I think instead I will share what I can with you now.

It actually began that Thursday morning as I sat down to have my quiet time. I asked God to really speak to me and give me something that would not be easily forgotten; I was asking for one of those precious nuggets that you never forget because of its power and impact. As I read my Bible that morning, I didn't get that nugget I was seeking; I had a good quiet time, it just didn't speak that power that I was asking for. I wasn't upset about it; I actually thought that maybe I wasn't still enough and missed it.

That afternoon, I went to the grocery store and on the way home, the song "Voice of Truth" came on -- I have heard this song thousands of times, and while I have always liked this song, it has never been a song that evokes strong emotions for me. As I listened to it, I really thought about what it was saying. When it got to the part that says "Oh what I would do to have the kind of strength it takes to stand before a giant with just a sling and a stone," I didn't hear the rest of the song because my thoughts were in David's shoes that day as he stood before the giant. I tried to imagine what he was feeling and thinking as he dared to do what no one else had the courage to do. Then, I thought about the 5 stones that David had in his sling. I could see David in the brook gathering 5 stones as he prepared to face the giant. He gathered 5 stones; David only needed one. I thought about our situation and how we were facing our giant, and how we have prepared to face our giant. Should we gather 5 stones to face our giant? What would the 5 stones be? God was speaking to me and giving me the morsel that I had asked for that morning. I believe that God was telling me to prepare to face our giant by gathering 5 stones. I got so excited about this as I drove home; when I got home I shared it with Rex; he felt equally encouraged by it.

I didn't have a clue what our 5 stones were going to be, but I knew that God was going to reveal them to me. I knew that I was going to be seeking and listening for the interpretation of our 5 stones. I didn't know if it was going to be 5 verses, 5 promises, or 5 things to do. A day or so later, I came across something as I was reading that I thought could be our 5 stones; I decided to proceed with it until or unless God showed me something differently. I have also had two other possibilities for our 5 stones that have been revealed to me. It is not without-a-doubt apparent to me what our 5 stones are -- pray that God will clearly show us what our 5 stones are to be.

For over a year, I prayed for specific direction regarding Rex' health. I gave up on that prayer in recent weeks as I adjusted my prayer to asking for God to heal Rex instead of asking what "I" could do to bring healing for Rex. I had to reach the end of myself and realize that it wasn't about me or what I could do or what any man could do. It had to be what God could do because He alone is worthy; He alone can heal Rex' body; He alone deserves the praise and glory in our lives.

When I least expected it, God answered my prayer of so many months and has given us some direction in this battle. I had to get to a point of brokenness and total reliance on Him before He could do so.

I don't know what the future holds for our family. I know that Rex is at his weakest physically than he has ever been. I know that his body is in a fight for his life. I know that God is on the throne and in control; God is not surprised by any of this. I know that I want Rex to live.

Please pray for us to know exactly what our role is in the days ahead. Pray for protection from any evil influence. Pray for God's healing touch on Rex' body. Pray for continued strength for me -- he has blessed me tremendously with energy and strength these last two weeks. Pray for us to gather our 5 stones to face this giant.

Have a blessed day!

Donna Meadows

Tuesday, July 17, 2007

There has not been much improvement in Rex these past 3-4 weeks. He is certainly doing far better than he was 2 months ago, but he is still very weak overall. He probably has two good days a week, relative to his overall wellness. These are two days where he interacts with us, feels like talking, or even venturing out. What used to be relatively easy things to do around the house will totally wipe him out now.

His hemoglobin has been low the last several weeks, so he has been getting shots to try to build his blood; he has also received a blood transfusion to help with that. His hemoglobin has come up, but he still doesn't have the stamina that we were hoping that it would give him. We don't know for sure what triggers a good day for him versus a bad one. We have been looking at different things like supplements and food, but we don't see a real connection there. We have seen some improvement in how he feels when he has good bowel movements, but even that doesn't always help.

Today has been especially hard on him. He has had extreme nausea and pain throughout the entire day. He attempted to eat one bite of food this morning, but within minutes vomited. His vomit had what appeared to be old blood in it. He hasn't vomited anymore today, but he's had a tough day. He was finally able to keep a little something down this evening.

Rex has about 10 days left of his medical leave before he loses his full time job and his health insurance rolls over to COBRA. He hasn't had a paycheck in 8 weeks now; he does qualify for some disability with his employer; with that, he will receive 60% of his normal pay for a period of six months. His COBRA insurance will take about 40% of his disability pay leaving us with about 36% of his full time pay to live off of. I am concerned and a little fearful about this change. It's hard financially and emotionally. The financial part is obvious. The emotional speaks harder. It definitely shows Rex' illness and failure to improve or get stronger. It taunts death in front of our hearts and minds.

