I am trying to take more time to sit down and write more. I still don't have my routines down, but they are getting better every week. I accomplish so much more when I have routines in place. I wanted to send a view of our lives since last month.
When someone asks me if there is anything I need, my mind quickly reflects, and I want to say, "I need Rex." I need my husband, the one who knew me inside out, the one who knew all my flaws, and still liked me. I need the one who knew what made me smile, the one who could diffuse me when I reached my limit, the one who shared my bed. I need the one who loved these girls as much as I do, the one who wanted for them what I want for them, the one who they called "daddy." I need the one who helped take care of all the prosaic, tedious tasks I have to do alone now. I need my confidante, my companion, my best friend. What do I need? I NEED REX, that's what I need! But no one can give me that, so I simply answer, "No, we're ok. I can't think of anything we need." When you can't have the one thing that you need, everything else seems futile. Rex embodied everything that I need. I don't want this to sound unappreciative of those who have asked me this question. I know that this question is genuine. There are only a few questions one can ask someone in mourning. This question is an acknowledgment of my grief. It is an offer of help and support. For that, I am very, very grateful.
I have come to realize that acknowledging one's anguish is very important. It doesn't mean that you have to have the perfect words; simply acknowledging a person's pain brings great comfort. I look back to my previous encounters with others that were going through difficult times, and I am ashamed that there were times when I didn't acknowledge their trial. I believe that ignoring the tough time is the worst response you can give to that person. I think we sometimes think that mentioning the difficulty brings greater pain when, in fact, it assists in healing. It is almost as if we think they have forgotten their pain. Believe me, it is not forgotten. It is one thought behind any conversation.
If there is someone in your environment, someone you work with, live next to, or go to church with that is going through a really tough time, please take the time to simply say, "I am sorry that you are going through this tough time." It will minister to that person. If you want to say more, then do so. At the very least, just acknowledge it. It will touch them deeply.
I am asking God to give the girls a glimpse of His plan for their lives. Whether in a dream, or in their own thoughts, or through His Word, or in our discussions, I would really like them to have a simple glimpse of His purpose in their lives. I don't think it has to be a thorough detailed revelation (we couldn't handle that anyway), just a glimpse of God's plan for them. I think that would help curb any possibilities of bitterness as they grow older. There have been times that I have been given glimpses of God's plan in my life -- it motivates me; it gives me purpose, it excites me. When we believe in our future, it is so much easier to persevere in the things that God has called us to do. It gives us vision. Where there is no vision, there is no direction.
We have had so many opportunities to talk about Rex' death and what it means and why it happened. Whether it is something we have seen on TV or in our school work or in our Bible study, there seems to consistently be moments that creep up that allow us to talk about Rex and God's plan.
For many, many months, I asked God to give me a promise of Rex' healing. Over and over, He would take me to Jeremiah 29:11 For I know the plans I have for you," declares the Lord, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future. And, even though, He would bring this scripture to mind, I never got a peace of Rex' physical healing. I literally begged for that promise and peace. Now... I know that God kept giving me this scripture because he intended it to be for ME. He has plans for me, to give me a future and a hope. He has plans for Erin, Amber, Lindsey, and Rachael to give them a hope and a future. Does that spark sadness that God didn't give Rex hope and a future? NO! Rex is with Almighty God! He has "arrived." Rex is experiencing what we only get to dream about and anticipate. Death has no sting; Rex is not suffering. He is surrounded with total splendor for eternity. If you think of the best possible future that anyone can have here on earth, it could NEVER compare to the joy and peace that Rex has now. I guarantee you that Rex is hoping that each and every one of you are going to meet him someday so that YOU can spend eternity in majesty and total contentment and peace.
