Friday, November 14, 2008

Erin, Amber,
Lindsey, Rachael Meadows
taken on August 10, 2008






There have been several things that I have thought about sharing in a blog post. I am behind, and I felt the need to backtrack. So, I thought I would go back and talk about the 1 yr anniversary of Rex' death on August 10, 2008.

We planned a trip to the beach to commemorate the anniversary time. As we planned our trip, I thought about what I could do to honor him on that day. Rex loved to go to the beach. His favorite thing to do at the beach was to get up and watch the sunrise and read his Bible. It was very peaceful and fulfilling for Rex.

With that in mind, we decided that we would get up and watch the sunrise in honor of Rex. That morning came, and we set out to the beach early in the morning. We found a place on the beach and sat in silence watching the sunrise. It was so peaceful, just the sound of the ocean and the sight of the sun rising on the horizon.

Afterwards, we sat and talked a little. I asked the girls to share something that they missed about their dad. Each of them, shared from their heart something that came to mind. Then, I prayed and thanked God for His faithfulness and for His care for us.

Throughout this process, we really hadn't noticed anything unusual. I had to wake up all of the girls for this venture; we were all pretty quiet, and Rachael was subdued through the whole thing.

After our time together, the girls quietly and without words went and wrote notes in the sand to their dad. They each found a stick and wrote in the sand. It was at this time that I noticed Rachael writing in the sand too, but she had something else in her hand. I went to see what it was. It was not a stick, rather it was a TOOTHBRUSH. What???? How in the world did she manage to get Lindsey's toothbrush out of our room without anyone noticing at all? That is exactly what happened. She managed to grab Lindsey's toothbrush off of the bathroom counter and held it while we traipsed to the beach, while we sat on the beach watching the sunrise, while we sat and talked about Rex. All the while, no one even noticed that she had it.

It didn't dawn on me for at least a week and really didn't hit me until someone mentioned it. The "toothbrush" had emerged again. Rex had removed his toothbrush before he died to spare me a moment of grief. And, here on this very day, exactly one year after he had left this world, his youngest daughter is writing in the sand with none other than a toothbrush! A little detail, so subtle, yet profound in meaning.

You can barely
see Rachael
holding the
toothbrush in
this picture.







Do you believe that God cares about the little details or our lives? Why do we always look for the BIG things that God does for us? It is the little things that mean so much to me. For, it is in the little things that I feel God's love for me. It is in the everyday blessings that I see God's faithfulness to me.

How do you show love for others? Do you do it when it's expected -- Valentine's Day, birthdays, anniversaries, Christmas? Or, do you purpose in your heart to show love with the little things in everyday things?

Through God's example, I know it is the little things that make all the difference in the world. Unlike God, there are many times that I blow it with my kids, with my family and with my friends. I think at one time, I would try to compensate my failures with them by doing things for them or buying something for them. Then, one day I thought about it; I thought about the many ways we fail, and how we respond to our failures: the angry outburst followed by a loving, affectionate touch, the unfaithfulness followed by flowers, the selfishness followed by a surprise, the meanness followed by a promise. Isn't that what we do? We blow it, and then we try to make up for it with a kind word, deed, gift or touch.

Does it really make up for the unrighteousness that we unleashed on another? Well, I think it is better than not acknowledging it at all. Certainly, the best approach would include an apology and acknowledgement of our failure. Does guilt drive our acts of kindness or does love?

Because of this, I have tried to transition how I respond to my failures and hopefully minimize future defeats. Right now, I am primarily speaking of my failures with my children because that is where I see my inadequacies the most. When I fail, I go to them and acknowledge what I have done wrong and ask for their forgiveness. Then, I usually sit with them and talk with them, sometimes about my weaknesses, sometimes about trivial things, sometimes about what I want my testimony to be and how I fall short, sometimes about the good that I see in them. In any case, we usually talk and pray.

I try to save the little things, those kind deeds, those thoughtful gifts, those hugs, and praises for the every day times. I don't want my loved ones to associate my kindness and generosity solely with a response to my sin because they will never see that as an act of love.

It is so easy to get caught up in the daily demands that I never do anything more than what is required of me. It is in these times that I feel like such a martyr and turn to pity parties for myself. When I unexpectedly put a note of love in a lunchbox, or do my kids' chores for them while they are at school, or leave a mint on their pillow, or sit down and play a game with them when I have so much to do, this is when they know that I LOVE THEM. They know that I love them by the little acts of love. It is these acts of love that allow us to open the hearts of our loved ones to the things of God. It is our acts of love that give us the confidence to share Christ to those closest to us.

1 John 3:18-24
18 My little children, let us not love in word or in tongue, but in deed and in truth.
19 And by this we know that we are of the truth, and shall assure our hearts before Him.
20 For if our heart condemns us, God is greater than our heart, and knows all things.
21 Beloved, if our heart does not condemn us, we have confidence toward God.
22 And whatever we ask we receive from Him, because we keep His commandments and do those things that are pleasing in His sight.
23 And this is His commandment: that we should believe on the name of His Son Jesus Christ and love one another, as He gave us commandment.
24 Now he who keeps His commandments abides in Him, and He in him. And by this we know that He abides in us, by the Spirit whom He has given us.

I am far from a hero of the Christian faith. I am hard-won; I am rigid in my discipline of character; I am often unrelenting in my expectations. I am selfish in my heart. I am not patient when my back is against the wall. I lose my cool when I am stressed or hormonal. And, when each of these ugly traits are unleashed on my loved ones, I know that I fall short of righteousness. How will they ever know that I love them and want to listen to me? More importantly, how will they know that God loves them and cares for them? My everyday actions of love will cover my periodic fiascos. I can still teach them the goodness of God, the salvation of Christ, and the call to righteousness while I am imperfect and flawed.

Isn't God good? He can take a sinner like me and use me for His glory. And, He can use you? Will you let Him? Do something today out of the ordinary for someone you love just because you love them. Mark them with your love today.

Have a blessed day,

Donna

Sunday, August 25, 2008

I have never been fond of the sport of boxing. Growing up between 2 brothers required me to participate in some of their boy activities if I wanted to be included. One of those activities was boxing. We would lay out a blanket for our boxing ring, don some toy boxing gloves, and have a match. I never was very good at it. I could never get the upperhand, and once the punching started, I really became a punching bag instead of a boxer. Needless to say, within minutes, I was tired of the game and ready to quit. As I grew, I have often looked at the sport with indifference; what is really fun and recreational about clobbering another person?

Then, there was Rex. He, on the other hand, liked the boxing fight. In particular, Rex always liked the Rocky movies. I had seen them, but I wasn't particularly endeared to them like he was. Rex talked to me several times about his fanatics with Rocky during his teenage years. Rex liked the underdog presence. He liked the strenuous preparation for the fight; he liked the "never give up" and "never stop believing" mentality in the fight.