God has provided everything that we have needed throughout this past year and a half. I am very thankful for that. I will admit that we are in a financial crunch right now, any reserves we had are gone. We will have some relief once Rex' employer short term disability gets approved because they will back date his disability pay to the last day that he worked, and that will hopefully help us get caught up with bills that are due and/or past due. There is some hang up with his disability, so please pray for that to get processed and approved.

I haven't said much in a while about how the girls are handling Rex' illness. Last year, they had a really hard time while Rex was doing chemo and in and out of the hospital; once he resumed work you could definitely sense their relief as everything was going well again. Now, he has been out of work for a while, and they are very aware of his illness. They pray for him constantly and write notes to him expressing their love and desire to see him get better. They are cognizant of the seriousness of his illness, and they know that this disease claims so many lives. I have opportunities to share with them how good God is even when it seems that He allows things like this to happen. I stress that God always knows what is best even when it hurts us so much. I try to let them know that God can take tragedy and trauma in our lives to mold us into people that can impact the world and make a difference. Yet, I also allow them to feel the sadness and hurt associated with their dad's illness and want them to know that it is ok to not like his cancer. Overall, I think that they are coping extremely well. I am sure that the prayers that surround our family so consistently have protected the girls in and through this. Rex is a family man through and through. He has never expressed much interest in anything outside of family; his favorite activity is to be with his family, do with his family and go with his family. I sense that the girls are starting to forget this as he is not able to interact and play with them the way that he always has in the past. I want them to be able to retain the good memories of him and remember his devotion and dedication to them.

As always, we are constantly asking for God's wisdom and guidance each day for what to do. I don't really know what else to say; this is just so hard. I want Rex healed so very very much. It hurts so much it feels like my heart is actually breaking sometimes.

I don't really like ending on such a pitiful note; through the sadness, I am able to see good in each day and know that, "This is the day that the Lord has made; let us rejoice and be glad in it."

Donna Meadows

Friday, June 29, 2007

The past 8 weeks have been our darkest days yet through this illness. Rex had gotten so weak from mid-May to mid-June that I didn't know what to expect day to day. As I said in my previous email, he attempted to start a protocol with a cancer research institute. He was taking this particular amino acid formula that was supposed to deprive the cancer of certain amino acids and give him others that would help him. The week he started this protocol he either picked up some sort of stomach bug or this stuff really upset his body. At first, I believed that he had just gotten some sort of stomach bug, but as the weeks went by, it seems that it may have been the amino acid formula really messing with him because he just kept feeling worse and worse and was getting weaker and weaker. He had gotten to the point of staying in the bed all the time; he was semi-conscious most of the time; he was eating very very little; he was just not doing well, and he was getting worse as he continued to take this formula.

I finally got to the point that I realized he was very malnourished and he needed to eat -- something had to change. So, I encouraged him to concentrate on nourishing his body as a top priority; if that meant not doing the amino acids, then so be it. Since going off of the amino acid formula, he has greatly improved. He is still far from where he needs to be, but he is doing SO MUCH better. He is back to Rex - aware of his surroundings; he is still very weak, but he is not staying in the bed all of the time; he is able to interact with me and the kids; it is a slow process, but I see him gaining strength daily. His eating is still poor, but it is getting better.

I don't want to knock this research protocol because when I talked to them, they had not experienced this problem with other patients; I have wondered if maybe he had some sort of an allergic reaction to it. It seems kinda weird that he would have an allergic reaction to amino acids, but we don't know how else to attribute his reaction to it.

Rex has been out of work for 5 weeks straight now. We need direction in what to do next. I know that he does not have the stamina to work right now; he tires very easily. His body is in a fight for his life, and he just can't sustain working even part-time right now.

Rex is still in chronic pain, but I think that he has come to a point that it is part of his daily life and he deals with it. He doesn't talk about it unless I ask him. He doesn't complain at all. As anyone with chronic pain knows, it is always worse through the night and his particular pain hurts worse when he lies down, so he does not rest well at night and spends his nights alternating between trying to sleep in the bed or sleep sitting up leaned over pillows or sleep in a recliner chair. Restless nights make it harder for his body to recuperate or repair.

With Rex' cancer, there is really not a whole lot of promise that chemo can even offer him; we were told that it had a 10% chance that it might help shrink the cancer; not that it would shrink it 10%, just 10% that it might even help at all. It could, however, help alleviate the pain from the cancer. So, we had decided a few months ago that he would try some chemo to see if it would help his pain. At the same time, we were looking into this cancer protocol. We decided to give the research institute a try first. After attempting it for 5 weeks with no change in his pain and Rex just getting sicker, Rex started oral chemo 3 weeks ago.