When you reflect on what is in your heart, what yearnings do you have? What frustrations or emptiness you do you feel? There is nothing or no one on this earth that can give you what you long for. Jesus is the ONLY one that can fill that corner of your heart. He may seem intangible, but when I lay my head down on my pillow at night and can truly rest, He is tangible to me. When I face a financial difficulty and I have contentment that God will provide for it, He is tangible to me. When I get up each day and I'm excited about what the day holds for me, He is tangible to me. When I feel overwhelmed with being a mother to 4 girls, and God says that He will be a father to the fatherless, He is tangible to me. I can't feel Jesus with my hands, but every part of my inner self feels Him as He makes me complete. I am complete because of Jesus. Doesn't everyone want that? To feel whole and complete and have a peace that can't be explained? Jesus alone can do that for you, but you have to invite Him to do that. He knocks at the door of your heart, longing to give you contentment, protection, peace, security, and eternal life with Him. Just ask Him to do that for you. Satan told Eve in the Garden that if she ate of the tree of knowledge of good and evil that she would have everything she could ever long for. Satan uses that same line today. He tells us that if we make our own choices and live by our own rules, then we will be free. I know no one who is free living this way. It is by giving our life to God that we experience freedom, freedom from stress, worry, uncertainty, loneliness, fear, inferiority. You name it -- Jesus can give you that freedom. He has plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future. Put your trust in Him today.
I have another "toothbrush" story for you. I have loved it when people have told me that they loved the "toothbrush" story. It is a fuzzy feeling for me. So, I think I will call these little glimpses of love that God gives us "Toothbrush Moments." It has a nice ring to it for me. Come to think of it, God brought Rex and I together through a toothbrush moment. Maybe I will tell that story sometime. But, for now, let me share something that happened this morning.
I will start with some background information. Rex was the "plugged in" parent. He was the one who always knew the good and bad in the entertainment industry. He kept up with who was a good role model and who wasn't. Me, I am the one, who listens to WMIT 106.9 and doesn't go anywhere else. So, if it isn't on that radio station, I know nothing about it. Anyway, it was important to him to monitor what kids were listening and watching in the world so that he could be prepared if and when our kids were exposed to it. Along with that, he was our music scout. He would buy the girls CD's of different music groups to encourage them to listen to music that has God honoring lyrics.
Just a few weeks before he died, he had gone out and bought some new music for the girls. One of the CD's was a Britt Nicole CD (whose hometown happens to be Kannapolis, NC). I really didn't pay any attention to it because I assumed that I wouldn't like it; I had heard of her, but didn't know anything about her music. I really can't say why I thought I wouldn't like it, but anyway, I thought it was nice of Rex to do that. As always, I was thankful that he was aware of what was out there. I didn't think about it again until today. Erin was listening to her CD this morning as she was starting school, and she came down and asked me to listen to this song. I thought ok, but I wasn't really expecting much. So, it started and as I listened, I was speechless. I want to share the words of this song, and I know you will understand the significance. The name of it is Don't Worry Now.
Seven years old, you heard me cry
I don’t wanna say goodbye
To the only man that I love
My daddy and everything he was
I don’t think I can live without you
Dad, I know your breaking in two
With tears running down his face, he says we’re gonna make it
We’re gonna make it
When you feel like you are all alone
Just like your best friend up and gone
Don’t worry now
Don’t worry now
I’ve been there yeah,
I know how it feels
To wonder if love is even real
Don’t worry now
Don’t worry now
It’s gonna be ok
I’ve been trying to find a way to understand
When I can’t see the picture of God’s plan
Why would He let us hurt so bad?
Could anything good come of these feeling that I have?
He loved me more than the sand on the beaches
He loved me more than the grass is green
And even though he had to go
I always knew his love was part of me
It’s taken so long to let this go
It’s taken so long to feel that
Your right here next to me
And I can finally breathe
It’s taken so long but now
I know I had to find out on my own
When nothing could convince me
Your love it convinced me
That it’s gonna be ok
What a testament. Again, I think that Rex bought this CD on purpose for this very song. He knew that he wasn't going to be here, and yet he loved us so much, he loved his girls so much that he wanted to leave them with something good. He bought this CD and gave it to them without my knowledge. I didn't even know he had done it until afterwards. When Erin shared this song with me this morning, I cried at yet another peek of God's unending love and faithfulness.
Ask God to give you vision to fulfill His purpose in your life.
Having purpose gives us excitement to forge ahead.
Have a great day.
Donna