In these last couple of years, I have felt like I have been in a spiritual boxing match with the evil of this world. When I serve the Lord or spend time with Him or minister to someone, I have given a good hard punch to evil. Soon after, there is a punch back. Do I dodge it? Does it stun me for a minute? Does it knock the breath out of me? Does it make me take a step back? Does it knock me down?

In 2 1/2 years of blogging our journey, I have watched a boxing match being played out. After every blog update that I have done, there has been some sort of test/trial/punch soon after. My blog post was my punch into darkness. And, then the return punch comes, and it usually lines up directly with something in my blog post. Sometimes, I have gotten discouraged and thought I was wasting my time. Who am I to write these words? Sometimes, I have cried tears thinking I couldn't bear anymore. Sometimes, I have felt so weary and wanted to quit. Sometimes, I have had to evaluate whether I really meant what I said. Am I really walking my talk? Sometimes, I have had a pity party for myself. And, sometimes, I have simply gotten mad at evil and declared that I was going to stand strong.

Whether I was knocked back a step or completely knocked down, God has always been in the corner coaching me, encouraging me and giving me strength to stay in the ring.

There have been times when I have been punched, and I have thought that wasn't so bad, and then there have been times, when I have been completely knocked down and didn't want to get up; I didn't think I could get up. In these moments, I find myself where Rocky Balboa is in the movie. He has fought long and hard, and he is seemingly down for the count. But, then he remembers why he is fighting; he knows that he is going to fight to the end. He is not giving up. And, with the crowd cheering, he manages to pull himself up to continue the fight to win.

After my last post, I took a hard punch. It knocked the breath out of me and quite frankly, knocked me down. In that post, I talked about letting go of the peripheals of my life and focusing on seeking God. Just like you, one of the peripheals of my life is money; I want to make wise decisions, and I have great dreams for God. In the last couple of months, I made a decision to take a great risk financially. I spent a great deal of time seeking God's guidance on it. It was out of my comfort zone because I am not a risk taker. The more I fought the decision, the more I felt God's leading, and so I finally made the decision to take the risk. A few weeks passed, and I posted my July blog entry. Just a week after my update, I was faced with the very real possibility that I had risked and lost. It hit me hard and threw me by surprise. I questioned whether I meant what I said. Did I really let go of the peripheals of my life? I questioned whether I knew God's voice. Did I really hear Him clearly guide me in this direction?

While I was lying there in the ring wondering if I wanted to get up again, I heard Him speak. Above all the noise around me, I heard God say to me, I am here; I am here to gird you for the battle. Take refuge in me. I will arm you with strength and make your way perfect.

He spoke to me through my quiet time in 2 Samuel.

2 Samuel 22 19 They confronted me in the day of my disaster, but the Lord was my support. 20 He brought me out into a spacious place; he rescued me because he delighted in me. 21 "The Lord has dealt with me according to my righteousness; according to the cleanness of my hands he has rewarded me. 22 For I have kept the ways of the Lord; I have not done evil by turning from my God. 23 All his laws are before me; I have not turned away from his decrees. 24 I have been blameless before him and have kept myself from sin. 25 The Lord has rewarded me according to my righteousness, according to my cleanness in his sight. 26 "To the faithful you show yourself faithful, to the blameless you show yourself blameless, 27 to the pure you show yourself pure, but to the crooked you show yourself shrewd. 28 You save the humble, but your eyes are on the haughty to bring them low. 29 You are my lamp, O Lord; the Lord turns my darkness into light. 30 With your help I can advance against a troop; with my God I can scale a wall. 31 "As for God, his way is perfect; the word of the Lord is flawless. He is a shield for all who take refuge in him. 32 For who is God besides the Lord? And who is the Rock except our God? 33 It is God who arms me with strength and makes my way perfect. 34 He makes my feet like the feet of a deer; he enables me to stand on the heights. 35 He trains my hands for battle; my arms can bend a bow of bronze. 36 You give me your shield of victory; you stoop down to make me great. 37 You broaden the path beneath me, so that my ankles do not turn. 38 "I pursued my enemies and crushed them; I did not turn back till they were destroyed. 39 I crushed them completely, and they could not rise; they fell beneath my feet. 40 You armed me with strength for battle; you made my adversaries bow at my feet. 41 You made my enemies turn their backs in flight, and I destroyed my foes. 42 They cried for help, but there was no one to save them-- to the Lord, but he did not answer. 43 I beat them as fine as the dust of the earth; I pounded and trampled them like mud in the streets

The greatest thing about this battle is that I know who wins. As long as I keep getting up and stay in the ring, I will not be defeated. And, so I get up time after time and keep going.

Where are you in your match? Are you armed with strength or are you knocked down? Take refuge in Him and let God be your shield. He will arm you with strength and make your way perfect. Get up and stay in the ring.

I still don't know whether I risked and lost with my recent decision; I do know that I am standing firm in the ring, and I will continue to fight for the cause of Christ.

Please continue to pray because the strength and power that I have is not my own; it is clearly the power of the Holy Spirit through prayer.

To God be all the glory,

Donna

Wednesday, July 23, 2008

We are quickly coming up on the 1 year anniversary of Rex' death on August 10th. This past year has been a blur, a long process, and a blink of an eye all mixed together and baked at 400 degrees.

June and July have by far been the hardest. I find myself re-living his last two months with us. We were married for 12 years, yet the last 2 months are the ones I think about when I think about Rex. They were such intense months that it overshadows all my other memories. I am sure that there will come a day when the good times will come back to my mind quicker, and I will be able to remember Rex pre-cancer.

The girls and I have adjusted to our current family physiognomy. The girls don't say a whole lot about Rex to me these days unless I bring it up. Out of all the milestones that we have had to go through on our first year, I was most concerned about Father's Day, and it was simply because I hurt for my girls.

I didn't think to try to get us out of our regular element for that day; as it turns out, I ended up taking a business trip that had us out of town on Father's Day. I am very grateful for God covering our needs and wants throughout this past year even when I didn't know what they were at the time. Not only has He covered our milestones, he has indeed given me something to focus on in the last couple of months that motivates me daily and gives me something to smile about as I see God unfolding how He is going to accomplish some dreams He has given me.

I am constantly amazed at the truth that I discover each day about the Holy God that created me. When I think about God, I am in awe that He loves me.

A big area of growth in my life the last several weeks has to do with letting go of the peripherals of my life, those seemingly important things that affect our lives. I have spent a great deal of time focusing on the details and plans in my life instead of focusing on Jesus. The details I was focusing on aren't bad things, but it certainly wasn't the BEST thing.