Rex is dealing with nausea, sometimes severe, which also affects his eating, but it is much easier to control than it was while he was taking the other stuff. We can't see a real difference in his pain level, but I do think that the periods of rest that he does have are better. He seems to have a little deeper sleep pattern when he is resting, whereas before he was always half awake even when he was trying to sleep.

There are a couple of nutritional things that Rex did that seemed to work well when he felt well last year that he has re-focused his energy on doing.

Everyday that we have together is a precious gift that we don't take lightly. As we continue to seek God's wisdom and guidance for Rex' health, we are continually faced with our dependence on God for every breath that we are given. Whether Rex will be healed from this disease is an ever present question in our minds. At the same time, we don't want to spend our thoughts everyday obsessed with this question; instead, we would rather take one day at a time and live each day to the best that we can, doing what God wants us to do.

I love to find little statements or sayings that reveal truth yet seem profound in itself. I recently came across one that I don't recall having ever read before. "In order for God to use a man greatly, He must bruise him deeply." A lot of times I think that we go through bruising in our life, and we want to scream that God is not fair or does not love us; when really God just wants to make us great. God wants to mold us into great people that do great things. How do you respond to the bruises in your life? Do you dwell on it and think that it is an injustice or do you accept the bruising in your life to develop you and make you a greater person? Sometimes, it is hard to digest that circumstances beyond our control can have a positive impact in our lives, especially when it is painful and hurts; I think that is where faith and trust in an Almighty, Sovereign God have to rule over our human, limited minds and hearts. I can look back at various trials in my life and remember the pain; more than that, I can see the good that came from it even though at the time I couldn't fathom good from it all.

My bruising right now is nothing compared to the bruises that Rex has right now. And, I look at this and ask, "God are you just bruising Rex so that you can use him greatly?" Of course, I want the God's answer to be an emphatic YES! I have never begged for anything in my life more than for God to grant Rex healing and longer life with us. I want it so much that it hurts deep inside. Sometimes, I can't imagine God not granting health to Rex, but then I see others in similar situations with a more desperate set of circumstances that want healing just as much as we do and didn't get it. Why would we have more favor from God than another family? We are certainly no more deserving than they.

Trust in an Almighty God is imperative to get past the things we don't understand. God sees all and knows all past, present, and future; I have to trust that because of that, He absolutely knows what is best.

Have a great day!

Thank your for caring and praying for us,

Donna Meadows

Friday, May 25, 2007

I have been meaning to update for the last few weeks, but just haven't been able to bring myself to do it. Rex started a protocol with a cancer research institute based out of Jacksonville, FL; it basically is just a program whereby you nourish the body with foods that cancer doesn't recognize as fuel. It has lots of promise when done completely and accurately as it is actually a program that has been studied in research labs substantially. Basically, it deprives the body of sugar, even natural sugar, and certain amino acids that are known to feed cancer. This program, when done correctly, starves the cancer and causes it to die off. If you have any interest in checking out this program, you can access it by looking at this link: www.apjohncancerinstitute.org

Rex attempted to start this 3 weeks ago, but has had an extremely difficult time doing all that it entails because he has weakened considerably in the past month. I don't think that he is any more pain than he has been in the past few months, however, it has taken its toll on his body; he is so weary from all that his body is going through. He is not eating much these days - some days once a day, some days none, and on a good day, he might eat twice in the day. He is trying to stick to the foods that don't feed cancer, but with him not eating enough, I don't know if it is really helping him. His pain is still intense day to day, but he actually does have periods where he has no pain.

His biggest effort is attempting to go to work. It literally takes everything out of him just to work one day. He is withdrawing more into himself, communicating less, wanting to sleep more, and not eating much. He still has times where he is the Rex that we know, but more and more he is unaware of what is going on around him and wants to just rest. I don't know how much weight he has lost; I do know that he is going over the threshold of being at his ideal weight to being underweight.

Please continue to pray for God's supernatural healing; pray that I will be the caretaker that Rex and our girls need me to be.

If you want to do something for us, then do what you feel led to do. I don't want the burden of asking for this or that specifically; it is almost like having another responsibility. I would rather people do what they are good at, when they feel led to do so. I hope my frankness here does not offend anyone. I certainly don't mean to sound picky or ungrateful; it is simply the best way to meet our needs and minister to us.

If it is provide a meal, that is fine. Meals that are in disposable containers are best, whether they are home cooked, frozen, take out, or even gift certificates for take out. I am not good at returning dishes; I am afraid that I would not have the frame of mind to remember what belongs to who and/or take the time to return it to the rightful owner.

