It has been four weeks since Rex went home to be with Jesus, and yet it seems like it was yesterday. The numbness has worn off now, and it is starting to feel very raw and real. Tears come and go throughout the day. I miss him terribly. I actually began missing him several months before he actually passed away as he slowly withdrew from our lives because of his illness.
I have been very busy these last two months with a newborn and getting back into school with the other girls. There is little time to sit, let alone dwell on sorrow. I suppose that is not a bad thing because it would be easy to retreat into my own sorrow and live selfishly. Rachael keeps me from doing that because she depends on me totally. The other girls can do some things on their own, so I could see myself spending many hours sleeping and staying in the bed if it were not for Rachael.
At the same time, I am tired. By the time evening comes, I go into automatic mode doing what needs to be done but not with a whole lot of enthusiasm. I am more than ready to hit the sack once my brood is down for the night.
One thing that I have noticed in recent weeks is how heightened my spiritual senses are. When you lose someone so close to you, you realize how short life is. You realize how important our relationship to God is. You realize how unimportant this world and it's pleasures are. Psalm 90:12 So teach us to number our days, That we may gain a heart of wisdom. It changes you, hopefully for the better. As never before, I long to give God glory in every part of my life. I am seeking Him for His direction as this chapter of our lives start. What GREAT thing could He accomplish in my life through this?
The girls had their first breakdown last week since the night at the hospital when I told them that their daddy was going to be dying soon. It was heart wrenching, but some healing did take place. As Amber sobbed, she kept saying over and over, "I prayed for my daddy to get better EVERY night, and every morning I looked to see if he was better. I prayed for him every night, but instead God just took him. He didn't make him better. I prayed every night, and God just took him." It broke my heart to hear and see her hurt so much. Erin didn't say anything; she just cried. Lindsey sat there and looked at us, then she asked us not to cry anymore. "Why do we cry every time we talk about daddy?" she asked. He's just with Jesus, she says. Oh, the innocence of a 4 year old. Spoken so plain, so true.
After that good cry, we talked about good things. After a little while, I asked Amber if she was mad that God took daddy. She told me no. Then, I asked her if she felt like she wasted her time praying for daddy to be healed. She again replied, no. I asked her why she didn't feel like her prayers were wasted, and she simply said, "Because I know that God could have made him better." Thank you, Lord; this is a right heart.
Erin piped in during this conversation with Amber and said, "Who knows? This might help someone 100 years from now." Knock me over. I was really surprised at her insight. I had been telling them periodically during Rex' illness that God would do whatever would bring Him the most glory. We are created to glorify Him, and He will do that which will have the greater impact. Again, thank you Lord for this.
With that being said, could this impact someone 100 years from now? It would please me greatly, if someone's faith could be strengthened by our pain. It would make the pain more worthwhile. It's kinda like when you are in childbirth labor experiencing all of the pain, then when you hold that child, you can say you would do it again. Now, I don't want to do these past many months again, but I think you know what I mean. It makes it easier knowing someone has been helped.
Last Sunday (Sep 2nd), I was crying and grieving over Rex not being here with me, with us. I was thinking about him and how much I missed him. When I do that, I usually envision him in heaven feeling no pain, no sorrow and incredible joy. It is usually how I end my tears because it is hard to have tears when you know that your best friend is in total splendor and peace. How can you remain sad when you think of that? As I was ending my little crying session, I had this vision come over me. I was looking at Rex in heaven, and he was talking to me. I could hear him say this, "Donna, I know it seems sad that I am not there to be with you and to be with our girls raising them. It is OK. God has told me the plan that He has for each one of the girls. It is OK. He has a great plan. I know it doesn't seem like it now, but I am telling you, God told me what He wants to do in their lives, and it's OK. So, don't be sad. Tell them that it's OK." Whew! I think this was a total God moment for me. I felt so much peace after that.
Perspective. The short term perspective looks so grim and sad; God's perspective has unlimited potential if only we seek Him.
I have no doubt that the compassion that many of you feel for us is because you are looking at the here and now. You are seeing me lose my best friend beyond my control. You are seeing 4 little girls lose their precious daddy beyond their control. If you or I could see God's great plan for our lives, would you feel sad for us? I would venture to guess that you probably would not feel sad for us if you could see that. It is hard to feel sad when you see a great plan. Don't get me wrong -- it's not that I don't want you to have compassion for us. That compassion changes your life. What we go through affects our lives; your compassion for us affects your lives.
While God chose our family to go through this storm, He has chosen you to come along side us, have your faith strengthened, and draw you closer to Him. While it is sad that we are going through this, it is equally sad if you have walked this journey with us without being challenged and changed in your walk through life.
1 Peter 1:3-9
3 Praise be to the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ! In his great mercy he has given us new birth into a living hope through the resurrection of Jesus Christ from the dead, 4 and into an inheritance that can never perish, spoil or fade--kept in heaven for you, 5 who through faith are shielded by God's power until the coming of the salvation that is ready to be revealed in the last time. 6 In this you greatly rejoice, though now for a little while you may have had to suffer grief in all kinds of trials. 7 These have come so that your faith--of greater worth than gold, which perishes even though refined by fire--may be proved genuine and may result in praise, glory and honor when Jesus Christ is revealed. 8 Though you have not seen him, you love him; and even though you do not see him now, you believe in him and are filled with an inexpressible and glorious joy, 9 for you are receiving the goal of your faith, the salvation of your souls.