Matthew 6:25-34

25 Therefore I say unto you, Take no thought for your life, what ye shall eat, or what ye shall drink; nor yet for your body, what ye shall put on. Is not the life more than meat, and the body than raiment? 26 Behold the fowls of the air: for they sow not, neither do they reap, nor gather into barns; yet your heavenly Father feedeth them. Are ye not much better than they? 27 Which of you by taking thought can add one cubit unto his stature? 28 And why take ye thought for raiment? Consider the lilies of the field, how they grow; they toil not, neither do they spin: 29 And yet I say unto you, That even Solomon in all his glory was not arrayed like one of these. 30 Wherefore, if God so clothe the grass of the field, which to day is, and to morrow is cast into the oven, shall he not much more clothe you, O ye of little faith? 31 Therefore take no thought, saying, What shall we eat? or, What shall we drink? or, Wherewithal shall we be clothed? 32 (For after all these things do the Gentiles seek:) for your heavenly Father knoweth that ye have need of all these things. 33 But seek ye first the kingdom of God, and his righteousness; and all these things shall be added unto you. 34 Take therefore no thought for the morrow: for the morrow shall take thought for the things of itself. Sufficient unto the day is the evil thereof.

I always looked at this passage as a passage of scripture that was to minister to the "worrier." Worrying has never been a personal weakness of mine. I have the mentality that worrying is not going to do a bit of good, so don't worry. However, as a widow, I found myself suddenly "being in charge," and I didn't want to mess up.

I found myself fretting many times over God's perfect plan for my life and making sure that I know His will for my life. I have many times sought God earnestly asking Him to reveal His will to me and guide my footsteps. I finally realized one day that instead of always seeking His will, I need to seek God Himself.

Deuteronomy 4:29 But if from thence thou shalt seek the Lord thy God, thou shalt find Him, if thou seek Him with all thy heart and with all thy soul.

If I seek God, if I seek to know God Himself, then I will find Him and when I find Him, I will know His will for my life. I was totally liberated when I realized this. I was released from all of the heavy burdens of making decisions and knowing exactly what I should do about this situation and that opportunity. I was released from wondering how God was going to be a Father to my children. I was released from the intense pressure that I am the only remaining parent. I was released from thinking that I had to do this or do that in order for my family to survive.

All I have to do is SEEK HIM, and all the rest will be added unto me. His plan, His will, His protection, His provision -- it will all be added to me. I don't have to spend my efforts seeking His plan, His will, His protection and provision; I need to seek God.

What happens when we seek God? Draw near to God and He will draw near to you. James 4:8

If He is near, then I am protected, provided for and guided. What a relief!!!

Let me go a step further. There is a reason that I came to this understanding. I went back to my post where I talked about my theme verse for 2008.

http://donnameadows.blogspot.com/2008_02_01_archive.html

Phil 3:10 [For my determined purpose is] that I may know Him [that I may progressively become more deeply and intimately acquainted with Him, perceiving and recognizing and understanding the wonders of His Person more strongly and more clearly], and that I may in that same way come to know the power outflowing from His resurrection [which it exerts over believers], and that I may so share His sufferings as to be continually transformed [in spirit into His likeness even] to His death, [in the hope]

Here I believed that this was my verse for 2008, but I had no idea exactly how God was going to use this in my life. He has taken this verse, and He has developed in me the desire to seek Him. He has done this by releasing me from what I thought I was supposed to do - seek His will. His plan for my life will be revealed and laid before me without my agonizing over it, if only I pursue Him.

My whole perspective has changed on how I approach my quiet time. I used to tackle my Bible reading with a mindset that I was going to be spoken to or given more insight and understanding. I thought that I was going to learn how to be a better Christian. Is this wrong? No, because all of these things will happen.

I found a better approach. Now, I can sit and read His Word and say, "Lord show me YOU; show me who you are; show me your passions; tell me your desires; let me see your heartbeat; give me that heartbeat. Lord, demonstrate your power, your righteousness to me. Let me understand what your holiness means. I want to know everything about You. Don't let me miss a thing." This approach has caused the words of scripture to come alive and fill my heart with a passion to see God and know God. Once you have this passion, everything else becomes so secondary that it almost seems trivial.

Is God's plan important? Absolutely. But, when you compare it to knowing Jesus, you realize that all of the peripheral parts of our lives fall into place without our efforts if we pursue knowing Him.

What is it about Jesus that you love? You answer to this can reveal to yourself alot about the condition of your heart. It cuts through the surface.

Think about it and seek to know Jesus today.

God bless,

Donna Meadows

Monday, May 26, 2008

I love this picture of Rex. This is a picture of him taken on his last outing with us, July 15, 2007. We got to spend an afternoon on a pontoon boat with Rex' brother and family. It was one of those days toward the end of my pregnancy when I didn't want to do anything because everything was hard. Boy, am I glad that I didn't let my weariness keep us from doing this.

It has been over nine months, and our daily life has adjusted. We still struggle with having some routines in place, particularly our bed time routine; bed time was very much Rex' forte. It is still hit and miss for me.

John 16-17 spoke to me in a fresh way recently. This is a passage of scripture where Jesus is talking about his death and resurrection. He is speaking of the grief and sorrow that will come. I know that grief and sorrow that He speaks of. He talks about the necessity of his death and the life that comes after.

John 16 7 Nevertheless I tell you the truth. It is to your advantage that I go away; for if I do not go away, the Helper will not come to you; but if I depart, I will send Him to you. 8 And when He has come, He will convict the world of sin, and of righteousness, and of judgment: 9 of sin, because they do not believe in Me; 10 of righteousness, because I go to My Father and you see Me no more; 11 of judgment, because the ruler of this world is judged. 12 I still have many things to say to you, but you cannot bear them now. 13 However, when He, the Spirit of truth, has come, He will guide you into all truth; for He will not speak on His own authority, but whatever He hears He will speak; and He will tell you things to come. 14 He will glorify Me, for He will take of what is Mine and declare it to you. 15 All things that the Father has are Mine. Therefore I said that He will take of Mine and declare it to you. 16 "A little while, and you will not see Me; and again a little while, and you will see Me, because I go to the Father." 17 Then some of His disciples said among themselves, "What is this that He says to us, 'A little while, and you will not see Me; and again a little while, and you will see Me'; and, 'because I go to the Father'?" 18 They said therefore, "What is this that He says, 'A little while'? We do not know what He is saying." 19 Now Jesus knew that they desired to ask Him, and He said to them, "Are you inquiring among yourselves about what I said, 'A little while, and you will not see Me; and again a little while, and you will see Me'? 20 Most assuredly, I say to you that you will weep and lament, but the world will rejoice; and you will be sorrowful, but your sorrow will be turned into joy. 21 A woman, when she is in labor, has sorrow because her hour has come; but as soon as she has given birth to the child, she no longer remembers the anguish, for joy that a human being has been born into the world. 22 Therefore you now have sorrow; but I will see you again and your heart will rejoice, and your joy no one will take from you.