If you feel led to help with our finances, then that too is fine. God has always provided what we needed even when it didn't seem like it was going to happen.

I don't feel that I need any help with the children at this point because I need them with me; they bring normalcy to me through all of this. There is a certain mothering, nurturing part of me that wants to keep my nest intact by sheltering and protecting my little ones.

If God lays something on your heart, then chances are it may be a need for us that I may not have expressed or even realize.

I truly do appreciate all that you have done for us this past year and a half. You have been a source of comfort, encouragement, and sanity to us through a very difficult storm. Thank you for your love and prayers.

Donna Meadows

Thursday, April 12, 2007

We just received some answers to the pain that Rex has been experiencing lately. He had a CT scan done on Monday, and the doctor called this morning and said that the lesion in his spleen has quadrupled in size since the last scan from October. While it certainly isn't the news that we wanted to hear, there is some relief to have an answer to source of his pain. Rex' oncologist wants to know by tomorrow what we want to do as the next step. In the past, there was no pressure or encouragement to do any more chemo because he was doing so well, the cancer seemed to be non-growing and the harmful effects of chemo weren't worth pursuing.

In light of this recent growth, the oncologist wants to pursue some chemo. She has no other offer to make to us because this is what she does for cancer.

While it is not known for sure whether this lesion is cancer (there has never been a biopsy done because of the nature of the spleen), it is assumed to be at this point.

We desperately need God's guidance and wisdom in this, particularly in the next 24 hours as we make a decision of our next step.

Rex is not really surprised about this growth. He has waned considerably in all of the nutritional things he was doing prior to October. When we got busy with The Promise, he let some of his supplements go, he went down on his juicing, and he ate more acidic foods as we ate on the run more. I think it got to be so tiring taking so many supplements and doing all that he/we were doing. He was taking about 30 supplements a day. He did that consistently for 6 months. It was a major effort as each day was filled from daylight to dark with juices, powders, pills, and drops throughout the entire day. Then, he had to make sure he was eating in the midst of all of this, along with eating healthy and not convenient.

God is bigger than any supplement or any chemo. God is bigger than any doctor's report or prognosis. We want to do what God wants. Do we just continue and get aggressive with supplementation/nutrition again? Do we do that and take some chemo? If he takes chemo, does he do IV chemo or take a milder pill form? If he does nutritional/supplementation, what regimen should he follow? I don't know that he can do everything that he was doing in the beginning for a long length of time; we need an exact regimen that is not overwhelming. Something that is manageable and realistic, particularly long term.

Please pray for us to know what we are to do on our part. Pray that God will intervene and heal Rex. Pray for wisdom and peace to be obedient even if God leads us to go against all of man's advice. If for some reason this lesion is not even cancer but something else, pray that we will get answers showing us this truth.

Just as I finished this email above, I decided to go to crosswalk.com to look up some scripture and saw this devotional on the main page. It is the Greg Laurie devotional for today. I haven't ever read the devotionals on this website before. I don't believe in coincidence, either. What is interesting is that Rex played Jairus in The Promise this year and Erin played the the role of the daughter. The last few sentences have touched me significantly this morning. I have put them in bold print.

Thursday, April 12, 2007
Just Wait
He has made everything beautiful in its time. Also He has put eternity in their hearts, except that no one can find out the work that God does from beginning to end.
—Ecclesiastes 3:11
Jairus was a well-known, powerful, wealthy individual who was the head of the local synagogue. When his 12-year-old daughter, his only child, was in great need, he sought out Jesus to heal her.
We don’t know whether Jairus was a believer in Jesus. As the head of the synagogue, he would have been a religious man. He probably had heard about Jesus. Maybe he had already put his faith in Him. The Scripture doesn’t say. But Jairus believed that Jesus could save his daughter’s life. So he went and found the Lord and begged Him to heal his daughter. He placed his complete trust in Jesus.
But as they were on the way to his house, the news came that his daughter had died. The reason they did not get to his daughter more quickly was because a woman in need of healing came along and touched Jesus, and He stopped and demanded to know who it was that touched Him.
Yet Jairus did not complain. Rather, he committed himself to Jesus, believing that God knew what He was doing. His faith was dramatic, especially because at this particular time in Jesus’ ministry, He had not raised anyone from the dead. Granted, He had healed people. But there had been no resurrections.
Jairus had to wait, and we have to wait. A lot of us grow impatient with God, and in our impatience, we can foolishly take things into our own hands and make them far worse. Know this: God’s delays are not necessarily His denials. We need to wait on the Lord. God’s timing is just as important as His will. He doesn’t ask for us to understand. He just asks us to trust.

Have a great day today. God is still in control. While things may seem impossible to man, they are just a mere circumstance to God.

Donna Meadows