Are you being proved genuine revealing Jesus Christ in your life?
Donna Meadows
I have been very busy these last two months with a newborn and getting back into school with the other girls. There is little time to sit, let alone dwell on sorrow. I suppose that is not a bad thing because it would be easy to retreat into my own sorrow and live selfishly. Rachael keeps me from doing that because she depends on me totally. The other girls can do some things on their own, so I could see myself spending many hours sleeping and staying in the bed if it were not for Rachael.
At the same time, I am tired. By the time evening comes, I go into automatic mode doing what needs to be done but not with a whole lot of enthusiasm. I am more than ready to hit the sack once my brood is down for the night.
One thing that I have noticed in recent weeks is how heightened my spiritual senses are. When you lose someone so close to you, you realize how short life is. You realize how important our relationship to God is. You realize how unimportant this world and it's pleasures are. Psalm 90:12 So teach us to number our days, That we may gain a heart of wisdom. It changes you, hopefully for the better. As never before, I long to give God glory in every part of my life. I am seeking Him for His direction as this chapter of our lives start. What GREAT thing could He accomplish in my life through this?
The girls had their first breakdown last week since the night at the hospital when I told them that their daddy was going to be dying soon. It was heart wrenching, but some healing did take place. As Amber sobbed, she kept saying over and over, "I prayed for my daddy to get better EVERY night, and every morning I looked to see if he was better. I prayed for him every night, but instead God just took him. He didn't make him better. I prayed every night, and God just took him." It broke my heart to hear and see her hurt so much. Erin didn't say anything; she just cried. Lindsey sat there and looked at us, then she asked us not to cry anymore. "Why do we cry every time we talk about daddy?" she asked. He's just with Jesus, she says. Oh, the innocence of a 4 year old. Spoken so plain, so true.
After that good cry, we talked about good things. After a little while, I asked Amber if she was mad that God took daddy. She told me no. Then, I asked her if she felt like she wasted her time praying for daddy to be healed. She again replied, no. I asked her why she didn't feel like her prayers were wasted, and she simply said, "Because I know that God could have made him better." Thank you, Lord; this is a right heart.
Erin piped in during this conversation with Amber and said, "Who knows? This might help someone 100 years from now." Knock me over. I was really surprised at her insight. I had been telling them periodically during Rex' illness that God would do whatever would bring Him the most glory. We are created to glorify Him, and He will do that which will have the greater impact. Again, thank you Lord for this.
With that being said, could this impact someone 100 years from now? It would please me greatly, if someone's faith could be strengthened by our pain. It would make the pain more worthwhile. It's kinda like when you are in childbirth labor experiencing all of the pain, then when you hold that child, you can say you would do it again. Now, I don't want to do these past many months again, but I think you know what I mean. It makes it easier knowing someone has been helped.
Last Sunday (Sep 2nd), I was crying and grieving over Rex not being here with me, with us. I was thinking about him and how much I missed him. When I do that, I usually envision him in heaven feeling no pain, no sorrow and incredible joy. It is usually how I end my tears because it is hard to have tears when you know that your best friend is in total splendor and peace. How can you remain sad when you think of that? As I was ending my little crying session, I had this vision come over me. I was looking at Rex in heaven, and he was talking to me. I could hear him say this, "Donna, I know it seems sad that I am not there to be with you and to be with our girls raising them. It is OK. God has told me the plan that He has for each one of the girls. It is OK. He has a great plan. I know it doesn't seem like it now, but I am telling you, God told me what He wants to do in their lives, and it's OK. So, don't be sad. Tell them that it's OK." Whew! I think this was a total God moment for me. I felt so much peace after that.
Perspective. The short term perspective looks so grim and sad; God's perspective has unlimited potential if only we seek Him.
I have no doubt that the compassion that many of you feel for us is because you are looking at the here and now. You are seeing me lose my best friend beyond my control. You are seeing 4 little girls lose their precious daddy beyond their control. If you or I could see God's great plan for our lives, would you feel sad for us? I would venture to guess that you probably would not feel sad for us if you could see that. It is hard to feel sad when you see a great plan. Don't get me wrong -- it's not that I don't want you to have compassion for us. That compassion changes your life. What we go through affects our lives; your compassion for us affects your lives.
While God chose our family to go through this storm, He has chosen you to come along side us, have your faith strengthened, and draw you closer to Him. While it is sad that we are going through this, it is equally sad if you have walked this journey with us without being challenged and changed in your walk through life.
1 Peter 1:3-9
3 Praise be to the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ! In his great mercy he has given us new birth into a living hope through the resurrection of Jesus Christ from the dead, 4 and into an inheritance that can never perish, spoil or fade--kept in heaven for you, 5 who through faith are shielded by God's power until the coming of the salvation that is ready to be revealed in the last time. 6 In this you greatly rejoice, though now for a little while you may have had to suffer grief in all kinds of trials. 7 These have come so that your faith--of greater worth than gold, which perishes even though refined by fire--may be proved genuine and may result in praise, glory and honor when Jesus Christ is revealed. 8 Though you have not seen him, you love him; and even though you do not see him now, you believe in him and are filled with an inexpressible and glorious joy, 9 for you are receiving the goal of your faith, the salvation of your souls.
Are you being proved genuine revealing Jesus Christ in your life?
Donna Meadows