This passage spoke to me in a duel way. I know that Jesus is talking to the disciples about his death being necessary and that they will not understand it at first, but then, their hearts will rejoice because they will have a joy that can't be taken. This passage spoke to me personally because I now know what it means for sorrow to fill my heart and what it means to "weep and lament." I don't understand my anguish and why I am going through this, but I know that God is going to use it for good.

In John 17, the time has come. Jesus has walked this earth and done what was needed, and now the time has come to finish it. Talk about a purpose of life. This was Jesus' purpose:

1 Jesus spoke these words, lifted up His eyes to heaven, and said: "Father, the hour has come. Glorify Your Son, that Your Son also may glorify You, 2 as You have given Him authority over all flesh, that He should give eternal life to as many as You have given Him. 3 And this is eternal life, that they may know You, the only true God, and Jesus Christ whom You have sent. 4 I have glorified You on the earth. I have finished the work which You have given Me to do. 5 And now, O Father, glorify Me together with Yourself, with the glory which I had with You before the world was.
6 "I have manifested Your name to the men whom You have given Me out of the world. They were Yours, You gave them to Me, and they have kept Your word. 7 Now they have known that all things which You have given Me are from You. 8 For I have given to them the words which You have given Me; and they have received them, and have known surely that I came forth from You; and they have believed that You sent Me. 9 I pray for them. I do not pray for the world but for those whom You have given Me, for they are Yours. 10 And all Mine are Yours, and Yours are Mine, and I am glorified in them. 11 Now I am no longer in the world, but these are in the world, and I come to You. Holy Father, keep through Your name those whom You have given Me, that they may be one as We are. 12 While I was with them in the world, I kept them in Your name. Those whom You gave Me I have kept; and none of them is lost except the son of perdition, that the Scripture might be fulfilled. 13 But now I come to You, and these things I speak in the world, that they may have My joy fulfilled in themselves. 14 I have given them Your word; and the world has hated them because they are not of the world, just as I am not of the world. 15 I do not pray that You should take them out of the world, but that You should keep them from the evil one. 16 They are not of the world, just as I am not of the world. 17 Sanctify them by Your truth. Your word is truth. 18 As You sent Me into the world, I also have sent them into the world. 19 And for their sakes I sanctify Myself, that they also may be sanctified by the truth. 20 "I do not pray for these alone, but also for those who will believe in Me through their word; 21 that they all may be one, as You, Father, are in Me, and I in You; that they also may be one in Us, that the world may believe that You sent Me. 22 And the glory which You gave Me I have given them, that they may be one just as We are one: 23 I in them, and You in Me; that they may be made perfect in one, and that the world may know that You have sent Me, and have loved them as You have loved Me. 24 Father, I desire that they also whom You gave Me may be with Me where I am, that they may behold My glory which You have given Me; for You loved Me before the foundation of the world. 25 O righteous Father! The world has not known You, but I have known You; and these have known that You sent Me. 26 And I have declared to them Your name, and will declare it, that the love with which You loved Me may be in them, and I in them."

This entire chapter is filled with the purpose of Jesus coming to this earth, so that we might have life, so that we can have a right relationship with God. We all have a purpose. While I lament and weep over Rex leaving me, I have come to understand that Rex fulfilled his purpose in this life. Through my nostalgic moments, when I wish that life could be as it was before, I know deep in my heart, that Rex' purpose was satisfied, and I must accept it, let go of "our" purpose and move on with "my" purpose.

I encountered many challenges this past month, mostly things that Rex would have taken care of had he been here. As I have dealt with the lawnmower not working, Rex' truck not working, a plumbing leak that flooded the basement, the gas grill not working and losing an expensive hearing aid, to name a few, I realized that I CAN'T do this. I had to accept that I am limited, and I can't do all of this. I have been approaching my life with the mindset that this is the hand that I have been dealt, so I need to deal with it and handle it. I simply can't handle it. I had to let it all go - the anxiety, the pressure, the worry, the if only Rex were here.

With this being said, there has been a turning point in my life. I have entered a stage of serenity. I have been living in turbulent waters for a while now; that turbulence transcended into my spirit as I dealt with Rex' terminal illness, the loss of him, the change in our family identity, the change in my personal identity, the loss of shared responsibility, a new baby. This turning point consisted of me coming to the end of myself. While the waters may rage around me, I can be calm. I don't have to reflect my circumstances.

In my last entry, I talked about not knowing how to turn my grief into contentment. I feel that that is starting to occur now. There is a settled, quiet spirit within me, one that is starting to accept that this is my life now. It is still wrapped in sadness, but tied with a ribbon of expectant hope, a hope of what God is going to do.

You've heard the foolish adage, It's all about me. None of this is about me. I was created to give God glory. I live to give God glory. Everything in my life is there to give God glory. My relationships, my marriage, my family doesn't and didn't exist for me to claim ownership; they exist to give God glory. Rex was not mine. Erin is not mine. Amber is not mine, Lindsey is not mine. Rachael is not mine. They are in my life for however long God appoints, so that God is glorified. It is not about me. It is not about satisfying myself. The relationships we have, the things we possess are not given to us for us to hold onto and possess. They are mere blessings sprinkled in our lives to fulfill our created purpose: to glorify God.

Whether we realize it or not, we often claim ownership and possession of our relationships, our things, and our activities. I am married to Rex, so that I am not lonely. I have children, so that I can fulfill that maternal instinct. I have friends so that I have that comraderie. I want things because it makes life easier. I participate in this activity because it's my right. We often revere all of these as trophies in our lives. They are important to us, and they are important because they fill a gap inside. It is very difficult to relinquish our insecurities and with certainty, release our trophies from satisfying our own needs and wants to giving God glory.

What trophies are you holding in your hand and claiming as yours?

Donna

Wednesday, April 2, 2008

This picture was taken by Rex on our last family trip that we took in March 2007 to Cocoa Beach, FL.




Each month, I mentally mark off those special days that I go through for the first time without Rex. It's almost like a countdown in my mind. So far, in 8 months, we have been through all of our birthdays except Rachael's. We have been through Thanksgiving, Christmas, Valentine's Day, Easter, and our wedding anniversary (the ones that matter to me). The notches for March were Easter and our wedding anniversary. As I go through each of these significant days, I think to myself, "Well, I got through that one." And, then I count what I have left to go through for the year.

I guess because I do this, when I actually get to these special days and holidays, they really aren't that bad. I approach them with great awareness. Then, later, when I let my guard down after I get through them, sometimes a week later, I am engulfed with sadness and the tears flow.

I haven't been able to pinpoint what triggers a good day from a bad one. The bad days come like a thief in the night. They are really hard. They are marked with incredible sadness, lots of tears, and a "I can't believe he's gone" stunned feeling. When I think back over the last two years, I absolutely can't believe that I have been through all of this. I can't believe that we have been through all of this. It still astounds me.

Sure, I am stronger; I have definitely been handed some credentials to help others. I have certainly gotten a better handle on grace and compassion. I have gained an understanding of what it means to be in the pit of suffering, emotional suffering. I know what it is to grieve and mourn.

In my last update I talked about being able to experience joy and sadness at the same time. However, I don't think that it is possible to be suffering and be happy at the same time. I have joy; it is the knowledge that a better day is coming; it is the understanding that through the ups and downs of life, I have hope; I have eternal life with God. Happiness is not the same as joy. Happiness is what you have in the good times of life. It permeates your entire being and makes everything good. It has been a long time since I felt genuinely happy. I have happy moments, but they last only as long as the moment. It doesn't penetrate and doesn't make everything good. When you are happy, you overlook shortcomings and failures -- all is good. Happiness is a very gratifying feeling.

God did not promise us a happy life. Life is full of ups and downs. It would be very foolish to believe that I could always be happy. That is not realistic at all. I had a dream a few weeks ago, and in that dream, I was very happy. It was such a euphoric feeling. It was great. I woke up and still felt the effects of it; I had forgotten what it felt like. As I pondered my dream and my delight in it, I realized that it has been a long time since I felt that gratifying, satisfying, healthy cheerfulness. It has been a long time since I have felt light-hearted. I long for that feeling again. I think about that dream often and really crave a season of genuine-to-the-core happiness. At the core, I am not content with my life. I don't quite know how to turn my grief into true contentment.

One thing that I think has helped me often in my suffering is to be able to constantly look around and see someone else who is suffering, someone who is going through something harder or more difficult. There are many, many situations that are far worse than what we are experiencing. As I approached this Easter, I specifically thought about Jesus' suffering.

When Jesus lived on this earth, He was a perfect, sinless man who suffered probably all of His life on this earth. I think about how life was as a little boy knowing absolute truth, being absolutely perfect and surrounded with imperfect parents, imperfect siblings, imperfect peers. The resentment and ridicule that was extended toward him had to be endless. It surely followed Him everywhere He went. He was probably constantly revered in a love/hate way, loved because he had all the qualities that we like in others and hated because He was a reminder of our failures. You look at any family that has a favored child and you can sense the unfairness that exists and/or the resentment and bitterness by the others. If one of my children were perfect, sinless, I have to say that it would be really difficult not to favor that child, the child who is ALWAYS obedient and respectful. As a sibling, I know there would be strife in my heart if I grew up in Jesus' shadow never measuring up, and I probably wouldn't have been very nice to Him at times.

Then, as Jesus became a young adult, he was ridiculed and plotted against simply for giving people hope and life. He was tempted with food when he was very hungry; Jesus hadn't eaten in 40 days. He was tempted with peace when Satan offered to give up enmity with Jesus; He was tempted with reclaiming His throne when God Almighty lowered himself to live as a man.

Jesus was beaten beyond recognition and mocked for doing absolutely nothing wrong. Jesus endured all of this because He was the perfect sacrifice to pay for our sins. He was beaten and crucified because of MY sin. He suffered for me, for you.

Jesus suffered emotional pain; Jesus suffered physical pain; Jesus suffered mental pain. I know that there are people around me who are suffering more than I am, but no one is suffering or has ever suffered more than Jesus did on this earth. When you wrap your mind around that reality, then you can begin to understand that God loves in the midst of great personal suffering. God became suffering to save us from a hopeless eternity. God became suffering so that we can have life and have it generously. God suffered to give us an example.

Going back to the temptations that you find in Matthew 4, Mark 1 and Luke 4, I have to say that I have never put myself in Jesus' shoes regarding His temptations before this year. I dismissed it in the past on the grounds that Jesus was God, so He couldn't sin so how hard were the temptations really. It is difficult to understand how Jesus was 100% man and 100% God. This year, I think my eyes were opened. I have much more respect for this passage of Scripture; it has personal meaning to me now.

If you have a hard time with the 100% God and 100% man doctrine, let's look at the temptation of Christ from the 100% God standpoint. So, Jesus couldn't sin because He was God. Think about the temptations, these clearly show that He is not like us.

Can you refrain from eating food for an entire day? A few days? How about 40 days?

Satan offered peace to Jesus if Jesus would bow down and worship him. You and I know that the peace would have been short-lived. Satan would have wreaked havoc anyway. When you have those times that instant peace is offered, do you take it when you know that chaos is sure to follow. A practical example of this is seen many times in our parenting. You have a child who is whining and wanting something and making a big scene in the store. You have a choice. You can either give the child what they want and have instant peace only to realize that you have opened the door for this behavior to continue the next time the child wants something. Or, you can deal with the unruliness, discipline the child, assert your authority and teach the child that this is not acceptable behavior. Then, peace is realized later because the unruly behavior is corrected, not perpetuated.

Satan tempted Jesus to reclaim his throne. Jesus didn't deserve to live as a lowly man. He is the Son of God! How many times have you been treated unfairly at work or in the family or with friends? You haven't gotten the treatment you have earned, the treatment you deserve. Do you attempt to claim your glory? Or, do you hand that right over to God and give God the glory for the abilities that He has given you?

The point is that this clearly shows that God is mighty and powerful and nothing like us. He is 100% God. It distinctly shows our failures as mere humans.

Likewise, God is 100% man. What a man to look up to. He was faced with great temptation, and He overcame it; He had victory. There have been many times when I have given in to temptation. I have struggled with giving up just sugar, let alone food altogether and certainly never for 40 days. While I usually don't choose instant peace, there have been times that I have given in for that moment of peace. I have also gotten mad before when I didn't think I got the recognition that I deserved. How 'bout you?

No matter what you are going through, Jesus suffered more than we ever have or ever will. If you are suffering, try to understand the suffering Jesus endured for you. It was real. It was intense.

Knowing all of this makes Jesus more precious to me. He suffered for me. He died for me. He did it so that He could give me a future in a glorious Heaven, a Heaven that has no suffering, none, zilch, nada!

If you are in that happy season of life. Enjoy it. Know that you are being blessed. You are probably going through a mountain top time in your life. Take a deep breath and savor the moment.

Everything has its time.

Ecclesiastes 3:1-8
1 To everything there is a season,
A time for every purpose under heaven:
2 A time to be born,
And a time to die;
A time to plant,
And a time to pluck what is planted;
3 A time to kill,
And a time to heal;
A time to break down,
And a time to build up;
4 A time to weep,
And a time to laugh;
A time to mourn,
And a time to dance;
5 A time to cast away stones,
And a time to gather stones;
A time to embrace,
And a time to refrain from embracing;
6 A time to gain,
And a time to lose;
A time to keep,
And a time to throw away;
7 A time to tear,
And a time to sew;
A time to keep silence,
And a time to speak;
8 A time to love,
And a time to hate;
A time of war,
And a time of peace.

God is still on the throne no matter what season you are in.

Donna Meadows

Friday, March 14, 2008

We passed the six month mark on Sunday, February 10th. I wasn't sure how that day would affect me. I am glad to say that it was the most "normal" that I have felt on a Sunday since Rex passed. I had such a good day, in fact, that I thought I was having a turning point in my mourning. The next few days were even good days, but I was ambushed again. I can't predict when I will have those sudden moments of intense sorrow. I can't really prepare for them. They come when I least expect them. It's not the birthdays or special days that hit the hardest for me. It's the days I least expect it, the regular days.

We have mostly adjusted in our daily life, our routines. While I/we needed the adjustment to help us cope, it saddens me because it simply means that we are going on without Rex. We are making new memories that don't include him; we are experiencing milestones that he is not a part of with us. There is an undertone of misery with each memory and milestone because we are very aware that Rex/daddy is not here to share it with us. As I see the girls adjusting, I want to keep Rex' memory alive for them. I periodically ask them to tell me some memory they have with their daddy. Already, I see Lindsey forgetting so much. Her memory she mentions every time is the very last time he played with her. I will mention something for her, and she doesn't remember it. It is heart wrenching for me, especially as I see her really try hard to remember. Here is this little girl that is going to have a hard time remembering specific memories of her daddy. She was three when he was diagnosed with cancer; all she really remembers is his life as an ill man. I agonize over the loss that Rachael will always feel in that vacant part of her heart that can only be filled by a relationship with her father. It is my prayer that her Heavenly Father will fill that vacant part. I am apprehensive as Erin and Amber head into tweenage and teenage years without the daily role model of what a gentleman and godly man looks like, acts like, talks like.

With each of my girls, I have played lullaby CD's at night to help them wind down for the night while they were babies. Lindsey and Rachael share a room. So, Lindsey is getting to listen to them, too. This past Sunday (Mar 9th), I decided to change the CD and put a different one in. I didn't think much of it, it was one of my dense moments. About 10 minutes later, I heard Lindsey sobbing hard and loud. I checked on her, and she was really upset. The CD that I had put in had the song Butterfly Kisses on it. She was still awake, listening to the CD when she heard that song come on. As she listened to the words, she realized that it was a song from a daddy to his daughter. I remember when this song first came out; I remember getting teary eyed to it many times as it touched my heart. I know it was hard for Lindsey to hear it and grasp the reality that she would not have this in her life. This was the most emotion I have seen from her since Rex' death. I wish I would have responded better; I was simply speechless. I don't think I uttered a word. Erin had also heard her crying and had gotten to her before me; she held Lindsey as she cried. I watched in a catatonic state, unable to help or soothe. I am glad that Erin was there because she was able to fill the shoes that I couldn't at that moment. I am not berating myself for playing the CD, but I wish I would have thought about it and been more discerning.

As we feel our way around to a new "normal," there are things that I am noticing and experiencing firsthand. I have joy and pain simultaneously. I can feel both at the same time. My joy comes from my relationship with my Lord; my pain comes from the loss of my relationship with Rex. The second thing I acknowledge is the feeling that I am half alive. Rex was my other half, and I feel half dead. Will I ever feel fully alive again? Who am I now? The third thing I recognize is that I am broken, and I need God's healing. My heart has been broken; my life has been broken; my dreams have been broken; our family has been broken.

When I was first widowed, I believed the old adage that time heals all wounds. Time. Does time in itself really heal? I think that time is just a scab. The real healing begins when we ask God to heal our heart. If honesty and trust are paramount for mental health, then I must openly grieve and ask God to take my broken world and "set" it. Secondly, I must trust Him, really trust Him, to do that.

I still have no answers as to why God would take Rex, a person who had lots of promise, at such a young age. I may never know or understand. While I think about it frequently, my life can't revolve around why? It doesn't help, and I am not God. I was reminded of this when I read Genesis 5 several weeks ago. Here you have a chapter giving the lineage from Adam to Noah's family. It is one of those so and so begat so and so begat so and so chapters. I usually have a tendency to speed read these chapters as I read my Bible, but this time something caught my eye.

Genesis 5:24 And Enoch walked with God: and he was not; for God took him.

Here was a man that lived 365 years, only 43% of the average life listed in this chapter. Translated into our times, Rex lived 52% of the life expectancy of a male in the United States. Enoch died a young man and he walked with God! The other men listed in Genesis 5 didn't have anything noted about them like this. Why would God take Enoch at such a young age if he was worthy of being called a man that walked with God? I found comfort in this verse because once again, I am reminded that God is sovreign, and I cannot possibly understand all of His ways. He does not answer to me. I also noted that Enoch was the father of Methusaleh, the man often coined as the oldest man who ever lived. So, did Enoch leave a footprint? I think so. Rex has left his footprint, as well.

Are you leaving a footprint for those that follow you? What kind of footprint are you leaving? Is it a footprint of faithfulness, patience, love, grace, kindness, mercy, generosity? or Is it a footprint of strife, anger, selfishness, foolishness, greed? Think about your footprint, ask God to give you a great footprint, a worthy footprint, and wear that footprint well.

I haven't gotten a tombstone for Rex' grave yet. I believe that I am going to do something a little different. I want to take his shoes and put his shoeprints on his tombstone to remind us that he has left a footprint in this world, and God is going to use it to impact this world for Him through what he has left behind.

Have a blessed day,

Donna Meadows

Monday, January 21, 2008

I have many nights where deep sorrow reigns in my heart, and I can't stop the tears. I have never experienced anything this hard in life. I am somewhat fumbling in my efforts to develop good coping habits. I am trying not to let these days be a blur of time, but I find myself simply surviving each day waiting for a better tomorrow.

The first four months were marked in my heart as, "He's gone. Rex is gone. He is gone." Then, in December, it changed; instead of him just being gone, it became, "He is not coming back; Rex is never coming back! He's really gone, and he's not coming back." The first four months, I braced myself to become a single parent. I fell into bed exhausted and woke up to clenched fists, a clenched jaw, and an aching body every morning. I finally started to let go of this "holding myself together" routine in December.

As I started to really rest at night and wake up actually feeling rested, the deep sorrow set in. It's certainly not a sorrow for Rex; he is where I want to be. It's not a hopeless sorrow because there will come a day when I will see him again. Nevertheless, it is a sorrow. Rex' physical death was a death to my dream to grow old with Rex, to be able to share our lives together, to rear our children together. For twelve years, these dreams developed, and suddenly they were crushed in a moment.

I think it is fair to say that I got the breath knocked out of me. I don't think that it is ever easy not to get your way. We would be spoiled and unthankful if we got everything that we ever wanted. Wanting Rex to be healed was not an unreasonable request. I don't see the BIG picture of why God didn't grant that request. As a parent, I can understand and appreciate Christ's authority in my life, though.

Psalm 23 1 The LORD is my shepherd; I shall not want. 2 He maketh me to lie down in green pastures: he leadeth me beside the still waters. 3 He restoreth my soul: he leadeth me in the paths of righteousness for his name's sake. 4 Yea, though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I will fear no evil: for thou art with me; thy rod and thy staff they comfort me. 5 Thou preparest a table before me in the presence of mine enemies: thou anointest my head with oil; my cup runneth over. 6 Surely goodness and mercy shall follow me all the days of my life: and I will dwell in the house of the LORD for ever

As I read it, this is what I heard:

The Lord takes care of me and my needs. I can rest in His provision. I can walk through each day with a peaceful heart. He restores me from sorrow, grief, and pain. He is guiding and protecting me each day. Though my sorrow is so strong and it feels like death, this too shall pass. Even in my sadness, you have not forgotten or forsaken me. You comfort me every time I look in Your Word and sense Your presence in my heart. You give me what I need and so much more; Your faithfulness never wavers. I belong to you and will one day live in Your Kingdom forever.

Hope, even in the dark times, there is hope.

Over the last several years toward the end of the year, Rex and I would pray for God to give us an anchor verse or a "theme verse" for the next year. We found it to be rewarding spiritually in our relationship to Christ and in our marriage. As I asked God to give me a verse for 2008, I believe that He guided me to Philippians 3:10.

Phil 3:10 [For my determined purpose is] that I may know Him [that I may progressively become more deeply and intimately acquainted with Him, perceiving and recognizing and understanding the wonders of His Person more strongly and more clearly], and that I may in that same way come to know the power outflowing from His resurrection [which it exerts over believers], and that I may so share His sufferings as to be continually transformed [in spirit into His likeness even] to His death, [in the hope]

There's no doubt that 2007 marks the hardest year of my life so far. I firmly believe in living a purpose driven life, one that drives me closer in my relationship with Jesus Christ. I want my determined purpose to be to know God, see like God, be like God.

What is your determined purpose for 2008?

From time to time, I will latch on to a song that resonates with my heartbeat. It will have special meaning to me and express what I am thinking and feeling. As I start 2008, there is a song that articulates what is deep within me. It is a song that has been out for a while, and I have always liked it. Lord, I Believe in You by Crystal Lewis -- as I endure the pain of loss, there is nothing that makes me feel better than knowing that I have a Holy Lord who cares and gives me a deep and unspeakable joy.

No matter how much I hurt or want to say "WHY", I always come back to this truth: Jesus was born from above; He is the one and only true way to the Father's heart. He died for ME!!! He suffered and died for MY sin! He conquered death and the grave so that I can live eternally! Jesus suffered for me. How can I wallow in my own suffering knowing this? To do this, would be selfish and unappreciative of the price that Christ paid for my sin.

Read the lyrics of this song:

Though I can't see Your holy face
And Your throne in heaven above
It seems so far away
Though I can't touch your nail scarred hands
I have a deep and unspeakable joy
That makes my faith to stand

Lord, I believe in You
I'll always believe in You
Though I can't see you with my eyes
Deep in my heart
Your presence I find
Lord, I believe in You
And I'll keep my trust in You
Let the whole world say what they may
No one can take this joy away
Lord, I believe

Born from above
You are Gods only chosen one
You're the one and only true way
To the Fathers heart
You died for all sin
Then you rose and now live again
Conquering death and the grave
So that I might live

Lord, I believe in You
I'll always believe in You
Though I can't see you with my eyes
Deep in my heart
Your presence I find
Lord, I believe in You
And I'll keep my trust in You
Let the whole world say what they may
No one can take this joy away
Lord, I believe

You can hear it in this you tube video: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=HabUwQIcgPw

I am going through my season of grief. It is not easy. There are a lot of tears involved. There are a lot of questions to ask. There is a lot of re-evaluating of self to do. There are a lot of feelings to face: anger, blame, regret, loneliness, self-pity, guilt, insecurity, depression, forgiveness, fear -- there really seems to be no end to it. At the end of the day, when all is said and done, I am so very thankful that regardless of the feelings that grip my heart at any given moment, I can run to Jesus and He will give me rest. I can call on His name, whether aloud or in my heart, and I know that He hears my cry because I feel His presence deep in my heart. It simply says, "I am here, Donna, I am here. Don't fret. I have not forgotten or turned my back on you. I am here, my child, to carry you through this."

If you are His child, He carries you, too. Call on Him for comfort.

Donna Meadows

Sunday, February 3, 2008

Today would have been Rex' 40th birthday if he were here.

It has been an emotional day for me. The girls wanted to spend this day with Rex' family, so that is what we did. I can't say that it was a blast for me because it was something to get through.

Rex' favorite cake was a lemon pound cake. At the last minute, I decided to make one this afternoon in honor of him. I got so mad at myself because I never made them for him when he was alive. Why in the world didn't I make him this cake? He let me know on more than one occasion that he loved this cake, and yet I didn't take the time to do this for him. Today, when I decided to bake this cake, I was standing in my kitchen by myself, and I sobbed -- why didn't I do this for him when he was living? Why was I always taking and demanding from him instead of loving him?

I remember all these moments we had together, and I am really sad that I wasn't a better wife to him. He was a much better husband than I was a wife. I struggle with regret in this way. I can never bake a cake for him and see him enjoy it; I can never buy him another birthday present and see him smile. It's these moments that are so hard to let go of.

Rex used to love to watch sports, but after he got saved, he rarely sat down to watch them. He used to tell me that if he couldn't spend two hours with God reading his Bible and praying, then he didn't feel comfortable sitting down to watch a 2 hour game. So, he didn't spend a lot of time watching sports. One game he did watch every year was the Super Bowl, so I thought it was ironic that his 40th birthday, his first birthday in heaven was on Super Bowl Sunday.

I don't really have much to say; I only wanted to mark Rex' birthday. I really miss him.

God bless,

Wednesday, December 12, 2007

I originally penned this update in mid December. I didn't have the freedom in my heart to send it then. I was crying so much, experiencing so much sorrow, I had to keep this to myself for a bit. I decided that I was finally ready to share it with you.

It is very late and yet, my heart is so heavy right now(Dec 12th). These past three weeks have been especially hard for us. Going through The Promise was hard on us physically and emotionally. Last year will always reign in our minds because Rex was with us through it.

We agreed as a family that our favorite part this year of The Promise was during the song, Arise, My Love. Hearing the lyrics, The grave no longer has a hold on you. No more death sting. No more suffering... I can't help but think that Rex is not suffering anymore. He is there with Jesus experiencing something more powerful than we will ever experience on this earth. Lindsey loved that scene; she wanted to stop and watch it every time that she could. She would sing the song over and over. She has told me more than once that if Jesus hadn't come back alive that we couldn't go to heaven.

Lindsey had her first crying meltdown about her daddy; it was Sunday evening after the first weekend of The Promise. Last year, Rex held her quite a bit during practices, rehearsals, and performances. This year, I couldn't compensate for that because I had Rachael to hold. There were times when I handed Rachael off to someone else, but I tried not to overdo that because I didn't want Rachael to be over stimulated to the point of us simply having to go home. It was hard enough on her being away from home and her bed for many hours.

I believe that Lindsey's meltdown was a culmination of several things: her daddy wasn't here to hold her this year in The Promise; she was remembering him being here with us last year during all of this; she was very, very tired physically, and she just learned days before that her grandmother (she is very close to her "Ninny") has cancer.

I had tried to spare my kids of the cancer news with "Ninny", but she had lost her hair, and I knew that they would have to know that before they saw her again. I felt that the sight of her being bald would be harder on them than knowing she was taking medicine to help her get better.

On Sunday evening, December 3rd, Lindsey had already gone to bed when she popped her head out of her room and stood there looking at me not saying anything. She hesitated and then came over to me. Once she got in front of me, she started sobbing and said that she missed her daddy. I started crying too. I held her and rocked her and cried with her. I asked her if she wanted to talk about it, and she shook her head no. She didn't say anything else that night; she cried for 20 minutes or so, and then quieted down as I rocked her and held her. Once she calmed down, she got up and went to bed.

The next morning, she got up and was quieter than normal. She looked at me a few times, but didn't say anything. Finally, she walked over to me and said, "I still miss my daddy." I scooped her up and said, "I know. I do too." It was precious. I think she was thinking: I'm not crying like I was last night, but I still miss him. I sat down with her; after a few minutes, she spoke up and said, "It was partly your fault that daddy died. If you hadn't taken him to the doctor that last night, he would still be here with us." I wasn't really shocked with this. She wouldn't look at me while she said it; she was waiting to see my reaction.

Ever since Rex learned of his illness, Lindsey has shown an extreme dislike for doctors. She would do everything to avoid going to the doctor when she became ill; there were three occasions when I had to take her to the dr. while Rex was sick, and it was a real battle to get her to cooperate and an even harder one to get her take the medicine they prescribed. She really believed that doctors would make her sick. I can remember two conversations with her where we talked about sometimes needing to go to the dr. so that they could help her get better. She would listen, but I could tell she wasn't convinced.

Logically, that is what she saw. Rex went to the doctor; we learn he has cancer. Rex went to the doctor and he took medicine that made him sick (chemo); Rex went to the doctor; his pain was worse and worse; Rex went to the doctor; he was weaker. She has the cause and effect backwards. She thinks that going to the doctor caused the effect of Rex' illness. So...her statement was not really surprising.

I gently told her that the doctors were trying to make daddy better; I told her that her daddy would have died here at home if I hadn't taken him to the doctor that night. I told her that his organs quit working. I told her that God created us, and he put organs in our bodies that have jobs to do to make our bodies work right and that sometimes, they don't work right; so the doctors try to fix them with medicines. I asked her if she had ever had a toy break. She nodded. I asked her if she had remembered times when daddy or I would try to fix her broken toys; sometimes, we could and sometimes, we couldn't. She nodded again. I said to her that our bodies don't always work right and the doctors are there to try to fix them. Sometimes, they can fix our bodies; sometimes, they can't. The doctors were trying to get your daddy's organs to work right that last night, but nothing they did helped. Daddy couldn't live if they didn't work right. She said she understood, but I think it is going to take time for it to sink in. Her head knows this truth, but her heart thinks differently.

Monday, Dec. 10th marked 4 months since Rex' death. That evening, Erin had another meltdown about her daddy. It led to Amber having a meltdown and Lindsey just watched and listened. Erin sobbed for a good 30 minutes. She said that she felt like we were losing our family. She said that she knew that God had a good reason for taking her daddy, but she didn't know why. She wanted to know why God would want to take her daddy from her. She said that it was hard to see others with their daddies when she couldn't be with hers.

Amber started sobbing at this point. She brought up the song from Casting Crowns titled Every Man. Through her sobs, she said, "That song says there is hope for every man; why didn't daddy get that hope? I don't understand." I couldn't answer her. The premise of the song is Jesus is our only hope. It had never dawned on me that the girls might pull this thought process from that song.

We cried and sat together for almost two hours on my bed. I told them that I couldn't tell them why God took their daddy to heaven. I don't have those answers. I told them that God understood our hurt. I communicated to them that it was good for us to cry and talk about our feelings, that it will help us heal. Erin expressed that her biggest fear is that she will forget her daddy. I told her that we must talk of him often, remember him and he will live in on in our memories.

I told them that it was ok to write a letter to their daddy in their journals telling him how they missed him. Amber and Lindsey took off to get theirs. Erin hesitated. She told me that she hadn't written in hers yet because she didn't know what to say. I told her that it didn't have to perfect. If she just wanted to write "Daddy, I miss you." That was fine. So, she went off to write something too.

Lindsey brought me her journal because she wanted to dictate her letters to me to write. She dictated three pages to me. She repeatedly said that she missed her daddy. She repeatedly said that she loved her daddy. She said several times (her words) that "God choosed to take you from us because this was the best choice."

I don't know what Amber and Erin wrote in their journals. If they want to share it with me, they will.

On December 12th, we shared another crying time. As were listening to some Christmas music on the radio in the car, the song Christmas Shoes came on. We've heard this poignant song a few times this season, but I guess it hit the girls a little harder this evening. I looked over and saw Amber silently sobbing. I reached out to her and touched her arm. She started openly sobbing; Erin was crying too. I lost it, as well. We didn't exchange any words; we just cried for a while. Later, after I got done praying with them, Amber said she would like to have that song. That was all that was ever spoken about our grieving that night. There was something special about being able to cry together with understanding and leave words unspoken.

I was able to find that CD and give it to her before Christmas. She has listened to that song over and over. Why do we do that? We have a song that brings us to tears, and we opt to listen to it over and over knowing full well that it is going to cause us to cry every time.

I have cried so much in the past several weeks. This is so hard. Each morning, I ask God for strength to get through the day; each evening, I sigh in relief that the day is over; we made it through another day.

Matthew 6:34 has become so real to me these last few weeks. I have to take one day at a time; today is hard enough without adding the troubles of tomorrow to it.

Matthew 6:34 Therefore do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about its own things. Sufficient for the day is its own trouble.

I have never seen worry be productive. I believe it is rooted in unbelief/distrust. Unbelief that God is Sovreign. Distrust that He is faithful.

What is occupying your thoughts today? Are you worried? Anxious? If it will help you, get a piece of gum to chew, and as you chew on it, let it be a reminder that you need to chew today only.



Donna Meadows